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Impossible Daughter in Law
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sunflower1943 posted:
Help please - I have a DIL who is an extremely difficult person - she is impossible and no one likes her including her husband, my son. She has no friends and no one has anything good to say about her - she is always miserable and making trouble.

They did have a child and know my son is staying with her now only for that. The problem is she makes up lies about me and tells her husband and then my son calls me and gets mad at what he heard - he knows how nutty his wife is but then when I explained what really happened he said I am sorry.

Just one example - my grandson lives down the street and is 2 years old - I saw him on Sunday on his bicycle and invited him to come with his mom - as usual he is inquisitive and came in house and went in yard and played etc - my husband was out getting us sandwiches and when he came home with our lunch I offered if they wanted any sandwich and they said no. Since it was Father's day we then had an angel food cake that I made - and my husband wanted a piece before he left so I did ask DIL if she wanted a piece and she said no and then asked if her son, my grandson, wanted a piece and she said ok - everything went ok.

Two hours later my son calls and reads me the riot act - telling me her wife said that I enticed him to come down to eat cake which they don't want him eating junk food and then said
that I gave him THREE pieces which is untrue - I gave him an inch wide piece and cut it up in several pieces so he wouldn't choke and put a little ready-whip on it with strawberries that I cut out. After my son calmed down he said he was sorry.

This is what I am up against ALL THE TIME - she lies or makes trouble - what do I do - right now my son is in harvest and very stressed so he asked me not to say or talk about this to her. Everyone is afraid of her but she continually gets by with all of this - If I get mad at her and tell her off my son gets all the stress.

What shall I do????? I need some advice. I would like to go and tell her face to face to quit lying about me to her husband. I think she is jealous of me because I have a wonderful relationship with my son.

Please help me - what do you suggest. THANK YOU
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Leslie Becker-Phelps, PhD responded:
I wish I knew of a way to make this better for you, but I really don't. All I can offer are some tips that might be helpful.

If she misconstrues everything you say in a negative way, then trying to make her understand or telling her to stop lying won't help. If it is not all the time, perhaps you can figure out a pattern of when she is likely to respond well. You might also enlists your son's suggestions or feedback.

You might want to talk with your son about his situation with her. Perhaps she will go to therapy-- it sounds like she really needs help. Or, if she won't go for herself, perhaps she will go with him for couple counseling (her issues can be addressed there, too).

Barring changing the interactions from anything above, all you can do is accept that she is this way. In this case, you might want to greatly limit your contact with her when your son is not around. You might also discuss the pattern with your son and ask that he be careful about believing his wife's stories when they leave him angry; that instead, he approach you with a more open mind. If the problem with him persists, you will need to be firm with him about HIS behavior.
 
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sadgrammie responded:
I feel for you. I also have a daughter-in-law whisch has turned my relationship with my son upside down. He is 30 years old and up until he married her we had the best relationship. My grandson is turning 1 in July and because me and the daughter-in-law had a tiff, I am not allowed to come to the birthday party. I wake up everyday wondering what is in store for me today. How many texts will I receive from her belittling me. No grandmother or mother should have to go through such pain. We deserve respect. I hope it gets better for you. I will keep you in my thoughts.
 
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Boyzmomee responded:
I'm so sorry. I would love to have a MIL like you.
 
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FrenchBulldogMom responded:
You need to sit both of them down and set some boundaries. Let them know that you will not tolerate this lying and childish behavior anymore. It is inappropriate and a bad example for their child. Your son is choosing to believe her lies and it sounds like he's confused. Are they a real couple or is he just "staying with her for their child"?
This situation can't be healthy. Children pick up on the conflict between parents.
 
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sunflower1943 replied to FrenchBulldogMom's response:
He is just staying with her because of the child - he told me he would have been gone long time ago if it wasn't for the child.

Sad - he will be miserable for a long time but who knows maybe he will leave her when child gets older - hard to tell and it's not my business - we support our children with whatever decisions they make. It's his life and he is an adult and will have to make his own decisions is what I believe - thank you for your help and cooperation in this matter.
 
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amanda1585 responded:
Better stay away from them...DIL or SIL sometimes feels different with MIL or FIL around.
Remember they have thier own family now.
If they asked for help or visits you its fine if not..stay happy with yourself and your husband..Get busy with your friends...have fun without them.
Your son will always be your son and you are and will always be his mother...
Pray and trust GOD.
 
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WiscRN51 replied to Leslie Becker-Phelps, PhD's response:
It was a relief, yet with great sadness that I found this site and see other grandmothers in my shoes. I used to think I knew everything because I had studied advanced abnormal psychology in grad school while studying to become a clinical nurse specialist, but I'd never met anyone quite like my DIL before, either, I guess--and perhaps because the egregious behavior is against myself, I am just too close to the situation to be completely objective..

We, too, have a situation where the DIL is

1) narcissitic, controlling, and spookily vindictive, to the point where even her license plate exhibits a "the world is about me" attitude.

2) misconstrues every single thing that comes out of the mouths of the maternal in-law family and has had our son calling us intermittently, irately over the years, lambasting us with the unexpected, effectively blowing us out of the water to the point where we don't even know what he's talking about--sometimes, it seems as if it borders insanity;

Example of #2: last year, when I got the call that there would be another child, I put a happy one-liner on my limited-friends facebook page that said: "I'm going to be a grandma again---whoo hoo!" Before you know it, I have my next door neighbor being called (her daughter works with my DIL), being told: "Mom! You should see what [me> did to hurt [DIL> on purpose!" Thank goodness, my neighbor told her daughter she was being ridiculous.

3) most recently, my two beloved young grandchildren, age 2 and 4 months have been used as pawns against us (and this is when I finally blew, like Chernoble--I will NOT allow this to continue)

4) My son has his own weaknesses--he allows things to happen (even though he admits she is vindictive, etc), and he has begun treating his own parents (us) as if we are '30-somethings who can be cussed at and told off' at a whim. (To me, this is shocking to see him devleop into her)

Finally, this past week, after years of this ongoing intermittent abuse to we elders who are of retirement age and who were getting literally physically ill from all of this: "get yourselves some help and don't come back until you do, i.e., when you have developed some respect and empathy for others--it's a terrible shame that your children will have to miss out on a terrific set of grandparents." (NOTE: there is NO seeing the grandkids without constant control coming from the mommy)

We had finally reached a horrible breaking point (this came after the DIL enigneered another abject public humiliation for us--long story). Don't know if we did the right thing, but after yearrs on end of this, it seemed like time to bail before one of us died in heart failure. Example: after their wedding, hubby had to be sedated by his doctor--even the wedding was despicable and disrespectful (about the worst Bridezilla show you could ever imagine).

Are we correct in thinking that she lacks any kind of productive self-esteem? That her need to control everyone down to becoming the thought police, or trying to force who my friends can be, etc., is all a part of her paranoid, angered, narcissistic outlook? (to say nothing of what we know ails our son at times)

All I can say is: no matter how you try to be appropriately or pleasantly assertive with her, you might as well run your car into a test-dummy brick wall. The answers she gives will ALWAYS be the snide "whatever" attitude.
 
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birdielyder replied to WiscRN51's response:
I think we have twins for DIL. Mine is absolutely hateful toward me, and her latest has crossed the line in the sand. I have one grandchild, her daughter, and now she has advanced from keep son from mother, to keep granddaughter from grandma. Baby 1st birthday tomorrow, party was Sunday, Sept 16. I arrive to "discover" my ex-husband, who has had NO contact with my sons for 27 yrs (his choice) was at the party, with his brother and sister-in-law. This was my "surprise" for the day. Neither my DIL, nor her mother, nor her father spoke one word to me. But, they hosted the party so were in on this hateful event. I didn't even see my granddaughter except in passing. My son only calls me when she is out, or asleep. I can only see baby once month or 6 wks when mother is out. I am beyond hurt. I feel like I'm losing my mind. I have NEVER felt what I would call hatred, but I fear that what I'm feeling now. I am relieved I found this site, and am asking for any help or advice. My son and DIL have been together 11 years, married for 7 of them. This behavior started when they became engaged. They are 35 (her) and 38 (him). I am now 65, and have never been more unhappy in my entire life. I have been through this melodrama for 11 years and feel I am losing my grip. Thank you to anyone who understand or has any advice.
 
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sadgrammie replied to WiscRN51's response:
I posted over 1 year ago and for some reason I started to get all these replies. NOTHING has changed for me. In fact today is a rather tough day for me. I get dressed, go to work and do the same routine day in and day out. I am so happy for all the responses I am getting after a year. I have learned to live with my sadness and not seeing my grandson. I do have 3 other granchildren that are the loves of my life. My daughter is married to Stephen, a marine who was recently deployed to Afgan. I had the Privelege and honor to watch them for the summer while my daughter worked evening shifts as a nurse. My DIL will NEVER change and I have now accepted that. It does not mean I do not go to sleep everynight with a heavy heart. I would love to contine our conversation.
 
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Moses2003 replied to sadgrammie's response:
I am sad to say that it makes me feel better to know that I am not alone in a very similar situation. My younger son's wife hates me also and refuses to let myself and my husband spend ANY time with our two grandchildren. We got to see our grandson the day after he was born but not since then. It has caused so many problems that my son (who I was very close with) won't come around anymore either. I think he got tired of being put in the middle. I have decided that as long as he is happy and can be a good father that is what I want for him. I don't ever see this getting better unless she changes. As a side note, I have another DIL that I get along great with and see the grandchildren when ever I want. Which helps ease the pain.
 
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sadgrammie replied to Moses2003's response:
I have learned to cherish what I do have. My grandson is the one who is losing out. I am a fun and loving Grammie who offers love and security to my other three grandchildren. Grandchildren are a piece of heaven. I know in my heart that I have never done anything to my DIL to make her dislike me. She is the one who will be left with a heavy heart. You are correct though, as long as my son is happy, that is all that is important to me. I thank GOD for letting him in my life for 28 years.
 
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dfromspencer replied to sadgrammie's response:
I hit this tab, but this is for all. How do some people not get this? They are not hurting you, they are not hurting themselves, they ARE hurting their own children. Keeping their children from a loving relationship with their grandparents is a tragidy! Once we are gone, those children will have never know us. Will have never learned any of our histories, or our life's lessons. Sadly, it is the grandchildren who will suffer the most.

I feel so sorry for all of you! My situation is totally different from yours. My sil is a very loving person, he takes good care of his family, and my daughter. Unfortunately, we lives states apart, and the visits are few and far between. At least, no one is being vindictive to me. I feel so sorry for all the grandchildren out there, who have to live with parents like that. Poor little darlings, they are the big loser in all of this.

Keep the faith, who knows, maybe they will come to their senses? Take care, Dennis
 
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Moses2003 replied to dfromspencer's response:
You are so right! It is the grandchildren who suffer in the end! I often wonder what my son will tell them when they are older and wonder why we weren't a part of their lives like my DIL's parents. My two other grandchildren do play with them and I am sure it will come up some day when they are older and they wonder who "Mae Mae and Pa Pa" are. Thank you for your thoughts, Dennis!
 
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dfromspencer replied to Moses2003's response:
Thank you! After reading these sad stories, i just felt compelled to write what i felt inside. I could not help but cry, after reading these posts. If this were my situation, i would never give up the fight to be with my grandchildren. I would always keep hope in my heart, that the situation may change?

I will keep all of you in my thoughts, and pray this situation changes, and soon. Best of luck to you, and any other grandparent going through this. My heart is with you.

Dennis


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