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Romance, Have You Seen It?
Chris_WebMD_Staff posted:

Is romance a thing of the past or is it still alive?

What is your best memory of a romantic night or experience?

Do you consider yourself romantic?

Life is too short, so kiss slowly, laugh insanely, love truly and forgive quickly.
Author Unknown
cjh1203 responded:
This is sort of ironic, given my unhappy marital situation now, but one of my most romantic experiences was with my husband, on our honeymoon.

It was the week between Thanksgiving and Christmas, and we went to a resort in the mountains of Virginia. This was typically their slowest week of the year and, in this huge old hotel, there were only fewer than 30 guests.

We had the dining room to ourselves one night, and there was a trio playing big band music. We got up and danced to "In the Mood", and it started snowing outside -- those big, gorgeous fat flakes. We continued to dance for a while, and then went for a long walk as the snow continued to come down -- it was just one of those nights that you could never plan.

I don't consider myself a romantic in the candles and flowers sense. I used to be romantic in the thoughtful gestures sense, but I think I don't even do that as much any more -- it's a self-protective thing, I think.
cjh1203 replied to cjh1203's response:
I do know there's more than a week between Thanksgiving and Christmas! I meant the first week between the two holidays.
3point14 responded:
My fella and I have only been together a year and a half, so the romance is still alive for us. He...golly, he could come out of the pages of a romance novel. For my birthday this year he and I and my parents were on vacation. I woke up early with a vase filled with wildflowers that he'd picked next to me (along with some very sweet gifts), and we found a private beach and ate cake all day. He painted my nails and gave me a glorious foot rub that night, too.

One of the most romantic nights I've ever had was when he took me into Boston to see the Nutcracker, which is something I'd always done as a kid. He let me use his grandmother's floor length fur jacket and gave me a string of pearls as a surprise. After the ballet, he took me out for drinks in a gorgeous bar, and fed me grapes as we both a little tipsy and laughed all night. I've never felt so wanted in my life.

I'm a pretty romantic person. I buy him "thank you" cards all the time, just for being him. I'll make him little gift baskets randomly, or write little notes. I show my love in many small gestures, and it means a lot that he returns those.

We're really well-suited for each other in that we're kind of attention whores, so we lavish it on each other a lot and really see an idealized version of each other most of the time. It's nice. :)

CJH. your night sounds beautiful. I know things aren't going great for you guys lately (and how're you holding up?), but you're so lucky to have experienced that.
cjh1203 replied to 3point14's response:
Hi, Pi. I remember you talking about your Nutcracker night at the time -- it sounded pretty magcal!

I'm doing fine, thanks. My husband told me a couple of days ago that he would be out by the end of the month, so we'll see. I know it's the best thing, but it's still sad after spending 20 years together. I do like being alone, though, so it will be fine. Thanks for asking.
darlyn05 responded:
I would not consider myself a romantic as defined by Webster's or society as in daily or weekly events. Some things are expected within a committed relationship by both people that are romantic by nature.

I am a fan of the occassions or events where I and my spouse/partner go into seclusion per se. Even with a silly or funny atmosphere. And even times within a crowd.
jjchosenjj responded:
A summer evening in Paris eating crepes on the Eiffel Tower watching the sunset.
alaska_mommy replied to cjh1203's response:
cjh, I sort of feel like you're downplaying what's going on with your hubby. I guess I just want to say, if you want to talk about it, you know we're all here. You are so "there" for everybody, and I hope we can be "there" for you too if you need it.
cjh1203 replied to alaska_mommy's response:
Thank you, alaska_mommy. I don't even talk to people in real life about it very much. The reason I don't talk about it more here is that this is the kind of thing I'd probably jump on someone else for! I hadn't brought up his leaving for a couple of weeks, but he asked me in July if I really wanted him to leave and I said yes. He said he'd be out by the end of the month but he's still here and I haven't seen any sign that he's planning to leave. I would probably tell someone else to get a lawyer and do something about it but I'm just not at the point where I'm ready for that.

So, now we have to have the same conversation again, which I just hate. And I have to stop being patient and nice about it. The hard thing is that he's really a good guy -- just not a very good husband because of his drinking.

Thanks for your concern -- I appreciate it.
cfisk replied to cjh1203's response:
CJH, I wonder if you are so used to being the care-giver and "rescuer" in the marriage that it's very hard to let that identity go. You had said that you took him back after being separated for a while and maybe it just seemed very familiar and validating to step right back into that role.

I definitely agree that a person is not going to be able to act until they're ready. I'm just concerned that he'll stay and stay and stay, and then his health will deteriorate. I mean, you say he's robust right now. Suddenly there might be a series of health problems, manifesting themselves like a domino effect. Then you'll talk yourself into nursing him in his final years because you'll think, "but he has nowhere to go!" It could years of him going into a gradual decline. Is he 59 or older?
cjh1203 replied to cfisk's response:
I'm completely ready to let him go -- I'm just not ready to take legal steps to do it yet.

I'm really not caregiving or rescuing. We live almost completely separate lives. He works nights and sleeps during the day so I don't see him that much -- mostly for a few minutes when he gets home from work and leaves again. On the days he's not working, he's often having a sleep marathon.

He's 59 -- you make me feel like we're in our 80s! He gets blood work and checkups twice a year and the only things wrong with him are high cholesterol and ADD, which contributes to his drinking problem. He probably will have health problems at some point, but they're more likely to be caused by smoking than drinking.

When I say he's an alcoholic, people may be picturing someone who's knocking back a fifth of Jack every day, which isn't the case. He normally drinks 6-8 beers five or six days a week. It is too much, and he has been unable to stop, so he's obviously an alcoholic. He's also one of those people who acts different after only one beer. He's usually not mean when he drinks, although sometimes he walks in the door ready for an argument -- not often. He's just a pain in the ass and acts stupid. As a good friend said, it has also made him mostly absent in our marriage.

I do see our situation very clearly and I know what needs to be done. I have made an effort to get that done, but I know he's hoping that I'll drop it. I just need to be a lot more assertive about it.
naggingwife74 replied to cjh1203's response:
Giving advice is easy, that's why there are so many people on WebMD boards doing it!

Going through a divorce, seperation or break up is not easy, that's why so many people come to WebMD asking for help, support and hope.

I can relate to not wanting to talk about your situation here because advice you have given in the past is the total opposite of what you are doing. Been there and will probably be there again! Just know that there are several people here that have you in our thoughts and wish you the best. We are always here for venting or advice - remember, that's easy for us to give!
cjh1203 replied to naggingwife74's response:
Thanks, Nagging. Even though I don't always take my own advice, I think that my experiences have given me a pretty good understanding of a lot of the problems people come here with.

Actually, I have been attempting to take my own advice for a long time, but my husband has been like a brick wall. He has always dealt with everything unpleasant in his life by pretending it doesn't exist and hoping it will just go away (his sisters are all like that, too), and I know that's what's happening here.

Anyway, thank you for the support!
alaska_mommy replied to cjh1203's response:
cjh, hope I didn't go prying open a can of worms for you. Not my intentions!

I think I can understand how it can not be quite as imperative to kick him out if you don't really see each other that much. It's not like there's much chance of his behavior having much negative impact on you. You probably end up just being like roommates I guess.

I hope you can resolve this in a way that works best for you. You always have great advice so I know you will do what's best for you, and only you know what that is.

Take care :)
cjh1203 replied to alaska_mommy's response:
No problem, alaska_mommy. I have brought it up before, so it's fair game.

My big problem with the way things are is that if I'm going to live my own life, I want to do it by myself. I feel as though I'm not getting any of the benefits of being married anyway, so there's not much point in being married. As you say, it's not an urgent situation, though.

Thanks for the kind words.

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