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still have painful sex & hate intimacy 10 months after baby
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emmasmommy0914 posted:
After having my 1st baby which was a miracle after 5 miscarriages, I loved becoming a mother, it's the best gift I've ever received. We tried being intimate once the 6 weeks passed and it was excruciating. I went to the doctor and they kept telling me nothing was wrong, give it time, try different positions... etc. It was very hard for my husband because I would just cry and push him away, I cringe at the thought of sex or even touching. I tried & tried because I feel so bad for him I used to want it a couple times a day and now I don't even like oral. I also am in horrid pain 24/7 with a herniated disk, I have had 2 surgeries, & seen many specialist and had many tests done since I delivered my baby and I started having multiple symptoms. I'm waiting on back surgery now. I have had 1/2 my thyroid removed, endometriosis removed, they think I have a autoimmune disease and some other stuff. So mentally and physically i'm more overwhelmed than I can handle. I daily feel like I'm having a heart attack and I rate my daily pain as medium contractions.i have absolutely no help my husband works all the time & he tries, but it has been 10 months with no intimacy so it's really effecting our marriage. So sex, blow jobs, grabbing my boobs and crouch all day just disgusts me. I Don't know what to do anymore. I also just this past month found out the pain in from a disorder called vulvodynia and they gave me lidocaine cream but it still is uncomfortable and not intimate plus my back causes it to be very painful to. How do I save my marriage????
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dfromspencer responded:
Hi Emmasmommy,

Wow, i am so sorry no one saw this! I hope you find some way to alleviate this pain you suffer from! I have read about people who love each other so much, that living without sex was no bother? Maybe that is something you can talk to your hubby about? However, i have also heard the majority of couples where one cannot suffer the pain of sex have divorced.

Have you tried other methods of pain relief? Have you talked to a therapist, or some other form of help? There must be some way for the both of you to enjoy sex once again? Have you done any research on this condition yourself? You might find something on your own to ask your dr. about? It is worth another try, so get that computer going, you may even find something on this site? I am no longer sure, but there might be a women's site here at Web you can try?

There has to be something to try, something to stop this pain? We could probably set here all night, and find nothing? It is worth every effort you can make, to put your sex life back in order, isn't it? Not just for hubby's sake, but your own, too!

I have been a bit busy of late, but i am surprised by the zero responses you had?! Where is everyone??? Please help this lady! Haven't any of you experienced something like this? Ever?

I wish you all the pain free sex you can have, real soon!!!

Dennis
LIVE LONG, LOVE WELL!!!
 
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rohvannyn responded:
First, I wanted to let you know that my heart goes out to you. You are definitely not having an easy time of it. Congratulations on your beautiful baby!

I might suggest taking a break from worrying about standard intercourse for a while. Your body can't deal with it and it's only stressing you out. BUT!!! You still need loving touch and so does your husband. Loving touch helps reduce pain and causes your body to heal faster. Gentle massages, strokes across the body, hand holding, back rubs, kissing. The possibilities are endless.

Regarding sex, don't do anything that doesn't feel good. Forcnig yourself to do something will just cause resentment and more resistance. Even pleasing him with your hands will be a lot better for him than nothing at all - guys need intimacy and closeness too. Have him please you orally, avoiding the areas that give you pain. Intimacy can be a means to reduce your stress, a respite from the daily world. Hope you feel better soon. I know how much stress a chronic illness can put you under, particularly with a new baby.
Roh

'Your focus determines your reality.' --QGJ
 
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Leslie Becker-Phelps, PhD responded:
The way to save your marriage is with communication. The reality is that you have been going through a lot. Most people lose their desire and urge for sex when they are in pain and they are suffering from illnesses. In addition, it is not unusual for new parents to lose their desire for a while as they get accustomed to having a baby. So, you might want to talk with your husband about your struggles. Often, when people share their experiences, their partners empathize with their difficulties and want to be supportive. While sex is an important part of marriage, the shared connection often helps people through problems such as yours and even helps many couples to grow emotionally closer.
 
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emmasmommy0914 replied to dfromspencer's response:
I have gotten 0 responses on all the sites I've been trying to get help. I guess not everyone wants to help others or everyone needs help of their own. I have been to 2 different gynos and searching for no. 3. They have been trying to give me different methods to help but so far nothing is helping. I feel like I'll never be normal again. I have done a ton of research and still don't get my ?'s asked. The counselors I have been to cost a fortune and basically put it in my head that I need to leave him if he is not understanding and supportive, but they don't know him or take the time to hear his side. I'm just really fed up with everything.
 
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emmasmommy0914 replied to rohvannyn's response:
Thank you! That is great advice my only problem is intimacy and touching sickens me at this point. I'm in so much pain at the end of the day from just trying to take care of the baby by the time I see him I'm so irritated from being in pain and sick all day we just fight. I dang sure don't want to be touched or do any touching. I want someone to hold the baby a min. Or rub my back that hurts so bad or offer to lay their own clothes out or make their own lunch. No I have to do everything for everyone and treat others with love, caring, patients, & support and I get 0. Yes he loves me and works his ass off at work for 12 hrs but sometimes I just want to be babied and taken care of. I had my thyroid removed and had one day to take pain pills and sleep after that I was back on my own. Im just so tired.
 
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emmasmommy0914 responded:
Thank u so much trust me I have done lots of expressing and communicating. He is not a good communicator it's hard to try and fix everything and not feel like u have help fixing it.
 
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rohvannyn replied to emmasmommy0914's response:
I can totally understand... your chronic problems plus the baby probably feels like a doubletime job with extra overtime on top of that. It never stops. Meanwhile, he's working 12 hours a day and he probably feels terribly overworked as well, with you both left completely without reserves. If you hang on a little longer and have faith that things will get better, eventually things will... but I'm guessing that the pain and sheer stress of it all is your number one problem. Do you have any friends or family members who can give you a little respite care now and again? Sheer overwork will really sap your strength, especially if you have health problems.

Best of luck to you!
Roh

'Your focus determines your reality.' --QGJ
 
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dfromspencer replied to emmasmommy0914's response:
Well, Hello again!!!

I am so happy you have had some answers! I know how frustrating pain can be, trust me on that! I have had nerve damage for a long time now. I have had two neck fusion surgeries, and one failed, so i have to do that again. OUCH!!!

I completely get the hubby part. He is working his tail off to support his family, and get the american dream. BUT, (there is always one of these, right?) he needs to support you right now, also! NO EXCUSES!!! YOU, and that beautiful baby should be his number one priority! When my wife (ex) had our first child, i was the one who insisted she stay in bed and sleep, while i got up and did the nursing, and changing of diapers. And then got up early, got myself ready for work, and then went and worked my tail off, so that i could provide for them, then turned around after 10/12 hours and did it all for her again and again till she felt up to it!!! That is what a man has to do for the lady who just gave them the most precious gift in the world!!! ZERO EXCUSES!!! He is a man, isn't he? Why can't he lay out his own clothes? Why can't he make his own lunches? Did he break an arm? Did he break his leg? If the answer is no, then he needs to step up and be a man! Do for his own self while you recover, and find a relief for your pain! He should even make suppers ahead of time, so you won't have to! All of what i said is what a real man would do, not should do!!! Wow, what a man you have! (NOT)

Sorry, i got carried away on memories. The fact of the matter is, he is not helping you like he should be! Why not, would be my first question? Are you a real man, or a wannabe? That would be my second question. And the third one is; why aren't you doing what a real man should be automatically doing for himself? Then you need to tell him you just pushed a human being out of your own body, and that a little more help would be awesome right now?! Tell him you are sorry for the pain you are in, that is causing this lack of sex, but it is what it is, and a little more understanding from you, would go a long way towards helping!!!

I am so glad to see some of the others have tried to help! Have you tried the pain management site here on WebM.D.? I used to go there all the time, but since it doesn't help with my pain, i no longer go there. But, (there it is again) i know there are some lady's there that have the same thing you have, and maybe, just maybe, one of them can help you??? I have to hope so!

I hope you feel a little more supported here, now? This site can really help that way, i know that to be true, or i wouldn't be here! If you want moral support, and complete understanding of your relationship issues, right here is where you want to be!!! Trust me! I am not even in a relationship right now, but the support, and help, and the understanding from the others here, have helped me in ways i thought impossible!!! This site is like a second home, i can always count on help when i need it, or relationship information, or just a comfortable place to come to for advice! Or, just to hang around with good friends?

I hope you find the cure, i really do! I know what it is like to go without sex for a long, long time!!! The difference being, i am doing this on my own, while yours is not at all? Can we live without sex, sure! Can a relationship/marriage last without sex? Sure! But, (there's that lil devil again) does anyone who is in a loving relationship want to go without? Mostly, NO! Sorry! This all depends on the reason, though. If he really, truly loves you, he would do anything to be with you, and only you?!

I want to wish you all the luck in the world, on both counts!!!

Dennis
LIVE LONG, LOVE WELL!!!
 
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emmasmommy0914 replied to dfromspencer's response:
Thank you I do have my days where I tell him... why wouldn't you offer to help if you see my having a hard time. I know I need a lot of help and can't give anything in return but love. I know how much I mean to him and how much he loves me but I think he is spoiled and has a bad way of showing his feelings. He does take care of dinner a lot, & tells me not to make his lunch or lay his clothes out but since they r in piles it's hard for him to find them and he just would rather have no lunch than have to make it so I do it because I worry about him. I unfortunately do not have family or friends. I live 15 miles from just the tiny towns with gas stations. I was adopted and my birth family is horrible So I do not let them in my life and my adopted family got stuck with me it was adopt her or it would look bad on their image in their small town. We talk but they have their own kid and are not supportive or positive at all for me. His family is into themselves and unreliable. I can't depend on anyone. My friends all live very far. So this site does help and I'll check out the group u were telling me about. Thanks so much
 
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fcl replied to emmasmommy0914's response:
Take a look at what you've written and ask yourself why you are doing things for him that he says you don't need to do. Stop adding to your already heavy burden ... Try it out for a week - don't lay out his clothes and don't make his lunch. Let him him do it seeing as he's willing to. He needs to take care of himself as well - don't be offended but you're his wife not his mother...

Don't say "why don't you offer to help when you see me having a hard time?" because that's too vague for many. How can he tell you're having a hard time? We don't all send out the same signals and you seem to try to hide the signs that you're having a hard time, right? So, instead, say "could you take the baby for half an hour?" or "I would love a back rub" - be explicit about what you want him to do.

Finally, when I had my twins (I know that this doesn't compare with your pain in any way), I was frazzled at the end of the day. We live out in the country, my ILs are an hour's drive away and my family is at the other end of the continent. What worked for us was me getting the babies bathed, fed and ready for bed for when my partner came home. He would take them for an hour (happy, sleepy babies ) and enjoyed real quality bonding time with them and I got to have an hour to myself to do whatever I wanted to do. Every day. He'd had a hard day at work and spending time with happy, sleepy babies was just what the doctor ordered and I got to escape (so I didn't spend hours whining about my day and giving him a blow-by-blow account of all the details)! Trust me, it kept both of us sane.
There's nothing inherently dirty about sex, but if you try real hard and use your imagination you can overcome that.
 
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dfromspencer replied to emmasmommy0914's response:
Hi Emmasmommy,

I am so glad to hear that, some of the things i said helped you! Or, at least got you to think about some things differently? I know you love this guy very much, and if that is true, then let him help you, and himself?! What you say, makes me think you are mothering him?

Stop laying out his clothes cause he can't find a shirt himself?Really? He may not find something to wear? Come on, you know as well as i do, and he does, you are mothering him! He is a grown man, he has to do some things himself, and picking out a shirt is one of them! He is a big boy now, he can dress himself, at least i hope he can!?

And, stop putting his lunches together. If he doesn't take one, he doesn't want to eat, right? I have skipped lunches, a lot! I am still here. If he wants lunch, let him get it, or not? Who doesn't know how to make a pb&j? Or, who doesn't know how to throw a couple of slices of meat between two slices of bread, and maybe squirt a little mayo on it, then put it in a plastic bag, then put it in a lunch box, or bag, then throw in a small bag of chips, or a couple of cookies, and go to work? Millions upon millions of men and women do this ritual every workday, why can't your husband do what all of them do??? One day, he will become totally reliant on you to do everything for him, even cut up his meat at suppertime?! Don't believe me? I watched my grandma do this for my grandpa, every day he worked, and one day, he was unable to do anything himself, cause my grandma would do it for him?!

I'm probably not helping much, but i really do hope you don't turn into my grandmother? I could see the resentment in his eye's as we sat down for supper with them! He took it cause he had surrendered everything to her at the start of their marriage, yes, even making his lunch, and putting out his clothe's for work!

I guess what i am trying to say is; let him be his own man?! Or, he may just resent you in the future? What you think of as "doing it out of love", is not really helping him. Know what i mean? I don't want you thinking i am coming down on you, but, it is what it is?! After re-reading this, i see i have already made all the points, so, i shall let go of your ear, (kind of?) and get this submitted?

Please take good care of yourself, no one else will, i know! I have been there, still am! LOL!!!

I wish you all the luck in the world!!!

Dennis
LIVE LONG, LOVE WELL!!!
 
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rohvannyn replied to emmasmommy0914's response:
Dennis and FCL have given you some awesome advice. I just had one little thing to add. You said you can't give him anything in return but love. I think you might be devaluing love. Love is the most precious gift in the world. Also, you are the mother to his precious child. If you want to put a financial figure on it, check how much a full time nanny costs! You have value, both monetary and emotional.
Roh

'Your focus determines your reality.' --QGJ
 
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Leslie Becker-Phelps, PhD replied to rohvannyn's response:
Just to add to roh's point-- ... and a nanny can't be good enough or paid enough money to replace a mother.
 
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emmasmommy0914 replied to Leslie Becker-Phelps, PhD's response:
Thanks


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