Relationships and Coping Community

I'm so torn up inside...I wish my husband (well, the guy I am still married to) could see how his actions and lack of actions are affecting me...and yet I'm doing my best to be strong and non-dramatic throughout this separation/whatever you call it. I'm in a great deal of pain and its killing me. I go between anger and compassion over my situation but there is no happiness to be found. I find myself crying almost every day - I'm paralyzed in my life. He tells me he doesn't want to be married. We've been living separately almost a year now, and he makes no move toward filing for a divorce. I'm caught in a place I truly do NOT want to be. I know, I should file and get on with it...not that easy.

He hasn't done his part so we can file income tax returns for the last two years...I'm tired of asking him about it, hearing the same answer of "I'll get to it this week" and a month later nothing has been done. He'll make up an excuse about how expensive it is to file, but I've suggested working out a deal with our accountant. He says ok. He said he needed to order copies of his bank statements from the bank and that's gonna cost money - I handed him all the paper statements, in order by month/year for the last three years! Still no forward movement. I'd love to take the reins on this but I don't do his bookeeping - his responsibility. He admits it would take maybe a day to do and I've offered several times to sit down with him and help. I've got letters from the IRS about not filing and I don't want to go down that road...he understands. Still, not getting anywhere. Then there's other money issues. Last winter he agreed to be responsible for the mortgage and fuel for the house...just as he had been all along. We got behind, went to the bank and worked out a short term solution. Great. Mortgage has been late every month for the past three years...my credit is ruined because of that. I pay my bills on time! Since this spring, I've taken over the fuel portion, and a few times he's asked me for money for the mortgage. Money is tight for me too. I pay all the household bills, food and any extra emergencies that come up (i.e. health, car, repairs, etc) for me and my daughter. If I am lucky enough to have an extra $100 for the mortgage so be it. Its no fun knowing I don't have an extra $150 here to go camping (like him), or $100 there to take a "friend" out to dinner. He cries money's tight...he lives with his sister - I'm pretty sure he's paying very little rent if any or any of their household bills. I've been working my a$$ off getting wood ready to burn to help cut the cost of fuel this winter. He got the wood splitter back to the house so I could use it...didn't offer to help me get wood ready. I'm not going to ask, I have friends who are helping me. I've told him I plan to get a second job to help pay for fuel this winter cause I'm pretty sure my hours are gonna get cut. So I get a text from him last week that he can't stand the thought of me being cold (weather forecast) do I have enough fuel for the chilly night? Awwww....how sweet! He's thinking of me and wants to help. Damnit!!! My cold heart kicks in. I let him know I already got fuel for the house that week and didn't need any...and I already had a fire going to keep warm. Which is the truth but I so wanted him to just come over and put fuel in the house on his own. To reinforce he says call me if you need anything. Just like when hurricane Irene was passing through...That last part is the person I used to know - the rest is someone I don't recognize. It frustrates me!

I don't want to sell my house and move but I might have to. Even if things move forward and I decide to keep it we refinanced 1/2 as much as we owed on it three years ago to bail his business out. Why should I pay for that? Then there is the issue that the house is a constant reminder of our life together.

I'm trying to be strong, to let go, to find myself again. I'm unmotivated and broken...that's just not me!