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My boyfriend of 10 years will not commit because of his children
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An_216217 posted:
This relationship is 10 years old. He lives in another town (about 40 minutes away) and we only see each other on weekends. His children did not want to move to my hometown, so we would see each other only on weekends. He promised that when they graduate from high school and go to college, then we would marry and live in my hometown. I own my home and live in the same sub-division as my Children/Grandchildren. We all love him and he loves all of us, but he won't committ.
His daughter 22 is in college, his son just graduated from high school and going to college. No he wants to stay in his hometown because his son does not want to move to my hometown and live in my house. I reminded my boyfriend of his promise, but I don't see him very excited about the idea. I want to tell you also that during these 10 years he has lost his job twice. Once the 3 of them lived in my house for about 4 months and when he found another job they went back to their town. Now he has a very good job and we could do so well economically and emotionally. I asked him and he is in doubt. Am I being naive? Time to move on? It's been 10 years of my life I have given him, should I give him more time? My heart says yes, even though my "little voice" says NO! Enough... move on!
Reply
 
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An_216218 responded:
Have this honest discussion with him. Be as frank with him as you are being here...then you will know your answer to your own question
 
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eepico replied to An_216218's response:
Thank you. I have, and he gets very defensive and upset. That stops me from trying to avoid further arguments. And then... lives continues as usual. In the meantime, I am here getting older by the second and alone.
 
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cjh1203 replied to eepico's response:
I know this isn't what you want to hear, but I think it's probably time to cut your losses and move on. If, after ten years and all the promises, he's coming up with new reasons not to do what he agreed to, he just doesn't want to do it. Especially since he doesn't want to discuss it, I think you're probably just spinning your wheels, unfortunately.
 
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eepico replied to cjh1203's response:
I agree with you CjH1203, I think exactly the same way but it is very hard after 10 years. I don't think he will ever change and I will never be his priority.
Thank you for taking your time, I really appreciate it. Thank you too, Anon_4029. I would like to know if any of you is a male, I would really like the opinion of a male.
Thanks!
 
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IslandL responded:
He likes the life he has, where and how he lives and doesn't want to change it. On some level you've known this and accepted it for 10 YEARS. Since you've been content (mostly) to live this way for a decade, why is it on the table as a dealbreaker now? Does him not wanting to move in with you this year really change how you feel about him?

That's what I think you should look at.
 
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eepico replied to IslandL's response:
You are absolutely right IslandL. He likes this "weekend" arrangement, it has, it is very convenient. I, on the other hand, gave him 10 years of my time, my life, to accommodate him and his children believing what he promised. Now, the time has come, and he is looking for excuses. It's my fault! My feelings are the same, I still love him but loosing trust in him. Very hard for a woman my age to start all over again.
Thank you for taking your time to respond. It is appreciated.
 
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IslandL replied to eepico's response:
Why exactly do you feel you have to "start all over again" eepico? You have you own home. You have your own life. Your feelings are still the same regarding him. What is it that compells you to make a "poop or get off the pot" decision for yourself? Is what you have so bad? Does what you see for your future look so bleak?

What I'm getting at, is are you really unhappy with the situation you have, (and have had for 10 years), or do you think you should be unhappy with it? This isn't about this man you know, it's all about you.
 
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ImMe26 replied to IslandL's response:
Well you cant "make" him do what you want him to do, or what he promised to do. Fact is you have given him 10yrs too many and have settled for the relationship you have , along time ago.

I understand the hurt you feel, knowing that he isnt following thru with his promises, but in all honesty, it sounds like the ideal situation for him. He doesnt have to deal with the everyday life stuff, or prorities , he just has to make time for you on the weekend. He enjoys the way it is now.

Im sorry but at this point, if he is also older, I dont see him magically changing and deciding to committ to you.

(((HUGS))) I know its tough, but life is too short to sit and wait for empty promises.

Good luck!
 
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eepico replied to IslandL's response:
I am unhappy, and have been for some time. I did not want to make the situation worse by pushing the issue. If he does not make up his mind, I will have to "move on" and start all over again. That worries me. It's not easy. I still love him, but it seems like he does not love me enough to keep his promise.

10 years is a long time to wait for someone who does not appreciate you. It hurts very deep.
 
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eepico replied to ImMe26's response:
Thank you ImMe26. Everything I have been told this PM has been in my mind. I just wanted, needed, for someone to say it so I can trust my feelings.

It's all my fault for allowing this. I blame myself, not him. He just took advantage of a great situation, a convenient agreement accepted by me.
 
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ImMe26 replied to eepico's response:
I wouldnt beat yourself up too bad over this, the heart can make us do crazy things, take it from me....

But hey dont look at this as a completely bleak situation, who says you have to give him up totally?? If you still want companionship and he is atleast good company on the weekends, you can still be his "friend" and still look for a real person to spend the rest of your life with. There is nothign wrong with all of that , if everyone is open and honest.

Even though I get the impression you probably arent this type of person and wouldnt feel comfortable being in this situation (IM THE EXACT SAME WAY) , I just wanted to throw it out there.

You did nothing wrong but believe in your heart that he was honest and would committ down the road. Next time jsut dont wait so long to see progress or signs that he is actually making things happen to move them in that direction.
 
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IslandL replied to eepico's response:
Eepico,
Do you love you enough though to do what is best for you?

How do you see you being happy? From here it looks like you aren't sure - that you are depending on another person to make you happy - if not this man, another. Another man might be willing to move into your house, but it's possible he may bring a whole 'nother set of problems that would make you more unhappy than you've been with 10 year man.

So when you envision the future, you, eepico, would like to have, what does it look like? If you maintained a relationship for a decade with someone you didn't live with, you were getting something out of that - what was it? If it isn't enough anymore, then it just isn't enough. But to truly move on, you need to be assured that you will be okay without your happiness being contingent on what another person does, or doesn't do.

Does this make any sense to you?
 
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IslandL replied to IslandL's response:
Eepico,
Is this man married? Did he tell you he would get a divorce once his children were out of the house?
 
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eepico replied to IslandL's response:
I have a very interesting life. My job is great and with a great company. I do lots of volunteer work that have taken me to other countries. Met mayors, senators, big personalities. Can go on a vacation by myself, have dinner in a nice restaurant by myself.... I do not sit and wait for someone to take care of me. As you can see, he is never around. Never takes vacations with me. The few we have taken are short and close to home (remember the children 18 & 22?) I just want him to be part of it, to finally have someone every day next to me when I wake up. We really have a good time when we are together. I was OK for him to be with the children when they were small, but now.... it's time to make changes, to commit, to do the right thing. I don't need him to be happy, but I feel happy when I am with him.


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