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Is my boyfriend obsessed with me?
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An_216023 posted:
I've known my guy for a year and we've been dating for 3 or 4 months now. We became roommates and started dating a month or so later. I'm 21 and he just turned 19 last month. I never date younger guys, but we were good friends and I figured I'd give it a go. He instantly started talking about us getting married and having kids, which I thought was premature in the relationship, but I never said anything about it. It was actually quite nice to know there are men out there who want the same things women want.

I used to go to out to the bar once a week with the girls, but he insisted that if I was in a relationship there was no need to go out to the bar anymore. I slowly stopped going; to appease him and to save some money. Then he started getting very jealous of my guy friends, getting angry when I would speak to them. I told him I wasn't going anywhere, but I stopped talking to a few of my male friends, again to appease him.

Soon he started texting and calling me nonstop. If I told him I was going to the store, he would text/call me if I was "taking too long". He would get upset if I wanted to do something by myself. I explained to him that I need time alone in order to keep my sanity, but he insists that I must be cheating on him.

I've talked to him about all of my concerns, he says he'll work on the issues, but nothing really changes.

It's not all bad, however. He is always making sure that I don't have to lift a finger around the house most of the time, since I'm a full-time student and I work five nights a week. He helps out with my dog, making sure he gets to go outside when he needs to and helps me give my pup his meds and food. He wipes the snow off my car when I have to go anywhere. Etc. Etc. Its great that he does so much for me, but everything else is ridiculous.

I would end the relationship if it wasn't for a couple of things. First, he and I are both on the lease for the apartment together. Second, I found out early this month that I'm going to have his baby. What do I do??

We've been having issues and this is the last thing we need.

A few weeks ago we had a huge argument. He snapped his cell phone in half, punched a hole in the wall, and refused to let me leave the apartment. So I called the police and he went to jail for a few days. I felt that I had no other choice but to call 911. He has such a short temper all the time. Since then I've been doing a lot of thinking, about whether or not I can or want to be with him.

I asked him to stay somewhere else for a few days and let me do some serious thinking. I told him to leave me alone for a total of four days, but he called me about twenty times per day. I didn't answer any of his phone calls, but he insisted on bothering me. His voice mails accused me of cheating on him, saying that I don't care about him and he didn't understand why we were separated. He was suffocating me without being near me.

I don't know what I'm suppose to do. I don't want to have a child with someone who acts like a child. But I don't want to be the bad guy and not allow my child to see his/her father. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place and I am completely miserable.

Am I overreacting or is he obsessed? Should I try to make it work or should I end it now? What do I do about the situation I'm in (abortion is not an option)? Please help!
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cjh1203 responded:
You need to contact a woman's shelter immediately, talk to someone there, and get away from this guy as soon as possible. He shows every single sign of an abuser -- isolating you from other people, accusations, controlling you, violence, the incessant phone calls. He's not acting like a child -- he's acting like an abuser and talking to him is not going to change him.

I'm really sorry that you have the complication of a baby with this man, but don't let that keep you with him. There is no doubt in my mind at all that it's just a matter of time until he hurts you, and possibly your baby.

Here's one article about the signs and characteristics (including being charming and sweet) of an abuser. If you google "signs of abusive boyfriend" (or husband), you'll find lots more similar lists.

You owe it to yourself and your child to get away from this man as soon as possible. Don't worry right now about any future relationship between your child and your boyfriend -- you can figure that out later. I certainly would not let him have unsupervised visits, ever, but there's plenty of time to work out details like that.

Good luck.
 
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cjh1203 replied to cjh1203's response:
I just wanted to clarify that talking to someone at a women's shelter does not mean you have to stay there -- they have a lot of resources and can give you advice about how to proceed.
 
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DeadManWalking57 responded:
19 for a male is still pretty much a teenager, and very inappropriate for a live-in girlfriend, especially for unprotected sex.


He needs time to grow up and take care of himself, find out what normal relationships are like. People have friends, and should not be expected to abandon them for anyone just because of a new relationship. Just the opposite, sharing your friends would provide more insight into you for him and help him understand you from other people's perspectives.

Friends are to be shared and cultivated when possible, and help a relationship, can help smooth over rough spots, or give support when a relationship goes sour.

I agree a shelter may be adisable, or move back with your parents if nearby. Somewhere safe for you.
 
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Leslie Becker-Phelps, PhD responded:
I strongly agree with cjh. Please contact a domestic violence agency near you. You are at risk for him seriously harming you-- and now you have to think of safely making it through your pregnancy, too. If you don't know where to find one, check out the National Domestic Violence Hotline which you can get to by clicking on the link or by phoning at 800-799-7233 (SAFE).

Get safe and then figure out the details. I understand that abortion is not an option, but you might want to consider adoption. If you do decide to raise the child, as far as your boyfriend's relationship with the child goes, you can definitely figure that out later.

Please take the first step of getting help.
 
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HyperreflexiA responded:
I'm sorry to hear about everythign you're going through. I was in a similiar situation not to long ago. I was in an abusive relationship for a total of 3 years. I was in denial about it for a really long time, I thought I loved him and wanted to spend my life with him. One day after a serious fight, I finally found an opportunity to leave and I took it. A few weeks after I left him, I found out I was pregnant. We attempted to work things out and I moved back in with him. Things were good at first, but after about 2 months he went back to his old ways. I ended up having a miscarriage because of him. I gave up on the whole relationship. I luckily had a few friends left and with their help and a local shelter, I was able to leave safely.
I encourage you now to get out of the relationship because he won't be ready to take care of a child because he still is one and you also don't want to risk him hurting you or your baby(as what happened to me). I didn't actually stay at a shelter but they did help me find my own place etc. So it's worth looking into. If you want to talk more, my email is hyperreflexia@gmail.com
 
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Mindalu responded:
You really need to get out of this relationship as soon as possible. If you haven't told him about the pregnancy - DON'T. You will only have a lifetime of misery connected with this person through your child. With an abuser there are no happy endings. Please consider adoption.

This blog is an excellent resource: <http://www.lovefraud.com/blog/2010/04/12/10-signs-that-youre-dating-a-sociopath/> also the book "Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men" by Lundy Bancroft.
Good luck.
 
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happyadvance responded:
please keep on with that boy and always be honest to each other.The jealosy comes from love and you do not have alot of experiences,but already living a family life where there are all and the success comes from patiance.
 
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cjh1203 responded:
PLEASE do not listen to the previous poster. Your boyfriend is already violent and controlling, and it's just a matter of time before the violence is directed at you and/or your baby. Honesty and patience will not stop it.

And jealousy does not come from love. It comes from deep mistrust and a need to control. Someone who loves you will trust you, respect you, support your relationships with friends and family, and make you feel safe and cared for.
 
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ChristinaMoran responded:
YOU have a lot of growing up to do. I would say he does too but all previous posts were about his part in this.

A mature woman would not find herself in this situation, she just wouldn't let it happen. She would know exactly who was impregnating her.

The reason I focus on you is so that you don't make this same mistake next time because all along it was "his problem" "his mistake" "he was a bad guy" and you had no part in it.

You chose him for a reason. Find out why so you don't choose another like him. We too often make women feel as if they are eternal victims in these situations and they never get to grow up and see what their part is and take responsibilty for making healthy decisions.

Besides that: Yes the boy looks obsessed, very immature. He could be dangerous. If your scared get out. And please don't have sex with any more idiots.
 
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SunnyRainbwHeart replied to happyadvance's response:
What planet are you on?

Any boy who at such an early age exhibits pathological symptoms of being an abuser
is fully capable of murdering her.

Take off your rose-colored glasses and make an appointment with a psychiatrist, psychologist or social worker-counselor to learn about abusers, or if you can't afford it, read some books at the library on the subject of recognizing them. It could save your life, because you are obviously in danger of not recognizing the signs and therefore could easily fall prey to one.
 
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Lingua responded:
Every paragraph was another red flag. Don't ignore red flags, don't make excuses for having the good instincts you have. Overreacting? Oh, this is a perfect example of "if you hafta ask the question, you already know the answer". It is regretable that a pregnancy happened, but I agree that this guy has all the telltale signs of a classic abuser, the isolation and control and temper. Get a restraining order, and be sure it includes the baby if you intend to raise the child. Giving the guy one toe in the door is simply DANGEROUS for all concerned. I know adoption is a difficult choice, but certainly something to consider. A clean break with this guy would be best. I wish you strength and determination, you will need both.
 
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Pufferpunk responded:
Controlling relationships:
http://mentalhealthce.com/courses/contentCR/secCR16.html
 
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An_216024 responded:
Well I hope you always wanted to be a single mom when you grew up! I wouldn't stay with him if I were you. But if I were you, I wouldn't have gotten pregnant by such an idiot. That's why you should wait until you actually get to know a guy before you stop bothering to use protection.
 
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cjh1203 replied to An_216024's response:
This is a place where people are supposed to be able to come and ask for advice and support. How is it the least bit helpful to berate a 21 year-old in a potentially violent relationship, about something that has already happened? I doubt she can fly around the world backwards and go back in time and not get pregnant.

Don't you think she's probably suffering plenty already?

And unless you were present at the conception, you don't know if they used protection. Maybe the didn't, but maybe they did.


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