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End of posting for Difficult Daughter-In-Law
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sunflower1943 posted:
Just wanted to say I am ending my posting on the above subject. I do not feel most of the responses have helped and they truly do not understand the situation. I appreciate their trying to help but I am not the bad guy all the time.

I am disappointed in many of you but am glad Dr. Farrell answered my post on the anxiety board.

She looks at things the right way in my opinion. Sorry to say this but am ending this post and won't post anymore about this issue.

None of you understand the situation so it was not in my best interest to post and sorry I did.
Reply
 
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fcl responded:
I'm sorry you feel that we haven't helped. I doubt that anyone thought you were the bad guy and I'm sorry youi felt defensive about that. Our intention (from what I've read in the other posts) was more to help you mend the situation (if possible) rather than get your DIL to behave the way you wanted to. Unfortunately, the only person you can change is you ... nobody else.

I wish you peace ...
There's nothing inherently dirty about sex, but if you try real hard and use your imagination you can overcome that.
 
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Anon_38947 responded:
You were offered a lot of advice. You just chose not to accept any of it because YOU have never done anything wrong; its the DIL from "hell" that is always causing trouble. I think it's very obvious who the trouble maker is.
 
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cjh1203 replied to Anon_38947's response:
I don't think that's a fair assumption at all.
 
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Anon_38947 replied to cjh1203's response:
"I would like to tell her to jump in the lake - or something"

" love my grandson but I cannot stand his mother - she is a "psycho" for sure"

"She starts it - not me - she always does" etc. etc...

There is no need for assumptions here.
 
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cjh1203 replied to Anon_38947's response:
If you read all of my replies to her, you saw that I felt she was also somewhat responsible for the problems between them. That doesn't mean that her daughter-in-law isn't a very difficult person, or that the OP is causing all the trouble. She said that others have also said how difficult the daughter-in-law is. From what we know, it's not fair to jump to the conclusion that either of them is entirely at fault.
 
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Anon_38947 replied to cjh1203's response:
I agree with you!

But she has been nothing but defensive the whole time and then she posts and says,

" I do not feel most of the responses have helped and they truly do not understand the situation."

" I am disappointed in many of you"

"None of you understand the situation"

What i get from all of that is she came here and expected everyone to say, "you definately have the most horrible DIL and we feel so sorry for you and you should do everything in your power to make her life miserable."

She obviously doesnt want a relationship with her DIL, she just wants her Son and Grandson. But that's not how it works.

Sorry if i come accross as jumping you CJH, thats not what im trying to do. It just irritates me when people post "for advice" but dont want to take any of it and use it.
 
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cjh1203 replied to Anon_38947's response:
I agree with everything you've said, except that the OP was the one causing all the trouble. I'm sure there's some blame on both sides, but there's no way to know if one or the other of them is more at fault.

I also get frustrated when people ask for help or advice, but are apparently only looking for validation that they're right and the other person is wrong. The OP absolutely did not want to consider that she might play any part at all in the bad relationship with her daughter-in-law, so it's hard to see that situation ever improving.
 
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aprilina619 responded:
Your daughter in law, needs to be slapped fo real... I don't think that you're a trouble maker by any means, but WHAT I DO KNOW being a daughter in law myself, is that i would never show the disrespect and disregard to my mother in law that your daughter in law has shown to you, Although your son is married to this woman and has to sleep with her at night he still has every right and obligation to go to bat for His own MOTHERRRRR when need be, I mean after all you were for a very long time the "lady" in his life and your daughter in law needs to understand that. i Truly think that anyone who has replied to this message has no compassion or understanding of what a mother means to a son... i have a son who btw is my one and only, and if his wife were to ever be so disrespectful i know that he would stand up for me without a second thought... It is not your place to correct her for her actions, especially because u have such ties and attachments to your grandson but trust your son has every say as to how he wants his mother to be treated by his wife and SHOULD STICK UP FOR YOU i hope he does and i hope that this daughter in law from hell goes back to where she belongs best wishes
 
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Anon_4858 responded:
I went back and re-read both threads that you started about your daughter in law.

Both times when advise was given about looking to see if maybe you both have some fault in these situations, you said that it was obvious we got the wrong impression because there was in no way that you are wrong, that she "always starts it".

But, in the situations that escalated, if you look from the outside (as we are), you can see fault from both sides. I know you feel hurt by how she is reacting, but there is a good chance that your DIL is hurt as well for how YOU are reacting.

The situation about the coat during easter, for instance. You see it as just letting your DIL that everything would be fine if he just had a bigger coat, and that her worries were unjustified. From her standpoint, you were ignoring how she felt about what should be done about her son, and were taking charge of the situation. I know YOU didnt mean it that way, but that may be how SHE took it.

When you let yourself into her house. You see it as you knew they were there and she was going to let you in anyway. How she may see it as that you let yourself in without her giving permission, and it is her house, and you were undermining her authority to say its ok to be in the house.

Most arguments have 2 sides. Putting your head in the sand and saying that its always her fault, she always starts it, etc will not help the situation. Maybe that is why your son isnt being as adamant about this, because he can see it from both sides.
 
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stephs_3_kidz responded:
I know this is an older thread and you might not check back, sunflower, but I think this is an emotional topic that really hits home for a lot of people.

Many of us have been mistreated by our MILs. Some have had excellent relationships with theirs. I'm not one of those. My MIL has been a thorn in the side of our marriage since just about day 1. I love her but she had no boundaries. Even when they were set she didn't recognize or respect them. It made me resent her for a long time. Now she's in a nursing home and I visit her regularly and take her things she needs.

The family I grew up in was huge. My mamaw had 14 kids. We never knocked or waited for an answer before going in each other's houses. To me, as an adult, that's unacceptable, and an invasion of privacy.

I had someone walk in on me and my 3-month-old daughter in the bathtub (after she'd spit up all over the both of us) once at our first home, and I FLIPPED OUT. I didn't hear them coming, and when they caught us naked they still stood there and kept talking like nothing happened. I yanked the shower curtain shut and threw a towel over myself. I look back now and giggle at that but oh boy at the time was I ever fuming!

Some people have a very strong sense of needing their privacy and feeling like they have a life separate from parents, in-laws, etc. I am one of those people. I think your DIL may have overreacted a little *that particular time* but if you make it a habit--it might be the one time that sent her over the edge, kwim?

Don't show up uninvited. Give them their space. Living close to in-laws (or other family) often creates lots of conflict. Trust me. And that might be part of the issue.


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