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How could a married man that cheats on his wife feel betrayed by the FWB
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Ann_1812 posted:
Hi, Most of you know this thread from the other page.Fwb/friends with benefits, This is the same man that I wrote about, that I have been up and down with for at least 2 years. This man broke my heart back in April when he broke up with me, I cried for months about the ending of our relationship, I was starting to feel healthy again emotionally, I had really seen him or spoke to him, then at the end of may deceided to let him back into my life to have great sex with no strings attached without the relationship part, for me it was working, it still allowed me to be phyiscally close to him and be a part of his life. I really enjoyed him visiting me. Then about 3 weeks ago a man I met about a year ago re-entered my life, So I was spending time with him getting to know him better. Well last Tuesday I deceide to have sex with my new friend. My man of the past called i told him that i was having company, he said he would change is plans, Well he showed up at my place banging on the window, he called me every name under the sun, I told him you are married and we aren't together you broke up me with me back in april. He also smashed out my back window on my car. My new friend left said he is never coming back. Said the whole drama seen reminded him of high school. I later called this married man to talk to him to find out why he showed up, he told me he felt betrayed by me, that he wasnt having sex with his wife and that was only me and her. That he just didn't feel comfortable with her like he did with me. But i could believe that he was going to having sex now. I don't know what to say to him, I don't think he will ever speak to me or want to see me ever again, I feel a great sense of sadness and feel empty inside like a huge part of my life is missing now. I really hurt him very badly for him to say he felt betrayed by me. I need some expert advise on what to do, I still love this man and I fully don't understand why. What should I do?? Should I never speak to him again, Should i never call him, My heart is breaking, I never ment to hurt him, but he won't believe me. Don't know what to do know, Need help??
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cjh1203 responded:
I'm sorry, but your feelings about this are totally screwed up. He's hurt? You betrayed him? He apparently has a lot of control over you to convince you to feel sorry for him, and to feel guilty.

He's a married man who has been cheating with you on his wife. When men say they aren't having sex with their wives, they're very often lying, but that is completely immaterial. Your first mistake was getting involved with him at all, and your second mistake was to start having sex with him once you thought you were over him, and despite the fact that you were once again contributing to his betrayal of his wife.

Besides being slimy, he is apparently also violent. I hope you filed a police report. If he would break your car window and call you all those names, who knows what else he might have been capable of doing to you?

Nothing about him sounds worthy of your love.

You didn't betray anyone. The only betrayal here is what he did to his wife. If you hurt him, so what?

Kick him to the curb, don't ever talk to him again, and take this all as a lesson. You can't ever hope to have any kind of fulfilling relationship with him or any other married man. If all you want is sex, get a vibrator and try to find a single man.

In the meantime, find ways to keep busy with friends. If you can keep this guy out of your life, I'd say you've dodged a big bullet.
 
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cjh1203 replied to cjh1203's response:
I want to add this. The term "friends with benefits" sounds nice and harmless, but it's not, especially with a married man. You can call what you've been doing being "friends with benefits", but what it really is is having an affair with a married man. And it's hard for most people to sustain a strictly sexual relationship. One person or the other is going to end up wanting more and getting hurt in the process.
 
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An_215954 replied to cjh1203's response:
I think this is true, too.
 
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blake_valentine responded:
1812 -- look, sometimes when you are in the middle of a relationship like this and emotions are so raw that you start to question your own judgment, try getting outside yourself and imagine what advice you might give to a friend who came to you asking for advice. And she told you the exact same story you just told us. Read your post over again, except this time, imagine your friend is sitting right in front of you, telling you this. What would you tell her to do?

I don't know this man but I know his type. You are better than this. You are too good for someone to do this to. What happened presents are great opportunity for you to extricate yourself from this mess. He's married. He has such respect for you that he broke your car window. IMO, you need a stronger sense of self-esteem to see more clearly that this man and this relationship are poisoning your life. There will be pain in the short-term, but you will gain self-esteem once you make the decision, and move forward. Good luck.
 
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fcl responded:
He is using you as his backup plan while expecting to be first in your life. He is married and wants to have his mistress too. Do you really want to be his second choice all your life? Don't you think you deserve to lead your life the way you want to? I suspect you have been with this man for so long that you've forgotten how much fun it can be dating, going out, meeting people and building friendships/relationships...

You are worried that YOU hurt HIM? He turned up at your place, sabotaged your evening and gave a rare display of violence. That alone, in my book, would be enough to turn me off of him forever. I really hope you filed a complaint with the police for your car. If not, you're leaving yourself open to a repeat performance next time he wants to cause a fuss.

You didn't hurt HIM you hurt his pride. He wants to be the big guy who can take care of two women at the same time. He cannot face the idea of being ditched by either of them - it would belittle his opinion of himself.

You don't still love him but you won't get over him until you cut contact with him. Drop him and start building a healthy life. It doesn't matter whether he believes you intended to hurt him or not - don't let him cling to you just because you're too scared to end it,

Be blunt with him. He has his life with his wife and family. It's time you set about building yours. Tell him that it's over and that you do not want him calling you. Do this in a fairly public place (like a restaurant) just in case he gets violent.

Heck, does he think you're going to sit alone every day just waiting for him to come by and ... ummm ... do you? Can't he understand that that is NOT a life.
 
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Leslie Becker-Phelps, PhD responded:
I strongly suggest that you think about whether this relationship is working for you-- not just whether you care for the man, which you clearly do. It sounds like the relationship has been hurtful, repeatedly over time, and that it is unlikely to lead to develop into a happier, more stable relationship. This is a lot for me to say given the very little I know, but please consider whether it is true. If it is, ask yourself whether you really want the future that you think is likely to happen with this relationship. If you do, then certainly work it out with him-- ease his hurt and move on. BUT, if you don't (and for your sake, I hope you don't), then find a way to cut the emotional strings that bind you, and move on. This will mean ending contact with him, refocusing on what does make you happy in life, and opening yourself up to other relationships. If (or more likely when) he tries to contact you again, you will need to be clear with him about your decision to no longer have contact-- not even just a cup of coffee or a phone call. He will need to seek companionship and support elsewhere. As for you hurting him, you need to think about whether you really think you are doing something wrong by moving on with your life. While you might not want to hurt him, it is not your personal responsibility to keep him happy- it's his.

I do wish you well with this and with finding happiness again.
 
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tmlmtlrl responded:
Ok first of all, don't worry he will be back. You are his play toy and he knows exactly how to mess with your mind! Your senerio with him is not unique at all. I'm sorry for the bluntness and usually keep the unkind words to myself, HOWEVER; when you play with fire you should plan to get burned! But like I said if your main concern is him and having him back....he will be back. That's how they play. He is just keeping you in check so you don't go running off with another man.
Maybe you should be more concerned with yourself, have self respect and higher standards for yourself. I think you haven't really felt true love in your life, but what he's giving you is the closest to what you think it should feel like. There is more to life and when you figure out that you deserve more and require more is when you'll find a real man.
 
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ImMe26 replied to tmlmtlrl's response:
This whole post makes you sound so cheap and nasty-sorry so blunt but maybe a "IN YOUR FACE" response is what you need. Re-read your own thread over and over...realized this is life and your playing it soooo backwards. He is married to someone else..not just emotional ties but legal ties...what did you hope to gain by all of this? You dont value yourself anymore than to be someone's sex toy? and by the sounds of your post,your either really young...or just plain inexprienced (to say the least)....

Stop this very one-sided relationship and learn some self respect..its free but you gotta dig deep to locate it..

Good luck.
 
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Schmaylan replied to ImMe26's response:
God I cannot even offer any sort of advice on this one. Go figure, another woman having trouble with her MARRIED boyfriend. Who would have thought.. Do these women even think when they engage in such relationships? I dont even know how they think this will work out well...
 
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tmlmtlrl replied to ImMe26's response:
Oh I'm sorry that my sarcasm didn't come through in my writing! I know plenty about life and what I said is true. He's a scumbag that wants his cake and to eat it too....oh and doesn't want anyone else to touch the icing!!! I'm telling her he is using her and has her wrapped around her finger and will continue to use her (as long as she allows him to). In no way was I condoning the actions. She is just still concerned about him and his feelings and that is just frustrating.
I know by what you wrote you took what I wrote completely wrong. But I guess good thing you are here to clarify things.
 
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IslandL replied to tmlmtlrl's response:
Uh tmlmtlrl...

I believe ImMe26 was directing her post to the OP's not yours. She just posted under yours instead of the top post. Sounds to me she was agreeing with you.
 
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tmlmtlrl replied to IslandL's response:
LMAO!!
Ok that makes sense too
Gotta laugh at myself here!!
I hope you're right...
 
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Ann_1812 replied to Leslie Becker-Phelps, PhD's response:
Doc, thanks for your input into this saga., I saw this man last night, Something has change now for both of us, the feelings of the heart are no longer their, This man has now told me goodbye for good, he said " he came to see if he could ever feel comfortable with me again", He told me that he no longer wanted to be with me and he could never trust me again. I think he is finally realizing that he was in love with having sex with me and not me the woman, in his sick twisted mind he still doesn't see the emotional pain that he has put me through. I do believe he also didn't want to ever really have it end badly because we were good friends before we became anything else to one another. He told me not to wait anymore and to call my new friend, that he did not to be with me. I think just wanted to be able to blame the whole thing on me for messin around on him. I will recover with time, He did say he was my friend, but I think under the circumstances what you had said is correct that I have no further contact with him. I has been a long time coming, And at one time I was very deeply in love with him, many felt like he just used me for great sex. I have no bad feelings, We had a nice parting. I think he knows that he loves his wife, and she is the woman he needs to be with. Thanks everyone for the post, If you want doc, this is the man I wrote about on the thread back in April Friends with benefits/Fwb read it and let me know your input.
 
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Leslie Becker-Phelps, PhD replied to Ann_1812's response:
I am glad that you feel satisfied with how it's ending. I hope that you can now move on to another relationship -- one that will make you happy.


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