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Am i emotionally unavaliable?
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melaybado posted:
I came across this forum while browsing the webmd website, based on my ob/gyn advice to find info on fibroids. Speaking of a relationship, i am 25 yrs in a 1 year relationship with a 29 yrs physically challenged guy that has been my close friend for about 5 years. The relationship started after the end of an emotionally abusive 1-year relationship ( my first), after which he was my cry-pillow, and comforter. He had been asking me out for a long while but i kept rejecting him but went into the relationship based on how much he seems to understand me and vice-versa. Needless to say we have a beautiful relationship but i can't seem to accept his marriage proposal because he wants me to leave my church denomination for his. This issue was also evident in my previous relationship, then why did i decide to start this also? I didn't want the relationship but he seems to love me so much and gradually i fell in love with him.
The problem as at today:
1, i love him but am not sure if i want to spend the rest of my life with him, he is d most beautiful person, and all that but he has a history of philandering in the past, though he says he has been celibate for about 4 years. Our relationship is without sex, although we do engage in oral sex and stuff and unlike the previous guy, he just ok to have a celibate relationship, most times, it is i that push for the physical aspect of our relationship. Also, we don't have the sort of intellectual sparring i enjoy, i am a research analyst and he is an accountant. The truth is i have accepted and later declined his offer of marriage so many times because i discover even when i accept, he later develops cold feet and withdraws. Aside of all this, i will still give him credit for being perhaps the most self-less person i know
2, there is this other guy that is all-that but doesn't give me attention, infact i have been waiting for 3 years for him to make the move, but it seems there is always someone else, i went on a field mission last 2 months, in which he visited me and we kissed, but he still does not know if he wants to commit as there is some-else. I have decided to forget about him and concentrate on building my relationship, he may not be all i want but he seems a good man.
Yet i have a concern, do i love this guy or am i merely grateful for his love? Or am i emotionally unavailable and also prone to such relationships?
P.s don't advice a therapist because such services are not readily available in Africa.
All comments/advice are welcome.
7 Replies |Watch This Discussion | Report This| Share this:Am i emotionally unavaliable?I came across this forum while browsing the webmd website, based on my ob/gyn advice to find info on fibroids. Speaking of a relationship, i am 25 yrs in a 1 year relationship with a 29 yrs physically challenged guy that has been my close friend for about 5 years. The relationship started after the end of an emotionally abusive 1-year relationship ( my first), after which he was my cry-pillow, and comforter. He had been asking me out for a long while but i kept rejecting him but went into the relationship based on how much he seems to understand me and vice-versa. Needless to say we have a beautiful relationship but i can't seem to accept his marriage proposal because he wants me to leave my church denomination for his. This issue was also evident in my previous relationship, then why did i decide to start this also? I didn't want the relationship but he seems to love me so much and gradually i fell in love with him.<br />The problem as at today:<br />1, i love him but am not sure if i want to spend the rest of my life with him, he is d most beautiful person, and all that but he has a history of philandering in the past, though he says he has been celibate for about 4 years. Our relationship is without sex, although we do engage in oral sex and stuff and unlike the previous guy, he just ok to have a celibate relationship, most times, it is i that push for the physical aspect of our relationship. Also, we don't have the sort of intellectual sparring i enjoy, i am a research analyst and he is an accountant. The truth is i have accepted and later declined his offer of marriage so many times because i discover even when i accept, he later develops cold feet and withdraws. Aside of all this, i will still give him credit for being perhaps the most self-less person i know<br />2, there is this other guy that is all-that but doesn't give me attention, infact i have been waiting for 3 years for him to make the move, but it seems there is always someone else, i went on a field mission last 2 months, in which he visited me and we kissed, but he still does not know if he wants to commit as there is some-else. I have decided to forget about him and concentrate on building my relationship, he may not be all i want but he seems a good man.<br />Yet i have a concern, do i love this guy or am i merely grateful for his love? Or am i emotionally unavailable and also prone to such relationships?<br />P.s don't advice a therapist because such services are not readily available in Africa.<br />All comments/advice are welcome.
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cjh1203 responded:
I wouldn't say you're emotionally unavailable -- the problem is that this man, fond as you may be of him -- isn't the right match for you. You have some legitimate misgivings about your relationship with him, and you need to listen to your gut. If you have to give that much thought as to whether you want to spend the rest of your life with someone, you don't.

I would forget about the other man, too. The best thing would be just to stay man-less for a while and get comfortable with being on your own -- that way you'll be in a much better position to choose someone who will be right for you. When you feel that you have to be with someone all the time, you get into trouble because then you settle for someone who isn't well-suited for you. Just be patient and learn to enjoy being single for a while.
Report This| Share this:Am i emotionally unavaliable?I wouldn't say you're emotionally unavailable -- the problem is that this man, fond as you may be of him -- isn't the right match for you. You have some legitimate misgivings about your relationship with him, and you need to listen to your gut. If you have to give that much thought as to whether you want to spend the rest of your life with someone, you don't.<br /><br />I would forget about the other man, too. The best thing would be just to stay man-less for a while and get comfortable with being on your own -- that way you'll be in a much better position to choose someone who will be right for you. When you feel that you have to be with someone all the time, you get into trouble because then you settle for someone who isn't well-suited for you. Just be patient and learn to enjoy being single for a while.
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Leslie Becker-Phelps, PhD responded:
I think the answers to your questions are in your heart-- you just need to listen. But, what I hear you saying is that the first guy isn't right for you -- so you keep looking. It sounds like you would like a relationship to work with him-- you really like him-- but you can't convince yourself that you love him. Does this sound right?

As for your question of whether you are emotionally available, it sounds like you are not just available, but looking. Based on what you've shared, the problem problem sounds like you are not giving yourself a real chance to find someone who would be a good fit for you because you are staying with someone you don't love. But, if you have other thoughts or feelings that tell you that you might not really be open to an intimate relationship now, then you might want to pay attention to them -- and either share them here, or just sort through them in your own mind.
Report This| Share this:Am i emotionally unavaliable?I think the answers to your questions are in your heart-- you just need to listen. But, what I hear you saying is that the first guy isn't right for you -- so you keep looking. It sounds like you would like a relationship to work with him-- you really like him-- but you can't convince yourself that you love him. Does this sound right?<br /><br />As for your question of whether you are emotionally available, it sounds like you are not just available, but looking. Based on what you've shared, the problem problem sounds like you are not giving yourself a real chance to find someone who would be a good fit for you because you are staying with someone you don't love. But, if you have other thoughts or feelings that tell you that you might not really be open to an intimate relationship now, then you might want to pay attention to them -- and either share them here, or just sort through them in your own mind.
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melaybado replied to Leslie Becker-Phelps, PhD's response:
@ Cjh, I think you are right, i really need to stay man -less, but i have discovered that i seems so scared of staying alone, i lost my dad 3 yrs back and we were so close, b4 his death i had never had a romantic relationship before, but 3 yrs on, this is my 2nd, mayb i will feel like a failure if this ends also. I relly dnt have much strength to go on dates, i really just want a good and happy relationship

@ Leslie, reading your comment was an eye-opener, i am very fond of him and i have come to believe i love him, mayb am wrong. You said the answers are in my heart....having lost both parents within 7 yrs, i always says that my emotions seems to be hiding from me, i work around mainly feeling numb...mayb i have gone into these 2 relationships in an attempt to feel something....anything.

I don't know if what i really want is a relationship, in my mind i only want a good friend which this guy is...

The truth is, i am depressed, i have just landed my dream job and am not looking forward to it, i have also gotten a national research brief and i have no motivation for it. Why i am feeling this way, i don't know....but i know this i want an open. honest relationship that is with someone that can understand me, exciting and fufilling and am ready to commit and be the best of me..

I really need to move out of this fog,.. really do
Report This| Share this:Am i emotionally unavaliable?@ Cjh, I think you are right, i really need to stay man -less, but i have discovered that i seems so scared of staying alone, i lost my dad 3 yrs back and we were so close, b4 his death i had never had a romantic relationship before, but 3 yrs on, this is my 2nd, mayb i will feel like a failure if this ends also. I relly dnt have much strength to go on dates, i really just want a good and happy relationship<br /> <br />@ Leslie, reading your comment was an eye-opener, i am very fond of him and i have come to believe i love him, mayb am wrong. You said the answers are in my heart....having lost both parents within 7 yrs, i always says that my emotions seems to be hiding from me, i work around mainly feeling numb...mayb i have gone into these 2 relationships in an attempt to feel something....anything.<br /> <br />I don't know if what i really want is a relationship, in my mind i only want a good friend which this guy is... <br /> <br />The truth is, i am depressed, i have just landed my dream job and am not looking forward to it, i have also gotten a national research brief and i have no motivation for it. Why i am feeling this way, i don't know....but i know this i want an open. honest relationship that is with someone that can understand me, exciting and fufilling and am ready to commit and be the best of me..<br /> <br />I really need to move out of this fog,.. really do
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cjh1203 replied to melaybado's response:
I apologize if this ends up posting twice.

The best reason for spending some time without a man is so you won't feel scared of being alone. It gives you so much more power over your own life when you don't feel that you have to have a man in your life all the time. When you feel that you need a man -- any man -- you end up with ones that don't make you happy. If you can learn to spend some time on your own, you'll be so much smarter when it comes to choosing men, because you won't feel desperate.

The end of a relationship isn't failure. Most people go through a lot of relationships that don't work out before finding one that does. It's all part of the process of weeding out the ones who aren't a good match for you. To stay in a relationship just for the sake of it is self-destructive.

Your depression very well may come from having lost both your parents in a relatively short time and at a young age. I was in my 40s when I lost my dad and, even then, I was just devastated and felt like a lost little soul. You're only 25 and don't have either of your parents -- that's a huge thing that is bound to have an effect on you.

It sounds like counseling could really benefit you since you're feeling depressed, and medication might help you for a while, too. You probably haven't really been able to come to terms with the deaths of your parents, and it could be a real help to you to talk about it with someone who deals with depression and grief, and who can help coax out feelings that you may not even realize you have.

You said that in your mind, all you want in a relationship is a good friend. That is a very important part of a relationship, but not enough to sustain one long-term. You can be good friends with a lot of people but, for most of us, a long-term relationship has to have a lot of other elements that we don't get from people who are just friends, including romantic love, sex and and intimacy that you don't get in "friend" relationships. You might think now that friendship is enough, but it won't be. You would end up wanting more -- rightfully so -- an being miserable because it wasn't there.
Report This| Share this:Am i emotionally unavaliable?I apologize if this ends up posting twice.<br /><br />The best reason for spending some time without a man is so you won't feel scared of being alone. It gives you so much more power over your own life when you don't feel that you have to have a man in your life all the time. When you feel that you need a man -- any man -- you end up with ones that don't make you happy. If you can learn to spend some time on your own, you'll be so much smarter when it comes to choosing men, because you won't feel desperate.<br /> <br /> The end of a relationship isn't failure. Most people go through a lot of relationships that don't work out before finding one that does. It's all part of the process of weeding out the ones who aren't a good match for you. To stay in a relationship just for the sake of it is self-destructive. <br /> <br /> Your depression very well may come from having lost both your parents in a relatively short time and at a young age. I was in my 40s when I lost my dad and, even then, I was just devastated and felt like a lost little soul. You're only 25 and don't have either of your parents -- that's a huge thing that is bound to have an effect on you.<br /> <br /> It sounds like counseling could really benefit you since you're feeling depressed, and medication might help you for a while, too. You probably haven't really been able to come to terms with the deaths of your parents, and it could be a real help to you to talk about it with someone who deals with depression and grief, and who can help coax out feelings that you may not even realize you have.<br /><br />You said that in your mind, all you want in a relationship is a good friend. That is a very important part of a relationship, but not enough to sustain one long-term. You can be good friends with a lot of people but, for most of us, a long-term relationship has to have a lot of other elements that we don't get from people who are just friends, including romantic love, sex and and intimacy that you don't get in "friend" relationships. You might think now that friendship is enough, but it won't be. You would end up wanting more -- rightfully so -- an being miserable because it wasn't there.
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Leslie Becker-Phelps, PhD replied to melaybado's response:
melaybado, I can understand how you might feel that your emotions are hiding from you, but it is more likely that you are hiding from -- or avoiding or numbing yourself to -- them. And, when you are out of touch with major parts of yourself and your experience, there is no way you can really connect with, or be genuinely in touch with, others. So, I suggest that you work on healing from your depression before working on a relationship.

Although you say you are disconnected from your emotions, you clearly are in touch with a sense of depression. That is as good a place as any to start with reconnecting with yourself; taking in and accepting your experiences (that is, your sadness and any other experiences you have along with it). By doing this, you can begin to accept those experiences and your sense of you -- and then open up to more positive experiences, as well. If the depression is so heavy that it prevents you from being able to move through it, you might need the support and help of a therapist.
Report This| Share this:Am i emotionally unavaliable?melaybado, I can understand how you might feel that your emotions are hiding from you, but it is more likely that you are hiding from -- or avoiding or numbing yourself to -- them. And, when you are out of touch with major parts of yourself and your experience, there is no way you can really connect with, or be genuinely in touch with, others. So, I suggest that you work on healing from your depression before working on a relationship. <br /><br />Although you say you are disconnected from your emotions, you clearly are in touch with a sense of depression. That is as good a place as any to start with reconnecting with yourself; taking in and accepting your experiences (that is, your sadness and any other experiences you have along with it). By doing this, you can begin to accept those experiences and your sense of you -- and then open up to more positive experiences, as well. If the depression is so heavy that it prevents you from being able to move through it, you might need the support and help of a therapist.
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Melaye replied to Leslie Becker-Phelps, PhD's response:
Hello Leslie, I am posting with another username, as i cant seem to access my previous account. Hmmm, a year later i will say you were very right! We eventually broke up and it took all of my will power for it not to be messy. The last bit was about 3 months ago, in the process of trying again after a 6 months separation. What ended it? We had sex and i felt so dirty and used. Not just because it was against my personal belief, he became distant and emotionally i will say it was over. Probably, it was over before then, the act only brought the reality home.

In the months of our 6 months separation, i became close to a friend, a former co-worker and i can say we have developed very deep emotions for each other. But, i find myself being so careful, concerned that he may no longer want me if he found out i was no longer a virgin, although he told me during a certain discussion that even if i have been raped, he still loves me.

Based on my former experience, i am not too desperate to start a new relationship, but given the depth of emotions we seem to share, he has not formally asked me out. He talks about it but not directly, my analytical mind would be suspicious.

Moreover, he lives in another town and will be leaving the country shortly as i am, should i continue with this "almost-relationship" or not? We call each other daily and stay in touch throughout the day but i cant define the relationship. When i asked him about it status, he told me that i had informed him that i can only offer friendship ( this was during the break up of the last relationship).

I just don't want my emotions to be taken for a ride, i enjoy his friendship and if that is all there is to it fine. But the truth is, we act as if we are dating, keeping in touch, calling, when he is in town makes sure he spends quality time with me, but after i told him i only wanted friendship months back, he has made no further attempt. Also, he had( maybe still) has a crush on a girl years back which i am aware of, i know he is moving to the same country as her and i am concerned, i asked about her and he says " he likes her and she is aware", when i asked what is he doing with me, he says " it is not as straight forward as that" as i accused him of playing with my emotions. Please i need your advise, i dont want to go back on the path i just came from.
Report This| Share this:Am i emotionally unavaliable?Hello Leslie, I am posting with another username, as i cant seem to access my previous account. Hmmm, a year later i will say you were very right! We eventually broke up and it took all of my will power for it not to be messy. The last bit was about 3 months ago, in the process of trying again after a 6 months separation. What ended it? We had sex and i felt so dirty and used. Not just because it was against my personal belief, he became distant and emotionally i will say it was over. Probably, it was over before then, the act only brought the reality home.<br /><br />In the months of our 6 months separation, i became close to a friend, a former co-worker and i can say we have developed very deep emotions for each other. But, i find myself being so careful, concerned that he may no longer want me if he found out i was no longer a virgin, although he told me during a certain discussion that even if i have been raped, he still loves me.<br /><br />Based on my former experience, i am not too desperate to start a new relationship, but given the depth of emotions we seem to share, he has not formally asked me out. He talks about it but not directly, my analytical mind would be suspicious.<br /><br /> Moreover, he lives in another town and will be leaving the country shortly as i am, should i continue with this "almost-relationship" or not? We call each other daily and stay in touch throughout the day but i cant define the relationship. When i asked him about it status, he told me that i had informed him that i can only offer friendship ( this was during the break up of the last relationship).<br /><br /> I just don't want my emotions to be taken for a ride, i enjoy his friendship and if that is all there is to it fine. But the truth is, we act as if we are dating, keeping in touch, calling, when he is in town makes sure he spends quality time with me, but after i told him i only wanted friendship months back, he has made no further attempt. Also, he had( maybe still) has a crush on a girl years back which i am aware of, i know he is moving to the same country as her and i am concerned, i asked about her and he says " he likes her and she is aware", when i asked what is he doing with me, he says " it is not as straight forward as that" as i accused him of playing with my emotions. Please i need your advise, i dont want to go back on the path i just came from.
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Leslie Becker-Phelps, PhD replied to Melaye's response:
Melaye,

I wish I had a sure-fire, no-way-to-get-hurt way to handle this, but I don't think that exists. If you think that there is no way for the relationship to continue much longer because you will be moving, then you need to think about whether you are open to getting more involved; or if this will lead to more hurt than you feel you can handle now (whether it goes well or not, you will probably feel some hurt).

But, if you are open to having a relationship now, then you might want to talk to him about your concerns. See whether he responds in a caring way. Move as slowly as you need to move, building trust as you go (or finding that he is not someone you think you can trust). If you have another friend who you feel you can confide in, it might be helpful to get that person's thoughts. In the end, choosing to enter a relationship would be (and will always be) a gamble -you can never know the outcome, though you can reduce the risk by thinking your way through. If you think that this relationship would be a wise one to enter (could reasonably offer you a deep happiness), but your fears seem to be unreasonably holding you back, then- again- I suggest that you talk them through with him. But whatever you do, always respect your feelings.
Report This| Share this:Am i emotionally unavaliable?Melaye, <br /><br />I wish I had a sure-fire, no-way-to-get-hurt way to handle this, but I don't think that exists. If you think that there is no way for the relationship to continue much longer because you will be moving, then you need to think about whether you are open to getting more involved; or if this will lead to more hurt than you feel you can handle now (whether it goes well or not, you will probably feel some hurt). <br /><br />But, if you are open to having a relationship now, then you might want to talk to him about your concerns. See whether he responds in a caring way. Move as slowly as you need to move, building trust as you go (or finding that he is not someone you think you can trust). If you have another friend who you feel you can confide in, it might be helpful to get that person's thoughts. In the end, choosing to enter a relationship would be (and will always be) a gamble -you can never know the outcome, though you can reduce the risk by thinking your way through. If you think that this relationship would be a wise one to enter (could reasonably offer you a deep happiness), but your fears seem to be unreasonably holding you back, then- again- I suggest that you talk them through with him. But whatever you do, always respect your feelings.
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