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    Needing to Vent
    Anon_11642 posted:
    Hi - just venting here -

    Thanks for listening. Don't mean to be a complainer.

    This is my issue. I have had I feel a good friend for many years - we used to walk together but I joined rec ctr so dont walk outdoors with her anymore but I have always been there for her when she had a problem. She would come over and I always helped her all that I could and followup phone calls whatever I felt was needed.

    Well, I know she is not a healthy person - she has diabetes and doesn't take it too seriously - her A1cs are not that great. I told her you better watch it as when you have A1cs that are 8 - drs want to give you insulin. Anyway, it isn't my problem but did give her good advice. She finally retired from a job which she worked out for many years. She is 74 and worked that long to get her benefits. Her husband is 82 and is quite a bit older than her.

    I was under the impression when she retired we could do some things togethe. She told me this when she has more time. Now, she has been retired since July 4 - I rarely hear from her now - I texted her a few times and giving her space. Well, today Aug 4 I decided to call her even though I shouldn't have. I really think she is a gal who doesn't need friends. Her husband is there and she has some family around. She did tell me that she cant wait to retire and get away from people - I can understand that.

    I don't know but when I called her today for a short call she really sounded different. I know her husband is always home. Mine is not which is sad - he is a farmer but have always had problems with his schedule. Anyway, I'm just kind of sad today thinking she has a husband who will do things with her and mine wont although we are going to a city in 2 weeks for 3 or 4 days which I'm happy about. My husband could be a hermit as he doesn't need people. I feel she is this way too now. I'm already disappointed in the fact that she didn't call - it has been 2 weeks and she texted me "how is your cold" which is weird because it was 2 weeks and hadn't heard a word.

    Maybe I expect too much of a friend. My husband says if you make one real good friend in a lifetime you are doing good. I do so much for the friends I do have - I am always there for them and bend over backwards to check on them when I think they need something or whatever. This is the way I was raised.

    Anyway, think you got my issue downpat. Just depressed today thinking I thought I had another friend to do stuff with and now she is retired I hear a different sounding voice. I know it has only been one month. I know she is enjoying her time alone with her husband who by the way always depended on her for things to do. He would do nothing when she was at work - no hobbies or anything - just waiting on her to come home (sad he doesn't have any hobbies). Maybe I expect too much - she either will go away or she will come back.

    Anyway, I need friends in my life. I am alone a lot except for evenings and I enjoy friendships. I am pretty sociable - anyway, I really am frustrated with her and don't know what to think. I had nourished this friendship for so many years.

    Last year we decided no xmas gifts. That was ok with me but then she came by anyway with a bottle of wine that tasted "awful" - who knows how old that was.

    Anyway, would can you tell me to make me feel better - probably just focus on other people and dont waste any more time with her right?

    I appreciate your time and do look forward to a reply or two. Thanks again. God bless!
    dfromspencer responded:
    Hello again,

    Glad you stopped by! Wow, you really are upset over this "friend"? You need to remember that this friend? is her own person and has her own quirks. She sounds a little off? I suppose i should take that with a grain of salt, seeing how i don't know this lady?

    Sometimes, we focus our energies on those friends we feel sorry for? Do you feel sorry for her that she don't seem to have, or need friends in her life? I know you have invested a lot of effort into this one sided friendship, perhaps it is time to stop fretting over her? If i were you, i would either call her, go directly to her house, or send her a nice card or the other ways, and tell her you consider her a good friend, but that you feel the friendship is much too one sided for you, but, if you need me, you know where i am?! Then you need to let her go. You know what they say about love, if you let it go, and it comes back to you, that is love. But, if it fails to come back, well then, it was not to be, right? Right! I hope she sees what a wonderful friend she has in you, and changes her un-friendly type of behavior?!

    Don't feel bad if she doesn't do X-mas gifts, or B-day gifts, just keep on sending that what you feel obligated (?) to do, and don't let her lack of feeling bother you anymore! If she doesn't send you a B-day card, oh well, there she goes again, right?

    I know what you mean when you say you need friends in your life, trust me, i do?! Just don't lay your heart out on her front porch for use as a door mat, o.k.? Try to find other activities to get yourself out there. That is what i am trying to do, get myself out there. Just yesterday, i attended the "Farmers Recognition Parade" in my brother's little town. I met three potential friends there? Not bad for one morning, eh? I also like to get out and walk around my neighborhood, or even venturing into others? I don't really have a hobby, so, i make finding new friends a hobby?!

    I hope you get loads of help here today! I also would like to offer up the friendship i have found here, to you, if you would like to join our community? It may still be small, with some only commenting sometimes, but it is yours, if you like?! With all of the knowledge you posses, you could help many people who come here seeking help!? So, the invitation is yours, i hope you accept!!!

    Well, good luck to you, and please feel free to drop by anytime!!!

    Anon_11642 replied to dfromspencer's response:
    Hey, thanks a bunch. Like my husband said last night you need to blow her off - he is right.

    I think maybe I need too much - I never feel I have enough friends as I like to be around people - and I think this friend does not.

    In my past I have always put people on a too high pedestal. My upbringing was always you have to be nice and you this and that - always this and that. If we said something not nice we would be reprimanded.

    Oh well, the past is the past - who cares. Anyway, thanks for your response. The ball is in her court now. I did call her yesterday and that was my last attempt - now we will just have to wait and see. You know what I just thought - if I don't hear from her in a very long time - then I know she isn't a friend to begin with and not worth the trouble. Only the good friends are the ones we like.

    If she is comfortable having no friends and know I am her only one then that's fine - just having her husband around all the time may be what she likes - who knows - maybe later she could change her mind and want to see other people.

    She ended the conversation with "Keep in Touch" but like I said the tone of the conversation yesterday was empty and not like we usually talk. With her husband sitting there and always listening she may not have been able to say what she would like who knows. In the past, when she had a problem she would come over to my house probably because then her husband couldn't hear her.

    Anyway, thanks again - anymore responses I will check occasionally. Have a good day. I am going to a 1-hour concert in our little town with a full orchestra. Husband not going but know plenty of people - I have no problem going alone as I know just about everyone there. Have a good Sunday.
    dfromspencer replied to Anon_11642's response:
    Hey, you sound a lot better than earlier, and that is a god thing! I am glad to be of service! LOL!!! I hope this works in your favor? But, if she doesn't try harder, just ignore her. You say you know a lot of the people going to this concert (sounds good to me!) and i hope you like them, then it will be an awesome time?!

    Why can't you be with these friends more? Do you live too far from town to drive there every day for visits? Just staying at home and doing the same thing every day, is mind numbing! I know, i have very little money left after bills, so, i mostly have to suffer it, and it is mind numbing for sure!

    I also know what you mean by being raised to say nice things to people, or get a swat?! It happened to me enough. LOL!!! Anyway, if you have the drive to do charity work, that could fill some of the day? Hobbies are great, if you have the money to do it with?

    By the way; what ever happened to the one day a week job you were looking for? Did you manage to round one up? Even if it is just for free, then you still have at least one thing to do?

    Well, Sunday is coming to a close, and I am watching Big Brother, so i shall say good night. Please feel free to write back, another pen pal is just what i need. Please take care, and listen to your husband, he sounds very smart!

    Here's to friendships, both old, and new!!! Bye for now.

    Anon_11642 replied to dfromspencer's response:
    Yes - I didn't round up a job on Thurs even though I tried and applied - where I wanted to work they didn't have the funds to hire me even for a day.

    However, I solved the Thursday mystery - I play Bingo now at the senior center. Every Thurs they do - (1 to 4 pm) I did win $5 last week but not going to win money although it is nice - just go for the social chit chat and they are nice.

    I do get out - I go to a knitting group on Mondays, a church group on Tuesdays, making rosary group on Weds, Bingo on Thursdays and we all meet for lunch on Fridays and different people show up and it's fun - we invite whomever we want - Weekends are bad. I live in a town over 4,000 people - I am going to ask around at senior center as we visit after Bingo what does everyone do on weekends. Lot of them have a lot of family - I just have a son here down the street with my precious grandson whom I see often but a DIL from hell and a daughter and family 2.5 hours from here - only relative is a sister in Calif who doesn't have time for me although she is always saying we are going to visit etc. Have no desire to get on a plane and see her - scared to death now of flying with all these wackos around.

    Anyway, yes I do keep busy - my next focus is to try and figure out what to do on weekends. We do have a movie theater here but only go when something good plays. Waiting for "America" to come out - saw it twice and once with husband but he wants to go again so will see it 3 times. By all means YOU and all who read my post should go and see it - it is more like a documentary of our history - all good stuff!

    Anyway, thanks for responding - will check this site tomorrow to see if anyone else responds like the psychologist that runs this board - that would be nice to hear from her. God bless.
    Leslie Becker-Phelps, PhD replied to Anon_11642's response:
    I'm glad to see that you are making progress in connecting with people -- and with resolving how to handle the situation with your friend. And, good luck with finding ways to fill your weekends.

    You might find it helpful to keep in mind that while it is important to treat people kindly, it is also important to take care of yourself. People are happier when they find a way to balance these. This means thinking about what you want and need from relationships and nurturing those relationships that offer it to you.

    Take care.
    rohvannyn replied to Anon_11642's response:
    Glad to see you back! I join in Dennis' be a regular member of our community. It's good to have more regulars! It also feels really good to help people or provide a listening "ear."

    I think you are right about why your conversation with your friend was different. Her husband probably was in the room, and that caused her to not want to speak freely. That happens to me all the time. Even when I'm not doing anything wrong or talking about anything particularly private, I just don't feel as free with people listening.

    Also, just as with other desires, people have different social needs. Some people really do need lots of friends and companionship, others (like me) do fine with only one or two real friends and a few online friends. Both levels of need are totally valid.

    You are a worthwhile person. Be sure never to put anyone else to far above yourself, you have just as many rights as they do. Problems happen when there is a mismatch.

    'Your focus determines your reality.' --QGJ
    Anon_11642 replied to rohvannyn's response:
    All of you are so awesome - and do appreciate all of your comments. Yes, you are right - even though I was criticized when I was growing up so much I will not live my life in the past. What is important is now - and yes, I am an ok person - I have flaws like everyone else but I'm not trying to win a popularity contest but I'm ok - I always try to help people and try to be a good listener -

    Anyway, thanks for the boost - I really feel there is something going on with my friend just the way she talked - but you know what I'm not going to do is dwell on her odd behavior - if she wants to be a friend the ball is in her court. I am not calling anymore. Even if a month goes by - if she calls then fine - if she asks why I haven't called her - I am just going to say the phone works both ways - and I wanted to give her some space to enjoy her new retirement with her husband. I suppose that is the right thing to say - LOL - as always, want to say the right thing.

    Thanks again - God bless all of you - and God bless America.
    dfromspencer replied to Anon_11642's response:
    Ah, this is great! You asked and you received, our site leader answered you, and also Roh, you hit the jackpot! There are more of us, but most have harder jobs, i guess? I can be here most everyday as i am disabled. I love this site! If it hadn't of been for Dr. Leslie's help, i might not be here at all? I was sinking down to well below anything anyone should have to. This Dr., helped me more than anyone else!

    Yes, we are very lucky to have Dr. Leslie Becker-Phelps here with us! We could probably get by with another, but why turn away from the best?

    Wow, you really do keep busy, don't you? I should try to find some churches or other charities to work with around here? I am just not convinced that some of these so called charities, are not really what they seem? Some take more than 80% of the intake for themselves, or their workers, and only give out 20% of monies collected to the ones who need it?! I look at it this way; if you call yourself a charity, then you should be doing it for nothing!

    I suppose i should let you get back to your fun? I need to get back to busy myself? I have some cleaning to do today, tomorrow is laundry day, oh goody! Oh well, at least this should keep me busy?

    I am looking forward to seeing that movie soon. Please take care, i hope to see you around?!

    sunflower1943 replied to dfromspencer's response:
    Yep - try to - I also work out M-F 1 hour - with treadmill, situps and nustep - do this for distraction and keep my mind busy so I dont think about my problems. But I still have time to do that - lot of time at night when I'm trying to sleep. It is so quiet and mind kind of likes to think then - no - not a good idea. Sometimes it's hard to turn it off - why people dwell on negative when there really is a lot of positive that we ignore - maybe the human mind is just that way who knows. Hate it and try to reverse it but sometimes it is hard to do.

    Thanks for response.
    rohvannyn replied to sunflower1943's response:
    Ah, how well do I know the agony of the racing mind! You really have my sympathy. Sometimes meditation helps with that. It helps in two ways. It reduces your stress level by doing it, and it also gives you practice in keeping your thoughts quiet and calm. Some people like yoga for the same reason. Other people get similar effects from prayer. And all this reminds me, I need to practice my meditation more often! I do mine while driving, walking, or listening to music. Of course, you can also do it while sitting quietly. Meditation takes practice but it can be useful. It starts by concentrating on your breath and emptying your mind.

    'Your focus determines your reality.' --QGJ
    Anon_11642 replied to rohvannyn's response:
    Is their a good website that I could learn from that is pretty easy to teach? tx.
    Leslie Becker-Phelps, PhD replied to Anon_11642's response:
    There are many, many resources out there, so it's important to find one that works for you. Some mindfulness options are:
    "022Diana Winston at Mindful Awareness Research Center (MARC);
    "022PsychologyTools website;
    "022Ron Siegel, PsyD:
    "022Smiling mind offers a free program to develop meditation practice;

    I hope this helps.

    rohvannyn replied to Anon_11642's response:
    There definitely is! You can search Youtube for information on yoga, there are a lot of good videos. Search for "beginner's yoga" or "gentle yoga" or "easy yoga."

    Same for meditation, there are even relaxation videos people make. A little searching can help you find a lot. If you need help, let me know and I will post some links.

    'Your focus determines your reality.' --QGJ
    Anon_11642 replied to rohvannyn's response:
    Thanks a bunch.

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