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    Me again with same problem - need professional advice
    Anon_11642 posted:
    Will make this short. I have a DIL from hell and have posted before. I am able to see my grandson and pick him up and all of that - they live down the street from me.

    The problem: For 10 years of their life I occasionally would get hateful emails or text messages. Last year was the straw that broke the camel's back. We are farmers and apparently some communication signals got mixed up. My son told me to bring dinner down - apparently we both did - (DIL is disabled with her hearing but does have an implant and it helps a lot but still can't hear as good as the rest of us). Anyway, no blame - my husband and son made the best of it and asked farmers around to come and eat and we added another table, etc. Well, DIL wouldn't talk to me - went into the office to pout and refused to talk about what happened. Then I get this ugly text message again. So, I had had it - I am 70 years old - I called my cell phone provider and blocked her from calling me or texting me. She apparently did it too. So now, one year later it still is the same. No change. I told my son that if she would just apologize and tell me she wont do that anymore I will unblock. He said that will never happen. She never ever thinks she is wrong with anything. So, I discussed this with my friends and they said I should get more respect and to just leave it the way it is. I go through my son for anything with his child etc. He did say that he has to babysit me and her - this does sound childish and she is a child but why should I at my age of 70 put up with this negative stress. I am a breast cancer survivor. Anyway, I am just asking a professional here what would she do. I do a lot for them - babysit a lot - I dont know what else to do so will post here. Isn't life wonderful - how childish. But she is always right - she thinks because she has type I diabetes and is deaf people need to treat her special? I don't feel that way. My son is afraid of her - she has a housekeeper and does not have to do laundry. They live in a small house - she is a spoiled brat I feel - her mother must have babied her with her disability. I am an ok person - I have always been nice to her - never verbally abuse her. Her son says once in a while why do I block her phone. I don't get involved and just tell him he needs to talk to his daddy.

    You know when parents get old and when your kids get married they treat you differently. My friends and I have discussed this. They don't seem to treat old people right. I think as we get older we can't handle stress as well. Am I right here? What gives her the right to do this to me? Whenever she needs a sitter her husband, my son, calls me for her and I always say yes. I have never had any food from her stove in all the 10 years they have been married. Never been invited over there. I have dinners and they come. She never offers ever to bring anything. Anyway, making this too long - just want a professional person's advice here. I don't like verbal abuse. It's just that simple. This could go on the remainder of my life - what a life right? Thank you very much for letting me vent.
    dfromspencer responded:
    Hi again,

    No, i am not the professional you seek, but i just had to jump in and say YOU are RIGHT, SHE is WRONG!!! Wrong, wrong, wrong!!! I don't think i could have handled it as nice as you, but if any of my children, or their spouses, ever, EVER did anything like that to ME? They would be nursing their slapped cheek!!!

    What that snotty DIL does to you, and you let her? Only emboldens her to keep at it! She needs your guidance here, you need to slap her silly! She may get away with acting like that around her folks, but does your son, or your daughter ever treat you this way? And if they did, what would you do???

    There is your answer! Treat her like you do your own children, because legally, she is now one of your children by law!!!

    I hope this helps, i really do!!! NO ONE, NOT ANYONE should disrespect their elders, NEVER, EVER!!!!! I could go on and on about how our society now is called the entitlement society! No more respect for anyone, or anything! All the kids of today, need to be slapped down, and showed how to respect, PERIOD!

    Please don't worry about making something too long! Take all the space you need, even if it takes three, or ten writing blocks!!! 4000 characters are not really all that much?! LOL!

    Well, hi again, and thanks for coming!!! You are most welcome, ANYTIME!!!

    Anon_11642 replied to dfromspencer's response:
    Thank you much - I do treat her like everyone else - when her son gets bigger he might ask me why I don't like her or whatever - I will just tell him I treat her kindly and always did - but really want to tell him the truth - wonder what will happen as he gets older. My son says you are right and she is right - she is right for blocking me too - that is still not equal - it is the abuse in words that I got from her - I never did that. Her husband has to live with her is the difference - if he came over here to talk to me WITHOUT her listening don't think he would have said anything.

    I'll still wait here and see what a phD says - YOU Dennis and my friends agree so really know you are all right. I just think it is odd having phones blocked forever - but it's working as far as grandson goes - my son has to be the communicator - I know this is silly and childish but I wont put up with this anymore - 10 years is enough.

    Thank you again for answering me. Bless you and all good people in this world. And we know there are some good people.
    Anon_11642 replied to Anon_11642's response:
    One more thing - any time I visit with her mother she always tells me she enjoys talking with me - her stepdad is always always nice to me too.

    One time a while ago her mother said "it seems you are always in some kind of trouble" - so she knows - she feels sorry for me.

    When my son was contemplating divorce he went to them and they said it was "ok" with them - imagine.

    Have another question: my friends and husband say "NO" to this but sometimes when I get so tired of this I feel like calling her mother and asking her "what is wrong with her and how do you get along with her?" I might be surprised by that - she may say she has the same trouble - who knows.

    Would that be wrong???? It could blow up like a bomb in my face and make things worser yet where I couldn't even see my grandson - what is anyone's comment here? Thanks again for your kindly support.
    rohvannyn replied to Anon_11642's response:
    That's an interesting idea. If you can call your DIL's mother and ask how better to deal with her, that could work if you don't come off as if you are being too critical. If you could ask her in the spirit of wanting to get along with her better, and maybe behaving as if you have some concern for her, then you might be able to avoid a blowup.

    'Your focus determines your reality.' --QGJ
    dfromspencer replied to Anon_11642's response:
    Hi again,

    I agree with Roh, play it off as if you really desire a better, more understanding relationship with your DIL?! That way, not even the evil, er i meant the d.i.l. will be able to say anything! LOL!!!

    I am glad your friends agree with me, cause we are right on this! I swear, you have some real good patience with her?! I wouldn't have waited, the first time she said those hurtful words, she would of been washing the soap outta her mouth, or, picking up some teeth! Disrespect to an elder, as far as i was raised, anyway, would have gotten you a slap in the mouth! Whatever happened to respect? The younger, more self entitled generation, has lost touch with respect! Or honor! Or discipline!!!!! I know what happened; once it started to take both parents to make do, that was when it all started! No parents, no discipline, no respect, no nothing!!! Not ours, but our kids have blown it, they have spoiled their kids till they do not even know what respect is, no idea what hard work means, no sense of self worth, no nothing! It never, ever should have been this way, but the rich got richer off of our sweat and blood, and now, they just can't get enough!!! If this keeps on, America will no longer be America! It will soon be; the United States of Business! Or, Corporations? Corporations are people, too!

    Sooooo sorry, i went off on a tangent and got lost! I just feel so helpless, watching the America i knew, fade away!

    I hope you do the right thing next time she spouts off?! LOL!

    Good luck!!!

    sunflower1943 replied to dfromspencer's response:
    I and MANY MANY MANY people are worried about our country. I get so upset with what is going on. There is going to be a new movie coming out "America" on July 2 - go see it - I plan on it.

    We have a very radical administration - the entire White House is corrupt - Reps and Democrats - don't get me started here as I wont be able to stop.

    People need to wake up - you are right about respect - the younger generation make fun of the older generation - I hear this from my friends - their kids how they treat them - it is awful.

    Thanks for all your help.
    Leslie Becker-Phelps, PhD responded:
    Clearly this is a very difficult situation. Just as with any problem like this, what you do depends in part on what you want to get, what you can live with, and what you have any hope for achieving. And people in binds like yours often find it helpful to think in terms of the most livable solution.

    Generally speaking, to improve any relationship, you need to communicate and resolve conflicts together. So, you might decide to talk with your son about your feelings and struggles so that he understands and work through the problem this way -- it won't necessarily make anything better with your DIL, but might help your relationship with him. (It's important to keep in mind that asking him to take sides is extremely unlikely to have a good outcome.) If you want to try to address the relationship with her, you might consider therapy in which the four of you (you, your husband, your son, your DIL) sit together with a therapist/mediator to help resolve the issue as best you can.

    Once people have done everything they can think of to do to make a situation better (including talking with people, as you are doing here, to get input about what else they might do) and are basically convinced that they've done all they can do, then it is probably time to find a way to accept the situation as is -- no longer fighting against it. Sometimes letting go brings changes in the problem, but even when it doesn't, it can help bring more inner peace.

    I wish I had a magical solution for you that could make all of this better because I'm sure this situation breaks your heart. I do wish you well and hope that the situation resolves in some way that brings you some happiness and inner peace.
    Anon_11642 replied to Leslie Becker-Phelps, PhD's response:
    Thank you and appreciate your advice. I am doing the best I can do and no there is no way we all would go to counseling. I get to see my grandson - through my son. However, if he can't or doesn't have the time to call me I have seen dil and grandson walk up to my house - we just live up the street. I do talk to my DIL and never mean - can't even think of one time I was mean to her - but like you said cannot make my son take sides because HE HAS TO LIVE WITH HER and has to deal with enough stress just with that. It is working ok in that I can see my grandson any time I want or if I want to take him to a movie or rollerskating which I recently done here in our town - I can't go on skates as I have weak bones so maybe his daddy can help with that but will take him when he can do it. I tried walking with him but wasn't successful yet. But anyway, I just don't chit chat with DIL - because whenever you do that she is the opposite of most people so I just keep conversation simple about her child period.

    That's the only way it will work out. I refuse to apologize and unlock her phone. I never ever sent her ugly emails or text messages. Really, I continue to be nice when I see her - the only thing we can never go shopping or do things together - it doesn't work for conversations to go on for a few hours - she disagrees with most everything.

    So, that's the way life will be with her and guess I have to accept it as long as I can see my grandchild and son that's all that matters.

    Thanks again - I really do appreciate your advice. It really helps me. Bless you.
    Leslie Becker-Phelps, PhD replied to Anon_11642's response:
    I'm glad you've found the advice helpful. I just wish there were something I could suggest that would make it all better. I do continue to hope, though, that something happens to improve things. I wish you well.

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