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Are You Living Together?
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Chris_WebMD_Staff posted:

Should couples live together before they marry?

Are there benefits to that or do you think you think it could work against a marriage?
Chrissy~

Life is too short, so kiss slowly, laugh insanely, love truly and forgive quickly.
Author Unknown
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gd9900 responded:
I am a firm believer a couple can benefit greatly by living together before marriage. However, I don't think its a smart thing to do with a relationship that hasn't developed out of the "oh my god I can't get enough of you" stage. lol!

Once you get beyond that stage, you start noticing things you really like, and things that annoy you. Each person opens up more about it because they are entering the comfortable stage. At this point, its seems it would be better to live separately so each person has time & space to reflect without the influence of the other. But at some point if the relationship is moving in the direction of marriage I think it makes perfect sense to live together.

I think these steps can help a couple on the path to realizing they are on the right track together or not. I've started thinking it might also be beneficial to live separately (if possible) for a few month before getting married - if of course you are living together. And I don't think couples counselling would hurt either...I think these things could help ensure a solid foundation for enduring a good marriage.
 
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stephs_3_kidz responded:
I think I agree with the PP. For religious reasons, I am hesitant to say it's the *best* idea..but I can attest to the fact that when DH and I got married it was a HUGE adjustment to learn to live with someone else. Huge. We fought a LOT. I think if we had lived together previously it would've sort of gotten all that bad stuff out of the way. I dunno.

At the same time, I considered the living together to be a benefit of our marriage, just one more positive. I loved going to sleep and waking up beside him. I didn't even mind doing his laundry and cooking together--we did everything as a team. (We still do, just on a different level since we now have 4 children and I am a sahm)

I think in some cases living together might actually give some couples the opportunity to see *if* they really want a long-term marriage with their intended.

Maybe the divorce rate in America would be lower if people did live together first (my religious conscience is beating me up, LOL)....because I think that actually living together reveals things that you might not see just spending a couple nights a week together. Which I see that as a positive, too, either way you look at it. It will either confirm that YES, I do want to spend my life with this person, or--OMG...I'm glad I found this out now..
 
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bluewater123456789 replied to stephs_3_kidz's response:
I WILL STEPHS_3_KIDZ COUPLES SHOULD LIVE TOEGTHER THEY WILL AGREE ON EVERYTHING AND HAVE A BETTER REALTIONSHIPS AND BE OPEN AND HONSET BECAUSE I'AM LIVING WITH MY BOYFRIEND WE GET ALONG WONDERFULLY WE HAVE DISAGREEMENT BUT WE TALK ABOUT OUR PROBLEMS WE WORK IT OUT WE HAVE A VERY OPEN COMMUNION VERY UNDERSTANDING REALTIONSHIP AND I'AM VERY HAPPY WITH EVERYTHING THAT'S GOOD ON MY PART BUT I WILL GET MARRIED WITHTIN TWO YRS AND MY KIDS LIKE HIM VERY MUCH I'VE BEEN MARRIED BEFORE AND NOW I KNOW WHAT I'AM DOING BEFORE I GET MARRIED
 
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bluewater123456789 replied to stephs_3_kidz's response:
I MEANT TO SAY I AGREE WITH STEPHS_3_KIDZ ABOUT LIVING TOGETHER THAT'S WHAT I MEANT TO SAY THE FRIST TIME I MADE A MISTAKE
 
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cto312 responded:
Yes. Yes. Yes.
I couldn't imagine living with someone before knowing what I was getting into. I can respect religious reason or whatever... but people should at least spend the night over a bit to get a feel for each others habits.
I've talked to people that find stuff out like; gaming hobbies or masturbation habits... or that their significant other is a slob or eats their boogers and wonder... how did you not know this before you got married?
 
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Jeremy3456 responded:
I agree with the other posters here - you learn about each other when you live together. I think it would be almost foolish to not live together prior to marriage just to see how it works.

On the other hand . . . . people never used to live together (pre-1965) and marriages were solid and lasted longer. I wonder if living together takes the "oomph" out of the anticipation and commitment of marriage. It might be too comfortable to be able to break up at any time without getting a divorce. Like having your cake and eating it too.

People say living together is just a new type of partnership now. But marriage is one of the oldest, stable forms of human behavior. I don't think so many people living together unmarried in our modern society (or living separately unmarried for that matter) is some kind of better way that we've found - I think it's a symbol of something wrong with our society. Maybe living together is simply a new comfort point in between singlehood and true marriage.
 
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FCL replied to Jeremy3456's response:
If marriages lasted longer in the past it had more to do with the stigma attached to divorce than to the fact that people didn't live together first. Divorced women were shunned by society and viewed with suspicion until fairly recently.

Living together is not a new thing. It used to be obligatory in some of the islands of Scotland. A couple who wanted to get married had to live together for a year before marriage. If they both still wanted to marry then they could. If not, no losses.

The big advantage that I can see in living together is that you get to really find out what your partner is like, warts and all, and whether you really ARE compatible. If things don't turn out well then at least you'll have avoided the expense of the wedding plus the cost of the divorce and you won't have become just another statistic ...
There's nothing inherently dirty about sex, but if you try real hard and use your imagination you can overcome that.
 
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stephs_3_kidz replied to cto312's response:
or that their significant other is a slob or eats their boogers and wonder... how did you not know this before you got married? LOL!
 
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Jeremy3456 replied to FCL's response:
It used to be more difficult to get a divorce - you had to go to court to prove wrong-doing. I'm old enough to remember a soap opera called "Divorce Court" that went into the nitty gritty drama behind divorces of the time.

I think the "no-fault" divorce laws are a true mistake. A marriage is a legal contract. Maybe it's no coincidence that the no-fault laws and the endless divorces that resulted were followed by a lot more corporate crime, business scams, liar loans, phony bankruptcies, defaults, identity theft, etc. a few years later. I'm not blaming divorces solely for that, but it's like we've entered an age of phoniness and lies in all our social contracts, written and unwritten.

When I got divorced I was amazed at how easy it was. Too damn easy. It was like I was the only one who cared about marriage. I think there should be some kind of hurdle to go through to get a divorce---mandatory counseling, separation period, outside expert evaluation of the marriage, or something. I see how the easy divorce process can give a divorced person a feeling of getting away with something. It's like why should any other contracts matter, either.

Interesting about Scotland. I blame organized religion for helping to forbid living together without being married. But I must say that one thing some churches do now is have 'couples classes' before marriage and they include some well-validated psychological assessments of compatibility.

I think divorced women still are viewed with suspicion. Men too, perhaps more so, although being a man I wouldn't know. Something went wrong. It's human nature to be wary of that. The cavalier attitude with which some people get divorced and "move on" makes me wonder if they were ever emotionally married in the first place, and if they're even capable of a deep relationship. They tell others to "move on" too, like it's nothing, and don't appear to appreciate the very real emotional damage and devastation that a divorce can bring. There's a social, personal and health cost to divorce. It should be treated more seriously by the legal system.


Based on a casual piece of advice from my divorce lawyer, I check "single" instead of "divorced" on most forms asking for demographic information. But I still feel like a liar doing it. I would always consider having been married as a mandatory disclosure item in any relationship, and I have.
 
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An_240741 responded:
I never thought of myself living with a guy before marriage but a few months ago moved in with my partner of 18 months. I think besides religious beliefs or traditional beliefs, its fairly normal for couples to live together before marriage. some not even marrying ever.
 
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bluewater123456789 replied to An_240741's response:
HELLO AN 240741 I NEVER THOUGHT I WOULD BE MOVING IN MY PARTNER EITHER BECAUSE THE WAY WAY I WAS RAISE BEFORE MARRIAGE BUT I DID IT ANYWAY IT'S A GOOD THING NOW I'AM GLAD THAT I MOVE IN WITH HIM BECAUSE I WAS MARRIED BEFORE FOR TEN YEARS AND TWO KIDS I JUST RUSH IN AFTER ONE YEAR OF DATING NOW I KNOW WHAT I'AM DOING NOW I KNOW MORE NOW SECOND TIME AROUND IN TWO YEARS WE WILL GET MARRIED AND STAY MARRIED UNTIL DEATH DO US APART THROUGH THICK AND THIN EVERYBODY DESRVERD TO BE HAPPY VERY HAPPY LOL


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