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Needing MEN's Advice
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zabroza86 posted:
I'm needing some MEN's advice regarding this predicament I have put myself into.

I have a beautiful baby boy with a FWB and we ultimately ended up dating. Things never went the right way with us (either he was dating someone else or vice versa) but we were giving it a shot because feelings were always there.

Needless to say, we have been fighting these past 3 weeks and have been EXTREMELY rocky. We don't live together because we don't want to rush into anything and things go sour(hence our situation now) so we were taking things slow. He works nights while I work days and we rarely speak (we text), we rarely see each other, rarely have dates as a family and even as a couple. You may ask why I'm with him....well despite him being the father of my son, I truly care for him and possibly Lo_e him o_O I can't say that word to myself because its only been 4 months of us dating and 5 months that our son has been "present".

I have some major insecurities that I know I NEED to fix and get over with, but Rome wasn't built in a day.

I sent this text to him over the weekend, "I feel like a single parent that is doing everything" "I know you work but I do too".

His reply: "its basically saying I'm not being a good dad or a dad at all"

NOW, where in the HELL did I say he wasn't being a good father?

When I sent that text my thinking was how I am being seen by the public. I see how people look at me struggling with the carrier, the diaper bag, my purse and of course an energetic 4 month old. I know I shouldn't care what the public thinks or feels but I feel bad for my son, because he DOES have a father, but its the schedule that doesn't allow us to be a "Family".

My last reply was for a total shutdown that ultimately told him to forget all about me because I just can't seem to make him happy and that we aren't healthy as a couple.

Here is what I need help with:
- What should I do?
- Should I explain to him or just let him think that I think he isn't a good father?

Thanks in advance,
-JoAnna

P.S. If anything needs to be cleared up, feel free to ask and I'll explain in further detail.
-JoAnna-
Reply
 
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FCL responded:
Not a guy but ... I think you need to tell him exactly what a good father is supposed to do. If you want him to change, you need to be clear about your expectations. He's not a mind reader. Honestly the two of you have a clear problem with communications - counselling could REALLY help to get things back on track.
There's nothing inherently dirty about sex, but if you try real hard and use your imagination you can overcome that.
 
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darlyn05 responded:
I have to agree with FCL. She's always has great unbiased views. Beings that your relationship started with FWB perhaps that is what he thinks is the current condition of your relationship together. Only a thought. So maybe you should think about what your expectations are for the current situation and then express them to him in a non-confrontational way.
 
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stephs_3_kidz responded:
You feel like a single parent because you carry the diaper bag, carseat, and purse and you think the public is looking at you strangely for that??? I'm not sure what would make you think that. It's....normal.

That's what moms do. It's what dads do. It's just a parent thing. I have 4 kids (ages 3 to 10) and I take them grocery shopping by myself (sometimes). We go to Walmart, the mall, doctor's appointments, etc. My husband works a lot, to support us. So obviously there are times when I have to go somewhere when he's not available. It's really not that big of a deal.

I personally think it sounds like you are being vague in what it is you need him to do, or what it is you want from him.

If you can't handle being in public with the baby by yourself, stop going out unless he can be with you. And I know that doesn't sound very feasible but at this point it's the only thing you can do. Why are you so concerned about being seen by "the public" with the baby, by yourself? I just don't get it.

And he probably doesn't either.

Oh, and I realize I'm not a man, but I happened to run this by my husband. He told me, "Well, you've told me before that you feel like a single parent because I'm not around enough at times. And yeah, it makes me feel like you think I'm not doing my part."

Point taken. I *have* said that in the past. But because I was dealing with raising 4 children while he wored 60 hours a week, not because I was afraid of what people were thinking because I was carrying a baby in the store by myself.

You need to rethink your attitude about all this. Why do you feel single? What do you think is so odd about a woman who's carrying a baby by herself?? What is it you think he should/could do to help?

Do you realize you are subconsciously creating this wedge between you and your BF by saying that he needs to leave you alone bc you can't make him happy and that you aren't working as a couple?

Be careful about the words you use. Sometimes, you get what you ask for...
 
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alaska_mommy responded:
Sorry, again, not a guy, but I am a mother of a 22 month old. My husband works a lot as well.
In my personal opinion, it sounds like you are just adjusting to your unexpected role of motherhood and are looking for a little moral support. In my household I do about 85% of the parenting (broad guess there). I change all the diapers. I do about 98% of the feeding duties. I am the one who puts him to bed. I think maybe you are just feeling "all thumbs" trying to juggle all the trappings of parenthood. Maybe you're a little resentful of him putting you in this predicament and then not being around to help with the outcome.
My suggestion would to come to a place of accepting that you may possibly become a single parent. Let him be as involved as he wants to be, but don't force it. Take charge of baby duties, and know that right now you are still adjusting to being a new mom. Cut yourself some slack, you don't have to be completely poised and perfect when out with your son. Also try to consolidate maybe on the diaper bag...get a big purse and throw in a couple diapers, a binky, travel wipes, and a bottle, and ditch the diaper bag routine. Baby carriers are heavy and bulky. There's no classy way to lug them around...you just gotta do it however you can. You'll develop your "mommy muscles" and be more and more able to carry it all off with grace, but in the meantime, try not to feel so conspicuous. No one is judging your capabilities or making assumptions that you're a single mom. Especially in this age, where both mom and dad frequently work full time.
And one little thing...if you think a 4 month old is energetic just wait till they start walking and talking! Count yourself lucky that he has limited mobility right now!


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