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i cheated...
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Anon_125277 posted:
Im married…I have been with my husband for 14 years. Married for 4 years. Where I work, there are males and females. I started hanging out with a group at work. Nothing out of the norm. me and the male co-worker hit it off. it's like we've know each other for years. After a while, it was just me and him hanging out. Going to lunch, taking our breaks together. One day, we met after work for some drinks and one thing lead to another and we hooked up. Did the whole 9 yards! After that day, we still messed around at work. We carpooled together as well. Those were interesting drives! So, I cheated…not once, but may times (only having sex once). The thing is, I like this guy…a lot! My marriage is not good. Its not like it was. We have 3 babies and all focus is on them. We barely make time for each other. I don't feel like Im 'in-love' with my husband any more. I have told him that, but he just looks the other way. I think we are just way to comfortable/familiar with each other…it's easier to stay then leave. the guy at my work also has a girlfriend. I want to be with him more than my husband-as bad and as horrible as that sounds.
This co-worker quit his job for something better. He called me and said that he misses me. Im not sure if he wants to be with me or not. At this point, Im just going to continue with my life. Being a great mommy and an ok wife. I am sorry I cheated, but the romance is gone between my husband and I. the love feels gone. i work, come home…he doesn't even say Hi to me, he's on the couch (no, he doesn't work, he's a stay at home dad-not by choice, he just won't work) watching TV while the kids are messing around…the house is never clean, dinner is never done. I have to do it all when I get home, plus take care of the kids. I want to be happy.
Every time I try to talk to him, he either changes the subject or we get into a screaming match. He has no money, nowhere to go. And he uses that as a guilt trip for me.
My thought is…you get one life, one chance to be happy and at this point in time, Im not happy. — What do I do?
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Anon_134193 responded:
I hear you there. Your husband seems to not work by choice and therefore he doesn't have any support network. So if you call it quits he's out on the street. Not an easy situation... I have to wonder if at some level he is doing that on purpose because he knows you won't put him out into the cold? Not consciously, of course, but subconciously.

Have you asked him why he won't work? Or let him know, in a non confrontational but direct way, that it would really help you if he did more around the house? I ask because I know sometimes as women we can be really indirect and not know we are being that way, while men don't always do well with subtlety. Good luck to you.
 
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Leslie Becker-Phelps, PhD responded:
More often than not, people who leave a marriage for someone else end up trading one set of difficulties for another -- even when they feel that they love the other person. They often end up feeling guilty because they betrayed their family and their own set of values. Then there are the hostilities and conflicts that this action creates. In addition, frequently, they go on to repeat in their next intimate relationships the same behaviors that contributed to their marriage problems.

Those who take care of their marriage problems by addressing them before moving on to another person tend to fair better. They sometimes fix their marriage. They sometimes make the break, work out the conflicts and then are freer of "stuff" when they enter a new relationship.

Of course, addressing marital problems when a marriage has gone very wrong is never easy. You first need to ask yourself if you would be willing to work on your marriage if you husband would be. If your answer is yes, then marriage counseling is probably called for. Partners with deeply entrenched difficulties generally need outside help to change them. In this situation, it is usually best to talk with your husband at a time when you are both calm and to focus on how you want a better and happier life for both of you. If your answer is no, then it is probably time for you to consider divorce. While you still care about your husband and may not want him to suffer (e.g. being on his own financially), he is an adult, who is best treated as such. You will probably need a lawyer to help you figure out how to proceed through a divorce in general, and your situation in particular.

I wish you well with this and hope we can continue to support you here.
 
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dfromspencer responded:
What do you do? You married this man for better, or worse! Remember that? Probably not! You cheated with out even saying a word to your HUSBAND! For richer, for poorer? Remember that part? I doubt it! You certainly only think about yourself, don't you?! Wow, a classical me, me, me! Wow, i met this guy at work, he is incredible, so we hooked up?! Is that what you said when you met your HUSBAND? I would have to guess NOT? Why did you marry this guy, you know who, YOUR HUSBAND??? What did he do, sweep you off your feet like good ole lover boy? Hmmm, i wonder if you even consider yourself an adult when you clearly think like a teenager?

YOU are a MARRIED woman with a family, and yet you run around with another guy like some slu er teenager without a care? You never considered how this might effect your family, first?

I'm sorry if i come off hard on you, but i was cheated on, and i know how deep that cuts?! That is one hurt that never ever goes away! It is always there, hurting you even when you feel fine! Sure, you can be forgiven, but this will never be forgotten! You might as well contact that lawyer, your marriage is now on a slow spiral down, down into the pools of divorce! UNLESS, you tell your husband everything, beg his forgiveness, and pray he can forgive you, and put this behind you? A real woman, and mother would do this!

For better or worse, richer or poorer, that band of a circle placed upon each's finger, represents an unbroken love! Ask yourself if you deserve to be forgiven? Do you? My guess is still no?! All i heard throughout your missive was ME, ME, ME!!!

Prove me wrong, please, show me what kind of woman you are?

I wish you and your family much happiness!!!

Dennis
LIVE LONG, LOVE WELL!!!
 
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Anon_125277 replied to dfromspencer's response:
THIS IS DEFINITELY NOT ALL ABOUT ME!!! I put EVERYONE first! Me last. ALWAYS. I finally found a guy that listens to me, talks to me with fighting. My HUSBAND is verbally abusive! We are fighting almost every day. Yes, I messed up by cheating, no Im not going to tell him about it. I think about my family 24/7"026that's why I work so much; to make sure everyone has food on their plate and a warm place to sleep. My HUSBAND doesn't work, nor does he try to get work. He wants me to buy him a car, then he will look (like Im made of money).
Yes, I know and understand the vows I took when I married him. For some strange reason, I thought he would 'man up' and provide for me and our kids. I was wrong. So, I met someone that I like. Shoot me! I let him into my heart. Doesn't matter anyways, because he doesn't work with me anymore, he is gone now. I WISH I could be with this man. I feel like I am stuck in a relationship that will never go anywhere! Every day, is fighting"026I can't take it. So he doesn't work"026he has no money"026.if I divorce him, he's on the streets. Now Im the bad guy! GIVE ME A BREAK!!! I just want to be happy. I think I deserve that!
 
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rohvannyn replied to Anon_125277's response:
Sounds like Dennis hit a nerve, there. In my own opinion your husband really needs to step up and treat you right, but the question is how to encourage that? I hear a lot of (probably justified) resentment... will you be able to forgive him if he starts acting like a good husband again? I would understand if you couldn't... will you be able to have a marriage again now that you have found another man who treated you better? Or will you forever be comparing? You want to be happy, but at what cost?

I don't ask these questions expecting answers, neccessarily. I am asking them in hopes that it will stimulate thought and help you clarify your difficult situation. I hope you find a good way to resolve this and I wish you the best.
Roh

'Your focus determines your reality.' --QGJ
 
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Anon_125277 replied to rohvannyn's response:
My husband gives a lot of fake promises. 'I promise to look for work'; 'I promise to be a better husband/dad.' Empty promises. I don't feel like we are married. It feels more like roommates. We are hardly ever intimate. Im just not in the mood. I just had my 3rd baby and Im always tired. He doesn't understand. I wasn't looking to cheat. Trust me; I was scared out of my mind!! But to be honest, I really liked that guy. He was a good guy. I really wish my husband would be like that.
When I do talk to my husband about certain things, his reply is 'you knew I was like this, why did you marry me?' so then, I ask myself that question"026why did I marry him? I don't know. If he started treating me better, being a good husband/dad, yes, I can forgive! But I really don't see it happening. Yes, we have good days, but I want it always. I know what I want to do"026is to divorce. But I just don't see it happening. He has nowhere to go. So, the guilt will keep us together. I do love him, Im just not 'in love' with him anymore.
 
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dfromspencer replied to Anon_125277's response:
If that is how you truly feel, then divorce his lazy butt! He has no where to go? That is a crock of doody!!! He has family/friends to go stay with until they kick his lazy childish butt out! And they will, one after another, till he either changes his ways, or ends up at a shelter for homeless people!!! He does HAVE places he can go stay, just not there with you and the kids?! Get a restraining order, tell him good bye, hand him a bus ticket, or some travelling money, and say good bye to that anchor around your neck!!!

You need to think about your CHILDREN first, always!!! They know a heck of a lot more, and understand more than we give them credit for! They are probably suffering just as much, no, probably more than you?! Think about what this tells your kids? You can be lazy childish your whole life, some sucker will take you in, then you can get married and stay on the couch all day while the lil woman does all the work!!! If one is female, just invert?! They are also learning the wrong way to talk/argue with others effectively! If all they hear from you two is arguing and fighting, that is what they will do in their relationships, also!!! YOU, and even your lazy butt, are your children's most important teachers!!! They learn about loving, or fighting relationships, what you and lazy do, are the imprint your children will have in their brain! School is for learning A.B.C.'s and writing and math, Geography and other subjects besides what you teach them about life! You see?

I hope you don't take this wrong, i am on your side about the lazy half?! Now, anyway? I don't want you to think i am lecturing you, i only bring up these things because they are so very important in your children's lives?! You need to think about them, you can divorce your lazy half, then meet and marry the good man you are supposed to have, and your kids will appreciate it all the more!!! THEY WANT TO SEE MOMMY HAPPY ALL THE TIME! NOT MISERABLE AND UNLOVED!

I WANT TO WISH YOU ALL THE HAPPINESS YOU DESERVE!!! What are you waiting for? Go get that restraining order, then talk to a lawyer! Good Luck!!!

D.
LIVE LONG, LOVE WELL!!!
 
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rohvannyn replied to Anon_125277's response:
How about this? It won't be fun but it's the only way. Be honest. You may even have to do some arguing. It could go something like this:

"X, I'm very unhappy in this relationship. We have two choices. We can either work together and make this a marriage, or we can split up and go our seperate ways. I can't live like this. Can you tell me why you don't work, and if there is something I can do to encourage you to hold up your end of this marriage?"

If he says soemthing about "you knew I was like this when I married you"

"That's an excuse and you know it as well as I do. When you made marriage vows they weren't empty. They were a binding contract. Do you want to stay in this marriage, or do you want to start doing what you promised to do?"

(starts making excuses)

"These are the things that need to be done. These are the things that are missing. Let's see if we can work together to make things better for both of us."

Appeal to his enlightened self interest. Make it clear that he can't just slack and call it a marriage. Either he pitches in or he's out. I think he may find more resources than he thought he had, or at least start helping more. If he doesn't make real efforts within a mutually agreed upon time frame, something else has to be done. I know it's harder because you have kids. And it's going to be MURDEROUS for him if he leaves, because now any income he gets has to partly go to you, and he loses all his licensing (including drivers license) if he doesn't pay. You may want to remind him of that too. But he agreed to this marriage, so did you, and it does sound like he needs his butt dumped in the street if he won't respect that.

By the way, it wasn't my intent here to insult anyone, I am just trying to be direct but if possible supportive.
Roh

'Your focus determines your reality.' --QGJ
 
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fcl replied to Anon_125277's response:
'you knew I was like this, why did you marry me?'

The point is that that was then and this is now. Tell him that the situation has evolved and he has not - why not? People grow, people change, they don't sit at home on their bums saying I've always been a lazy oaf and I always will be. Tell him that when you have children you're expected to grow to accomodate them.

I'm sorry but his basic attitude really gets right up my nose. He wants you to buy him a car and if you do he might just condescend to look for work? Please tell me you were kidding ...

It's high time you stopped being the house dogsbody. You're out at work every day and you shouldn't be coming home to do all the housework, cooking, etc. as well. Your husband has dug himself into a rut that he doesn't know how to get out of. How old are your children?

Bottom line - it's ultimatum time. He has 3 weeks to find a job (he's obviously not very good at the SAHD part so he might as well work). You don't care what kind of a job (and there are plenty of fast food places that work around part-timers) as long as it gets him off of his behind and out of the house doing something. His attitude is liable to change if he is out among people too. BTW, every day he spends at home doing nothing is a day closer to becoming unemployable. These days there is a lot of competition even for lowly jobs...

Anyway, like I was saying, light a fire under his posterior and give him a time limit otherwise he's out on his ear and you're filing for divorce. And follow through. If you don't he will never budge again in his life. Tell yourself that there's a better life waiting for you out there and that if he wants to be part of it, well fine, if he doesn't, tough.

Good luck.
There's nothing inherently dirty about sex, but if you try real hard and use your imagination you can overcome that.
 
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mikeydell responded:
Have either of you ever been to see a psychologist/therapist to see if there are any emotional issues that need to be addressed? If nothing else, you yourself should try counseling, you have nothing to lose and all the more to gain.

I dated a woman who was once married to a diagnosed narcissist for 30 years, she was diagnosed as co-dependent herself. Sadly, she needed loads of therapy and still does.

Good luck!
 
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Anon_125277 replied to mikeydell's response:
have never been to any type of counseling. i know we need to go.
I'm just tired...tired of everything, my husband, my mom, my job! i wish i could just take my kids and run away!!!!
 
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dfromspencer replied to Anon_125277's response:
Life is not all happy go lucky, there is work involved! Running away is the easy way through life!

Are you a quitter?

Or, are you a fighter?

If your answer is quitter, then run away!

If your answer is fighter, then get in there and fight for what you want, need out of this relationship!!!

If you think you are tired now? Wait till you hit your fifties, then come tell me how tired you are?!

D.
LIVE LONG, LOVE WELL!!!


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