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Relationship problems.
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Anon_233426 posted:
I honestly have no idea where to start. Me and my Fiance have been together for two years and some odd months. We also have an 11 month old son. The first year was great, We were in love and never had a dull moment. The second year not so much.

I've had trouble finding a job and she feels like she supports everything and it's a complete turn off for her. She says she feels completely indifferent to me but she feels something when we kiss.

Things finally came to a boiling point last week. She started staying with her mom and currently likes a boy she went to school with because of how he treats her. He also stays where her mom is staying so she is constantly seeing him and not me. She says she needs space and that being over there with her mom and that boy is something she just needs to do for some reason or another. That she wants to ride it out and see where it goes. And I'm just stuck in the situation. She also says she doesn't want me to try to flirt.

I'll be honest and admit that I've messed up alot. No work and no income is alot of stress on a young couple. ( I'm 24 and shes 21)
I haven't paid attention to her like I should have either. or appreciated her enough.

I love her dearly, and I feel like I have to try even more so because of our son who can't tell us what he wants. I want us to be a family but is it a lost cause? Do I just need to except it and move on?
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cjh1203 responded:
I'm sorry for your situation. Not being able to find a job is tough enough, without relationship problems on top of it.

For whatever reason, It sounds like your fiance has broken up with you, without having the courtesy to let you know.

You can't allow her to continue this arrangement, where she has a boyfriend and a fiance. She seems to have chosen the boyfriend so, much as it hurts, I think you need to tell her that your engagement is off. She is just leaving you dangling and nobody deserves that.

This is especially sad because you have a child together. You can still have a close, loving relationship with your son, but I know it's not the same as being a family. Staying together just for your son isn't the answer, though.

Not being able to find a job can be a strain on even the strongest relationships. When it's added to other problems that already exist, it can be a killer, unfortunately. I'm sorry this has happened to you.
 
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Whatchacallit9231 replied to cjh1203's response:
I'm sorry, Im poor at wording things that are so emotional for me. She didn't just do anything without telling me. We've had countless arguements over it and it did result in us "breaking up".

She tells me he isn't a boyfriend per say. I'm assuming it's a fling (she tells me that she likes his company and how he makes her feel so I assume they haven't done anything) because she's turning 21 soon and realized what a big commitment she was in.

It's just so hard not to try, you know? I love her and i want to be with her. We've both talked about it and we both wanted it, i just don't know why she took such an extreme answer to our problems.
 
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Whatchacallit9231 replied to Whatchacallit9231's response:
I'm sorry, I should have said that I'm the OP.
 
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cjh1203 replied to Whatchacallit9231's response:
Even if it's just a fling, she has no right to leave you -- the man she's engaged to and the father of her child -- twisting in the wind while she has it. I definitely wouldn't assume that they haven't done anything.

I suspect that a lot of this may be that she is young and immature, and she wasn't ready for the responsibility of a baby at such a young age. It doesn't sound like she really wants to settle down yet. Your problems may not have as much to do with this as you think.

When you're that age and picturing yourself being a wife and mother, it can be exciting to think about -- mostly because young girls tend to romanticize those things to the extreme -- but it could be that when she finally really thought about being someone's wife at her age, she realized she was a long way from being ready for that. Now, it's exciting for her that someone else is apparently attracted to her and she's in the early stages of infatuation.

If she doesn't want to be with you, nothing you do is going to change her mind. I know that is really painful, but you can get over it in time. Please, though, have some self-respect and don't let her play you while she has her fun with the other guy.

Much as this hurts, it's better that it happened now than after you were married for a while -- and I do think it would have happened at some point. She's not mature enough yet to settle down for life.
 
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FCL replied to cjh1203's response:
I agree - especially about her lack of maturity. I suspect that she also likes living with her mother because grandma takes care of baby and leaving her free to do what she pleases. Not good. When you have a baby you take care of her/him. You don't expect others to do it for you.

Do not let her walk all over you like this. I also would not assume that nothing had happened. And if it has then it's called cheating. Was she only with you until someone else came along? I certainly hope not.

How do you feel about her running around like that and leaving your baby with her mother? Does her mother observe your family rules for baby? Does she respect your views on discipline, food, etc.? Remember you are the father. You have your word to say. The baby does NOT belong to your gf. It may be time to get her to sit down and talk to you like an adult about the baby's future because whether you stay together or not the baby is always going to be there and you have a right as the father to participate in all decisions.

Have you considered asking for custody and having her pay child maintenance? Just a thought ...
There's nothing inherently dirty about sex, but if you try real hard and use your imagination you can overcome that.
 
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Whatchacallit9231 replied to FCL's response:
Her mother also has a daugher that is turning two this year. I'm usually the one to keep our son during the nights and she comes to visit him during the day. She loves him and she wouldn't let someone else take care of him for her to do whatever she wants.
 
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Caveat_Emptor replied to Whatchacallit9231's response:
Shes crazy. Get out your kid and get out of this situation now.
 
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FCL replied to Whatchacallit9231's response:
She "visits" her own child???? Look, you clearly are the adult in this situation and you clearly are the primary parent. Why not file for custody (this won't change much it will just officialize the existing situation) and break up with her. Stand up for yourself and your child and drop her.
There's nothing inherently dirty about sex, but if you try real hard and use your imagination you can overcome that.
 
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Whatchacallit9231 replied to FCL's response:
I meant that she comes and sees him everyday. She doesn't try to avoid him and such.

And honestly, i was looking for helpful advise on how to fix things. I don't want things to just be over between us.
 
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Whatchacallit9231 responded:
I meant that she sees him everyday. She doesn't try to avoid him.

To be honest, I was hoping for some positive advice on how to fix things or lift my spirits. I don't want things to be over between us because of this.
 
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cjh1203 replied to Whatchacallit9231's response:
One person can't fix a relationship, unfortunately. If she doesn't want to fix it, too, there's not a thing you can do.

I guess I can't understand how you could sit by and let her keep you on the hook while she has left you for another man. That aside, though, unless she wants to be with you, I'm afraid you have no options. If she wants to be with you, she needs to dump him now, and I would insist on couple's counseling.
 
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Whatchacallit9231 responded:
I can understand that. It always takes two to do anything.

And it's not easy wanting to wait around on her. I just can't see raising our son with anyone else or being with anyone else in general.

I guess I feel like I'm a stuck between a rock and a hard place in this whole situation. Why do relationships have to be so complicated?
 
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cjh1203 replied to Whatchacallit9231's response:
I guess if relationships were too easy, we wouldn't appreciate them when they're good -- I'm with you, though, and wish they weren't so complicated.

The situation with your child really concerns me. Not avoiding her son doesn't make her a good mother -- that's setting the bar for motherhood awfully low. Unless I'm missing something, it sounds like she's handed over raising him to you anyway, and she is only involved enough to visit him every day.

I really think what's happened is that she's decided she wants to have a good time, rather than being a wife and mother. She wants to go back in time to before she was expected to be a responsible adult. You seem pretty mature, and she is lagging way behind.

I'm sorry this is so hard for you. I think you and she are very far apart right now in what you want out of life, and that is probably going to be awfully difficult to overcome.
 
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Whatchacallit9231 responded:
Parts of me have thought the same thing about her wanting to go back in time. Neither one of us were ready when we found out she was pregnant but not having him wasn't an option to us.

She hasn't handed him over for me to raise persay. Alot of him staying here with me is because he is comfortable here and we have a window AC unit to keep him cool at night because He still likes to be swaddled.

I wish I would've appreciated our relationship more before all of this had happened. Maybe things wouldn't be as bad as they are now.

Do you think those differences are able to be overcome?


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