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To Stay or Go?
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work5 posted:
My situation is so hard. I have many friends that have told me that i am strong and they do not know how I do it. Here is my situation. I have been with a man for over 4 years. He is loving,respectful,caring,funny,giving,faithful,romantic,very smart,exciting. He is all that I have ever wanted in a man. We get along so well that it is unreal. We have never had a fight ever! Here is the situation that is in our life. He is divored and has been for 11 years. He has known the ex since he was 16. He is now 49 and she is 47. She has not family and is medically ill. She has Schizophrenia and has had it for 10 yrs. With no family and on alot of medications for her condition. He has her living in his home. (his name only) She is afraid that is another woman comes into the house that he will stop taking care of her, financially,. She has many differnt side effects for her condition. I am not allowed to his house due to this. I know that he is faithful etc. He treats me like every woman should be treated. I am with him 5 nights out of 7. And not to mention from Friday nite till late sunday nite. She has never called him needing him to come home ever!! Sometimes it hurts when he leaves me on sunday nites. I am not really worried about marrying this man. He has told me several times that "Yes I am the one" he wants for the rest of his life. He wants to live life with me. But since she has no where to go at all. He has to be there for what he does. I do not know of a person who is so caring to take care of a ex like he has. Sometimes I tell him that he is a prisoner in his own home. He does agress, but what can he do?
Anyone have any advice? I know I can either accept the situation or get out!!! I love this man more that I thought I ever could!
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3point14 responded:
Did you know about this situation before you fell in love?

Would he be willing to have her committed? Is she medicated? There's absolutely no reason you can't sit her down and explain to her that your role in his life does not negate hers. Schizophrenia is a helluva disease, but it doesn't rob the person of their mind if they are properly medicated and ideally in therapy. She's not an invalid, and while it might be an adjustment, if the situation really is as you're being told it is, there's no reason the three of you can't come to a solution.
 
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tmlmtlrl replied to 3point14's response:
I agree.

Why do you not go and spend time with her around? Does she not even know he's with you? If things are the way that he says then it seems like the answer would be for you to embrace his reality. Like go there and spend time with her and him. Let her know that she can still feel safe.

You seem to be alright with the situation and love him more because of it. If you want to have a life with him and this is the deal then yeah, you either embrace it or walk away.

How is the set up in his house? Is it just like roommates where they both have their own space?

The issue seems to be her need for comfort and security. Do you agree with what he's doing or are you looking for a way around what's happening?

Does she have any other underlying issues such as alcoholism? Are you afraid of her? Has she been violent with him at all?

I guess I'm trying to get more of a feel for the situation and what you are wanting out of it.
 
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tmlmtlrl replied to tmlmtlrl's response:
I just re-read your post and I'm wondering how he suggests that you go from not being allowed in his house to being married?

I'm still curious about my other questions too...
 
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work5 replied to 3point14's response:
Thanks for replying to me. I have gone to support groups for this mental condition. If I go to the house she has a fear that I will take him away from her and then she will have no one to care for her at all. And that he will want her out of the house so that I maybe move in. And then where will she go? I have wanted to meet with her since we have been together and it is out of the question. I once ran into her at a grocery store. I watched her( I did not stock her) I just watched her grocery shop. Weird she bought 4 bags of white powered sugar. Then I was on the phone with him at the same time. She walked right by me, and sort of looked like a scared cat. She sometimes fears other people. Like I said she has never called him and asked him to come home, Thanks and hope to hear from you.
 
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work5 replied to tmlmtlrl's response:
Thanks for replying to me. I have been trying for 4 yrs to go to the house and meet her.I once ran into her at a grocery store. I watched her( not stocked her) She bought 4 bags of white sugar. He had no idea why. At times she can drive a car. I have wanted to meet her, but he says that she has a fear that someone will come along and take her out of that house. It is her safe place. She does like to be alone and have never never called him and asked him to come home.I see him 5 nites out of 7. With having no family to turn to and he is so caring that he can not place her in a home. If said that in time she might be worse and when that does happen he will have to take matters into his own hands. .I guess everyone needs to be loved. It is just sometimes so hard to take knowing that at this point I can not live with him. He has told me that I am the love in his life. Yes they do have seperate rooms. Thanks for replying and would like to hear from you again.
 
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work5 replied to 3point14's response:
Forgot to mention yes I was informed about her the night that we met. It was hard I guess you could say. And not to mention I never thought I would see him again at all. Never found him to lie to me in 4 yrs also. Thanks
 
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tmlmtlrl replied to work5's response:
So he's enabling her, feeding her fears, and waiting for her to be crazy enough to lock up. Sorry, that is the dry rude way to put it, but not that far off base from what you've said.

He has to chose if he wants to be able to live his life and help her with her's or if he's going to put his life aside and try to live around hers.

It's fine that she has fears. People have fears, that's normal, but when he keeps her from having to face her fears he is essentially hurting her, him, and you. IMO.

I think that actually now it's even a bigger problem because for him to introduce you to her he will have to also let her know that he's been lying to her for 4 yrs. I imagine that would set off some insecurities in her.

So recently we were talking about some Dr. Phil quotes on here and one of them being "You teach people how to treat you" and it is soo true. I understand how you got into this situation. I'm sure it made sense at one point. But now you're talking about spending your lives together and how he handled things before just isn't going to work anymore.

I would think that you guys should get a counselor involved to help you all help her. It is possible. A counselor could help for you to be introduced in a safe enviroment and help her understand what's happening. If it works then that would be great, but if she does flip out then either she needs to be locked up or he will chose to keep this situation going that he has with her.

I know what it's like to be around a schizophrenic person. I want you to know that because I also know what that entails in the big picture. He's letting her keep him prisoner though. I understand why and what he's doing but there needs to be more balance. I'm sure none of this started out this way, but if he does nothing it will only get worse.
 
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naggingwife74 replied to work5's response:
Don't get angry with my questions or with the first thing that popped into my head, I am just playing devils advocate here......

Have you ever met her? Is he the only one telling you these things about her and how she will react to you? I read your post twice and it just screams; married man with a serious affair on the side. Lots of men have 2 families, having two women that he treats like a wife would not be that unusual. He could be telling his wife that he works out of town and that is why he's with you so much. Then telling you this story about her to keep you away from his house while also kind of letting you know that a woman lives there with him.

I don't know, it just sounds fishy to me, especially if you have never met her face to face. If she is on medication, she would be able to have a conversation with you. I like the previous suggestion of going there and talking with all 3 of you.

Good luck, I hope my hunch is completely wrong!
 
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GuardSquealer replied to naggingwife74's response:
I agree with nagging. Seems a like an easy way to justify why he lives with another woman. Has he offered any proof to back up his story? Talked to any of his friends that have supported it? Other family members? Anyone?
 
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fcl replied to GuardSquealer's response:
There's something not quite right here. The time line seems a bit strange among other things. Why wouild he divorce her to take her back only a year later. They were divorced when her schizophrenia came to light. Why did they get divorced? Why did he take her back despite being divorced.


IF he can leave her alone for 5 days a week, why can't he leave her alone entirely. If she can manage for 5 days why not 7? They are supposed to be divorced for goodness sake.


Is she taking her meds regularly? What kind of therapy is she getting? What kind of steps are being taken to help her deal with her illness.


BTW, I wouldn't read too much into the purchase of 4 bags of sugar at the same time There are sooo many possibilities ranging from making jam or chutney or cordial, through buying it for someone else who couldn't get out to using it to "starch" crocheted baskets, etc.

I'm afraid that my vote goes with Nagging's and Guard's. I wonder whether he isn't just living a double life ...
There's nothing inherently dirty about sex, but if you try real hard and use your imagination you can overcome that.
 
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work5 replied to naggingwife74's response:
Thanks for replying. And never angry with advice. I have seen her 2 times. I have seen the divorce papers and the deed to the house that is in his name only. I have met friends that knew him way before ever knew him. She knows that on the weekends he goes to his house boat that he has owned for years. She is afraid that is another woman is in the picture that he would not take care of her financially. Like before there is no family to take care of her. I am at times at the end of my rope with the wondering game. If i did not love him with all my heart. I am under alot of stress right now with other things in my life and sort of need him at this point for support. He is always supportive and tried to help me see the positive in things. He has told me that he does not me in his life forever. For now I know I need him. I wish it was not this way and soon I will ask alot more and maybe start to pull away. Thanks and always stay in touch please!
 
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work5 replied to fcl's response:
Thanks for your comments. They were divorced and 2 months later her father died and then her mom. It triggered her illness and had no where to go. No other family members. They were divorced before the death of her parents. He was very busy with his career and not always available to see it coming. At the beginning she would give things away and sometimes vanish for hours until she was found. After many test and medications, which are changed ofter. I know I wish she were not ill and have seen her. the first time it a store and he was with her. She walked right by me like a scared cat. She had very short eye contact. I am always wondering if she will just go away! She does have a counselor that comes to the home, but that is about it. I am not trying to be mean, but i love him and love how he is with me. Right now I am going thru alot of stuff in my life that does not have alot to do with him and he is supportive and caring. Like I said I am treated with love, respect and treated like all women should be. Maybe in time I will get more questions answered. At times I feel myself pull away from him and he feels it right away.
 
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work5 replied to GuardSquealer's response:
Thanks you for replying. Yes I have met friends of his that know her and of her condition. He feels like he is obligated to take care of her due to no other family members to help at all! So far I have not found him to ever ever lie to me.
 
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Anon_121810 replied to fcl's response:
I really don't know anything about this disease, but is it really possible to "get" it that late in life? What causes it?...seems weird to me that she all of a sudden has that after they get divorced and needs him to take care of her??


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