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Cheated on and hurt and took him back
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An_257930 posted:
I'm not sure where to begin. I have no one left to talk about this too...because I took him back! We dated for 12 years, got married, then had more of our dreams come true. Had a daughter and a son...then he tore that all down! Our son was 6 moms old and daughter was 3 when I found out he had been having an emotional affair with his boss who was also married and much older! Anyway long story and tons of lies later and he secretly got himself an apartment, then moved away...twice...but this whole time kept me in the back burner saying look for a job here. Then said oh wait I may come home. Then oh I can't find a job at home yet. Nothing there. Anyway. Finally he gets a job at home and then I find out it's with the woman he had an affair with. But it's ok he said because it's just a job and it gets him home to the kids and I! I say ok last chance! But it's temporary he said and will find a new one! He comes home then tells me he will only pay 50/50 for everything and that it's not his fault that I make 2000-3000 less a month than he does!!!! Then I find out that he always did have contact with that woman the entire time he was away. He would still come home for visits once or twice a month!!!! Anyway things have not improved lately. He stands up to the kids when they misbehave and says moms been miserable all day! How would he know as he was at work all day(on a holiday day). Then he tells me to grow up and goes down stairs. I go down to tell him to never say that to me ever I front of the kids and he said so you stomped down here to tell me that! I didn't stomp and he said well it SURE sounded like it! Insinuating that I am fat! Something I have struggled with my entire life and have done well. Just anything to hurt me! He has lied about anything and everything he can. Keeps his phone locked and when he texts he makes sure I am not next to him. I have nothing to hide and never lock anything. I found his files in a bag and he had pictures of her on a flash drive and had pay stubs for bonuses he said he never got. I don't know what to do where to go who to talk to! We have a beautiful family and I have trusted him so much I just don't want to toss it all away like so many people do these days. Like a marriage isn't for good or bad times. In sickness or health! Help please. Any advice would be so appreciated. He was back and forth for 5 years! I am still so hurt that he is working with her again! Kills me daily. Hurts so badly. Told him to get a new job! He said yeah I will look.... This was two weeks ago. And he has done nothing!
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fcl responded:
This is going to sound harsh but please bear with me.

My first question is "why are you putting up with this?" Why are you letting him treat you like a doormat? Why are you letting him walk all over you?

He's got everything he needs to keep him happy - a wife who takes care of everything and a string of girlfriends - the trouble is that it's making YOU miserable. He's not going to change. He's proved that over and over to you so what are you going to do about it - you can either accept the situation and continue to be miserable or do something about it. Are you going to react or are you going to continue to enable him to live like a single man?

You say you don't want to toss your marriage away like so many others do ... what kind of a marriage is this? It's abusive, it's cruel, it's unfaithful and it's showing an utterly appalling vision of marriage to your children. A marriage can only work if both partners work at it. What is he doing for your marriage? Not a lot from what you say but he's doing TONS for himself. What is worth more to you, your "marriage" or your children's wellbeing?

He's using you as a housekeeper, as a maid, he is not treating you like a life partner, a spouse. What is the atmosphere like in your home? How do your relationship troubles affect your children (don't say they don't know, they ALWAYS know ...). BTW, his refusing to pay more than half the bills is his way of keeping you under his thumb (because you're putting much more of your wages into home upkeep and family so you'll have less disposable income) and also of having more of his own earnings to spend on his mistresses, on his "fun" life.

Frankly, I think it's time you consulted a lawyer. I also suggest you see a therapist to find out why you accept to live like this and to sort out your priorities... Finally, if you haven't already done so, please get tested for all the STDs under the sun.

I wish I could be more positive about this but I can't.

Good luck.
There's nothing inherently dirty about sex, but if you try real hard and use your imagination you can overcome that.
 
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Leslie Becker-Phelps, PhD responded:
I'm sorry to hear that you are in such pain. You clearly know that you are in a bad marriage. Some questions you might want to ask yourself are: How upset/distressed are you? Is there any realistic possibility of turning the marriage around? If not, do you ever think it's justified to end a marriage? Might you be in just such a situation?

Also, you might want to ask yourself what it means to say that you remain committed through good times and bad and through sickness and health. Many people would say that while this is all true, it has its limits. For instance, they would say that spouses can justifiably leave a marriage when the basic contract has been broken by outright disrespect or emotional or physical abuse or infidelity. What do you think of this? They might also say that a someone can justifiably leave a marriage when their spouse is not willing to work on correcting the problems in their marriage. What do you think?

The last thing I suggest you think about is what you might advise a friend in your very position.

Please feel free to continue to work through your struggles here, where I hope you feel supported.
 
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ecotime47 responded:
I'm so sorry you are going throug this. It's not fair to you or your kids.

I admire your commitment to your marriage. You're right when you say too many people just throw it away these days. They walk away too easily and then often realize, if they had of tried a little harder, their marriage could have been saved.

You do have legal (and biblical) grounds for a divorce. If you chose to walk away today, you would be justified in doing so. However, you also have strong reasons to at least attempt, to work through these issues. Your family is worth fighting for. Does your husband feel that way?

I think it's time for you to put some serious pressure on him to get his act together. Have you guys ever gone to marriage counseling? If not, that would be a great first step. There is an organization called Focus on the Family that offers free counseling resources. It might be a good idea to contact them. Their number is 1-800-A-FAMILY. You can just ask to speak with a counselor and they'll get that set up for you.

I will keep you and your family in my prayers today. Best of luck to you!


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