Yesterday was not an easy day for me. Some of you know I've been struggling to find resolution with my husband regarding the direction our life together is to take. I've asked for his honesty, and finally...yesterday I got it. I am so proud of him for sharing with me that he doesn't want to be married. It is a sad and painful next step for us. The pressure of marriage has become too much for him. I understand why. Its an area in his life he's had to painstakingly consider letting go of. He needs to take a walk in life on his own and learn how to take care of himself. He simply doesn't know how to put himself first. He doesn't know how to communicate his needs/wants effectively with anyone...not just me. This is not his fault...its something he learned as a young boy - it carried over in his adult life and has become too much for him to bear in our relationship. For years, I didn't understand this was going on. Oddly enough, I didn't know he needed help yet somehow I have helped him.
" I guess I have some weird expectation that people are going be accountable for the things they say or agree to do. When they aren't, there's a "lie" in there somewhere. I've recently expressed the idea of the "lies" his words and actions present with me. He acknowledged his words/actions aren't in sync but admitted the thought hadn't crossed his mind that he was lying tohimself and coming across as lying to someone else."
That passage, I have said before, is the essence of where he is at now. He realizes the lack of honesty he has with himself isn't fair to himself or anyone else...and that it is not his fault. He is worried he won't be able to fix this. Relieving the pressure he has felt in our marriage is a good first step I think. I asked him if he is considering counselling. I've suggested it in the past, and he has used time and money as an excuse. I think what it boils down to is him finding someone he can trust. I hope he works toward that...
I was pretty proud of myself with our heart to heart yesterday. I managed to hold back my emotions, and gave him my honesty as well. We had a good discussion...this isn't where either one of us wanted to end up. This is where we are regardless.
Hi gd9900, I'm very sorry this is what has to happen. I am very happy he finally came to terms with this and made this step forward -- I think you both really needed to be moving forward with your lives.
So this post is all about him.... what about you?? Have you let yourself cry? Are you doing alright? Is there someone around you that's been able to offer you comfort at this time? You don't have to 'be strong' for him anymore. Now you HAVE to think about you. I don't know if you've thought about YOU in a long time. Has it even sunk in yet?
(( HUGS )) I hope you're alright. You know it'll get better but for now I'm sure it's painful.
Thanks tml...honestly, I've done enough crying for a lifetime over all of this in the past two plus years. I did cry some yesterday...but not so much as I had expected I would. I'm doing ok - I'm sad over this, but I will be ok. This much I know. I have friends/family who are supportive. I've reached out to two good friends who I know will help in any way they can. I have other friends/family, and in time I will reach out to them as well. For now, I come to the boards to get things out. I find it theraputic to talk anonymously and receive the support and caring as well as all the outside perspectives all of you great ppl have to offer. I need time to sort through all of this. It has sunk in...I think I've subconsciously known for some time now this is where we would end up. Believe me, his honesty goes a long way with me. It will help with my healing process. The pain of not knowing was eating me up inside. The pain will still be there, but it is a different kind of pain now.
I'm sorry for this time of unavoidable sorrow in your life, gd9900. Although we don't think of this happening when we take our wedding vows, these things nevertheless end up being part of life for many people.
If you're like me, you'll probably enter a time of reflection and rumination for quite some time, and possibly have some depression. But you may also, in some ways, feel surprisingly liberated. You can do what you want on weekends; you can no longer have to worry about the relationship; you can plan for vacations without the hassle and uncertainty of involving him. Others tell you that you can "move on" but you probably need some reflection and self-time before you can really do that.
I had a clean break with my ex: no more contact (except for returning some files); no extended family involvement. I don't even know where she lives anymore. I suspect it won't be that way with you (you have some grown children together as I recall). Like it or not, he is the father of your children and always will be, and you'll probably see him at times like Christmas.
I admire your continued empathy and compassion for him. A bad childhood upbringing can leave a lifetime of psychological misery. He might find things he needs in another woman eventually. But for the sake of both of you, it will be best if you let the relationship go now.
When it does come time for you to move on, or when the opportunity presents itself, you can make new choices. You can be yourself in a different way perhaps, and have your best traits reciprocated. There are all kinds of people out there in this world. It's been enjoyable engaging in this thread with you. Remember this: time will heal. Good luck.
Jeremy3456 - thank you for your words. I'm a little ahead of the game, as I've already had much time to reflect, ruminate, mourn, and be depressed. I do feel a huge weight has been lifted. I know I still have a great deal of healing to go through before I will truly be able to "move on". At least I'm headed in a direction now.
He is not the father of my children...but he has been a huge part of their lives for a very long time. Throughout all of this, he's grown distant with them also. I do hope things will come around, and I believe they will in time. I don't imagine we will make a "clean" break...somehow I think we will manage to remain friends and keep in touch.
He's not a bad guy...we've shared a lot of good times. Its sad we have to go through this. Maybe its a mistake, but its time to close this chapter and if we are meant to be time will tell. Right now, it is what is best for both of us.
Wow. You sound impressively strong in hearing this from him. Not strong because you have a "stiff upper lip" but because you are able to feel the sadness, still be compassionate toward him, and remain focused on doing what you need to do to heal and move on. I have no doubt that some days (or moments) will be harder than others, but I hope that you continue to know deep inside that you will get through this and that you continue to use us here, as well as others, to help support you.
All that said, I am sorry for the pain you're going through now, and I wish you well.
Thank you Leslie. As much as I've struggled with the passage of time, his waffling behavior, and not hearing his truth in what he wanted, I've realized it has been a great struggle for him to come to terms to do whats best for him. He's not asking out of the marriage for the wrong reasons. I admire and respect him for that.
Wishing I could overcome the Ultimate Betrayal without going into PTST, I am reminded daily that I have married a Sex Assaulter and Sex Perpetrator! I have filed for divorce after 17 years, and I should have known to file 16 years ago, but the health insurance was the glue. He never touches me, but has almost daily liaisons, of which he is the consummate pathololgic liar. The Ultimate Betrayal mentioned above involved his cell phone which somehow turned on the voicemail to my number, and I heard the complete sexual assault! After hearing this tragic interchange, I moved out, and filed. He refuses to admit anything, even though it's his unmistakable voice on my voicemail. I'm tired of his lies, deceits, cheating, and worst of all, his forceable assault on a woman who kept shouting she "doesn't want to do this"! I'm trying to keep myself from over-stressing, but unfortunately, I have just been diagnosed with cancer, and I have had MS for 7 years. It seems I am being punished for his wicked behavior!
How awful for you! I hope know that you are not being punished -- even if it feels that way. Also, I hope that you have supportive people in your life to help you through all of this; and that you have other meaningful activities and purpose in your life. You might want to start a new discussion thread to get more support here in the community.
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