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Hatred
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rohvannyn posted:
During a discussion last night I was told that I hated everyone, including my spouse, my parents, and myself. On the surface I don't believe that it's true, but I started thinking about it and I think there may be a grain of truth to it.

Sometimes I am fine, and I have a positive outlook, and I want to help others, and I want to advocate politely for myself if someone wrongs me. Sometimes though, it feels like the whole world is falling on my head and I am really reactive to anything people say. I can't think straight, I take things negatively, and I feel like I'm being attacked all the time. This leads to hatred of pretty much everyone and everything, or at the very least, contempt. It's not that I hate anyone in particular, it's just that I hate what gives me pain, and in that headspace, everything gives me pain. So I retreat emotionally to escape the pain. It's messed up and confusing.

I am doing the gratitude thing (when I remember) and try to write down three or four positive things every day. I think that helps a little because it reminds me to shift my focus.

So I'm being told to "just stop." As in, "just stop hating," "just behave better," "think before I act." As if it's a switch I can turn on or off. I hope some of this made sense... I can't find the "switch!"
Roh

'Your focus determines your reality.' --QGJ
Reply
 
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rohvannyn responded:
I think I'm going to answer myself at first here. I know at least part of why I feel so incredibly helpless, frustrated, and trapped sometimes. It's because I really have a lot of anger inside. There is just so much that I have no control over. And I haven't yet learned good coping strategies, at least not so well that I can make use of them reliably when bad times come.

In fact, there is so much in my life I can't control, that I lose control over the few things I actually can do something about. Everything from the political situation to my partner's stress level to financial worries to balooning weight despite weight loss efforts, my partner's inoperable tumor, my very stressful job, car worries, a shooting in my neighborhood that left bullet holes in my apartment wall, and on and on and on. I just don't feel like I have any escape from it. Add to that the fact that my early childhood left me with no basic trust in the world or in friends, I'm left in something of a picklement. So I guess it's no wonder that I'm fed up and angry.

It sounds like I just need to find new ways to be able to deal with existing stress because most of isn't going away any time soon.
Roh

'Your focus determines your reality.' --QGJ
 
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marykatarina responded:
Hi Roh,

Thanks for your posting. I can identify with your feelings in some way. I have found that most "stuff" comes from childhood pain, that is not healed. You do not mention what yours is. Are you aware of it? Or what it is "specifically"??

There is still so much stuff out there about "get over it", "that's the past", and the statement above "your focus determines your reality". All I can tell you is that it really is BS! There is still a long way to go for people and professionals to fully understand the lasting influence of childhood issues.

I know two women who committed suicide due to there old stuff. Both were highly educated too.

Instead of ignoring it, figure it out.
It will never leave you until you do.

What do things stress you out so much? Why do you think you have so much anger?

I know the most lovely , kindheartedwoman I met long ago in church; I never see her really anymore, but she has such incredible anxiety......and it all stems from her abusive dad in the past! She's done lots of therapy, she does the best she can. But it is so so hard for her............still and she is near 70 now!

Hope to hear more from you.
 
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dfromspencer replied to rohvannyn's response:
Hi Roh,

I hope this doesn't sound as tho we are picking on you, but like the other poster has asked, can you put a name to it? Do you understand it enough to put a name to it? Or is this just a feeling from your childhood, and you have suppressed those feelings until now, and they hurt too much to leave them be?

I'm sorry, Roh! It seems i have more questions than answers? Your childhood must have been horrible? Did you have trust in anyone? Like family members? Its a shame you couldn't talk to someone about your problems earlier?!

Could it be you are bi-polar? My brother still in my hometown thinks everyone is out to get him, and that everyone owes him something? Do you get that, sometimes?

You had a rough childhood, and now you are having a rough adulthood, no wonder you get so angry?! I think if you could work on the here and now, you may just hit on something that can help you to release that pent up anger?! Something that can get you to let go of something you have no control over, the past is gone, nothing can help that, so, you have to be able to find a way to release it? I had to find a way myself, remember? I had to forgive the one who hurt me more than anything, in order to forgive myself, and then, move on?!

I know you are a very strong person, Roh! You can do anything you set your mind to! I did, you can too!!! Get it set in your mind, take all the time you need, but get your mind in the game, first!!! If you have something hard to deal with, take a few moments and use C.B.T. to focus your mind, and ease the stress level?! It can help a lot, if you let it.

Roh, we are going to get you past this, i can feel it in my bones! I think Dr. Leslie's expertise is needed here? I wish you all the luck in the world, Roh!!! Stay strong!!!

Dennis
LIVE LONG, LOVE WELL!!!
 
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dem16 replied to dfromspencer's response:
you are not alone in that feeling because i feel the same. we are at crossroads in our lives,we have done things to make us better. but yet all the times of it being get over it just does not work. you ard not allowed to feel the hurt at that moment right? so it just stays there amd effects your everyday life we will get .
 
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Leslie Becker-Phelps, PhD replied to rohvannyn's response:
Hi, Roh. Wow, that was a lot to pour out-- I give you credit for doing so. You can't "find the switch" because (as you may know) there is no switch to find.

Some people find it helpful to write out their many stressors-- it can help give some clarity to why it is they feel so overwhelmed. Also, if they share their stressors with supportive others, it can help you feel supported and validated. And, you might (or might not) find that the anger becomes less strong as other feelings (such as helplessness, sadness) become stronger.

Compassion from others and from yourself (if you can learn to take this approach with yourself) can be healing.

After the initial getting it out, it often also helps people to switch gears and focus on one thing at a time; prioritizing what needs attention.

Yet another important stress management tool is to learn to take care of yourself in general-- and to do it. You know: eat healthy, exercise, sleep enough, engage in meaningful activities, do enjoyable activities. Does producing art help you to process and manage your feelings?
 
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rohvannyn replied to Leslie Becker-Phelps, PhD's response:
Thanks for the thoughtful response, Dr. Leslie! I'll keep all that in mind. You are right about the compassion. Yesterday I was doing very poorly and it was affecting my job performance, and the gentle compassion my boss showed really helped a lot.

Art doesn't help me feel better or process, usually, because it activates the self critical parts of me. I have learned to be quite judgemental about art. But I am trying to remember to take care of myself, to just take a few minutes to pause and breathe periodically and I think that is helping. It's all a lot easier to deal with if I am proactive about it.

It has also helped me to realize that with this much going on, it's no wonder I feel bad sometimes, and to not think of myself as weak for being affected.
Roh

'Your focus determines your reality.' --QGJ
 
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rohvannyn replied to dem16's response:
You have a good point there, Dem. Many times I do not feel like I have permission to be upset or to feel and I think that is why the poison stays. Part of it is because I haven't yet gotten good at separating emotion from action. When I feel a thing, it really affects the way I behave, and to behave otherwise just seems false.
Roh

'Your focus determines your reality.' --QGJ
 
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rohvannyn replied to marykatarina's response:
Thanks for responding, everyone. To Marykatarina and Dennis:

Sometimes I do wonder if I am bipolar, because I have good days and bad days, and up moods and down moods. But the down moods are usually situational, and when I am in periods where my stress level is lower and I have less going on in my life I am naturally much more levelheaded and optimistic. So I don't know if it's really a chemical problem in my brain as much as poor coping strategies, and years of bad practice.

I am getting to where I am understanding things. Perhaps a few facts about my life might help:

When my parents had me they were very poor. My father is blind and my mother was raised in a really abusive, abandoning family. She was in foster care for a while and my dad was adopted, raised by a domineering mom. When I was born I was a surprise. My dad is good with kids and quite loving and took care of me so my mom could work. I've learned that my mom really didn't want me and also suffered from quite a bit of postpartum depression. She tried to be a good mom but failed in a lot of ways. Though she is intelligent, she also has some social problems and learning disorders that had gone completely untreated. Things like a math block, massive social anxiety, and trouble with thinking in sequential, thoughtful ways. She supported us through my childhood through a series of menial jobs, and they both wrote for a living too.

I grew up in extreme poverty and just having everyone else talking down to my family and I, or looking down on us, was rather damaging as well. I didn't think of myself as poor because I had plenty of books and enough to eat, but that wasn't what the rest of society kept saying.

Another factor is that my mom was always uncomfortable with her own body, being a woman, making eye contact, and with casual touch. So I didn't learn to hug people much until I grew up, and I still have a lot of conflict with my spouse because I don't make enough eye contact and I don't always react appropriately when touched. We fought like cats and dogs when I was growing up and I often had very little respect for her but I am beginning to see just how much her attitudes shaped the way I think. I grew up very uncomfortable with who and what I was.

I grew up an only child, home schooled, in a variety of situations. I learned a lot of good skills that way but I also learned a lot of bad habits. My folks did the best they could to raise me well, teach me good values, make sure I had other kids to spend time with despite the home schooling. Even though I fought a lot with my mom I usually felt she was on my side when people outside the family gave us trouble. So I don't blame them for everything. We get on pretty well now, although I have been far too emotionally dependent on them until recently.

I think some of my anger comes from feeling so helpless, and at least part of that goes back to the somewhat unthinking way my mother lives her life. She's a poet, and a darn good one, but she doesn't write things with rhyme or meter, it's all free verse. Usually it's awesome free verse but that just shows how her strengths lie in more "right brained" ways of thinking. My dad is an engineer turned social worker, utterly brilliant, but usually stuck in situations where he couldn't use those skills. So I got the idea growing up that things just kind of happen to me, and I feel like a boat tossed on a sea without paddles.

Neither of them were able to teach me many of the social skills that I have discovered (at this late date) "everbody" knows. That leads to feelings of helplessness too because the job of becoming "normal" seems so big and complex.

Anyway, I apologize if this has been confusing. The issues are rather complex and there are many elements, more than there is space here to go into. I appreciate you all listening though, if you made it this far.
Roh

'Your focus determines your reality.' --QGJ
 
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bigred53 replied to rohvannyn's response:
Roh I'm sorry for what you're going through. I don't know how much I can help but here's an idea. Years ago one of the psyches at my work told me that in his opinion one of the best things anyone could do was to buy a cheap tennis racket and one of those floor cushions and beat the hell out of it when you were stressed or angry or sad. And to scream and yell and cry if you needed to. It made total sense to me. I never did it physically but I have many times in my mind. Just picturing yourself doing that may help.

Hugs

Michelle
 
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Leslie Becker-Phelps, PhD replied to rohvannyn's response:
Developing self-compassion when you are highly self-critical takes time. So, it is important to remind yourself that you need to be patient as you continue to work on this issue.

I don't know if I've suggested these writings before, but you might find these blogs of mine helpful: Stand up to Self-Bullying and Nurture Personal Growth with Self-Compassion
 
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rohvannyn replied to Leslie Becker-Phelps, PhD's response:
I did indeed read those but I think I need to read them again. I'm thinking of setting up some kind of inspirational quote list that I make sure I look at and read every day, whether I am feeling good or bad. I need consistancy! I did really well on friday and saturday, recovering when I started to get into arguments, and doing a fairly good job in other things, but sunday was an absolute disaster. I just couldn't get out of the messed up headspace.
Roh

'Your focus determines your reality.' --QGJ
 
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dfromspencer replied to rohvannyn's response:
Hi Roh,

Long time no see! I have been very busy myself! I noticed something as i was reading your response to Dr. Leslie? You said Sunday was an absolute disaster. I just couldn't get out of the messed up headspace?

Everyone has days like that, Roh, but they don't give up, neither do you! You can't let that win, nor can you dwell on it! It happened, so what? Tomorrow is another day! Right?

I think what you need is a trigger guard! You know what a trigger guard is, don't you? It is that little thingy that protects the trigger from being fired accidently! You need some kind of stop-gap, like the trigger guard?! In other words, you need something to stop that trigger from ever firing? I think you can come up with something when that happens?

Maybe Dr. Leslie would be a good choice to ask for help on a stop-gap measure?!

Whatever happens, we are still going to like you, Roh! LOL!!!

D.
LIVE LONG, LOVE WELL!!!
 
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rohvannyn replied to dfromspencer's response:
That would be great, Dennis! A trigger guard would be the best thing. Then if I could get a grip too, I'd really be set!

I think that's what cognitive behavioral therapy is, sort of a mental trigger guard? It's supposedly so simple but for me, so difficult to implement. I'll keep at it. I know everybody has bad days but I've had a LOT of them recently and it's almost lost me my spouse a few times now. I'll keep at it though. It's worth it.
Roh

'Your focus determines your reality.' --QGJ
 
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dfromspencer replied to rohvannyn's response:
Hi Roh,

There you go!!! Nothing worth having ever comes easily. Don't we all know it?!!! Yes indeed, your spouse is worth every tiny effort, every large effort, any effort is well worth it!!! Just remember to keep as your number one priority, and you will be sitting on the porch one day, looking back over the 90 years you two have been together?! I can see it all now! Just remember to get a better housecoat, the one you have later, has see thru holes all over it! LOL!!!

Take care, Roh! Good things come to those who will wait for them!!!

D.
LIVE LONG, LOVE WELL!!!


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