Relationships and Coping Community

STOP RIGHT THERE.


This man delved into your past. He had pre-conceived ideas about what he wanted. He violated your trust by contacting your ex-partners. He held you to a standard that is unreasonable. He made it clear that only a virgin would suffice (right?).

You may love him but he is a controller. He wants to know every detail of your past and then he holds it against you. Don't you see what a slippery slope this can be?

Go look in a mirror. Ask yourself if you deserve to be treated like this. Answer - you don't. He is building up incredible expectations that few could comply with. He makes you feel like less of a woman. Do you REALLY want to spend your life with a person like that??? Have you no self esteem?

How long do you think you can stand him holding your past over your head? Heck, we ALL have pasts! No, you shouldn't have lied but heck, who is he to decide whether you are a good person or not?

Now explain to me how a man who destroys what you are can make you feel "whole". Think long and hard before answering.

ARGH - this is really bothering me. I fe he loved you he would accept you for what you are. I have spent over 28 years with the man of my life and he has never even asked about my past before him because he loves me and my past is immaterial. I am with him and that is all that matters.

Do you want to walk on eggshells for the rest of your life?

If I didn't want him to know about my past, I should have told him just that but instead, I lied to him on many occasions. I also was with a couple of people who he did not approve of, one of which I caught an incurable std from. I know that the only reason he went to my ex's was because my lies just didn't add up. (He was married for ten years and never pried into her past). He felt that if he was going to spend his life with me, he should be able to know all of my past and it obviously wasn't coming from me. The only thing that I told him that was honest was that I was an alcoholic, I have been sober now for over ten months. During my drinking days, and right before I met this man, I subjected myself to someone and let him take advantage of me a few times because I was lonely and wanted companionship, he turned out to be a huge scum bag and probably the one who gave me the std. Basically, he can not get the images of this scum bag out of his head and why I would allow him to do that to me. Although I do not remember all the details of the encounters due to being under the influence, the scum bag has been over exaggerating some of the things that occurred and because I lied before, my man believes him over me.

I may not have the self esteem that I should but I do know that this man loves me and just wants an honest and faithful relationship. He believes that because I had some overlaps in my relationships, I am prone to cheat and he can no longer believe in me. He thinks that I am a whore and he has told me that plenty of times in ways that have lowered my self esteem even more. The more I think of it, the more I am beginning to believe it.

We have been in this battle for almost 6 months now, fighting almost everyday. I have threatened to leave so many times but when I am about to or start to pack up my things (which is hard considering I have most of my things at his house and it would be impossible to just pick up and go), we hold each other and tell each other that this is not what we want because we love each other and we will make it through this with time. I know that he is experiencing retroactive jealousy but I don't know how to help him get over it.

I feel with all that I have said, I seem like a weak minded individual who is co dependent. Not true. I am self supporting, have a wonderful job and if I were on my own, I could handle it because i would prefer to be alone than ever let another man touch me again. Am i making any sense? I am terrible at getting my thoughts into words, my mind is so jumbled all the time. Any thoughts?

I couldn't agree more with FCL, if this man truly did love you, he would accept you for who you are, and everything that comes along with it, regardless. What about his past? I am sure that he has done things that he is not proud of, but that is what makes us who we are, and helps mold us into the people we are today. At least that's how I look at it.

I cannot believe that you would sit there and let this man, let alone anyone, call you a whore! No one deserves that! Just because you had a few bad experiences in your life, and you have an STD, it does not give him or anyone the right to call you names, or justify his actions. And having an STD my dear does not define you as a person. It happens, it's not your fault, and it's more common than you think.

Listen to yourself...you are self supporting, you have a wonderful job, and you sound like you have a good head on your shoulders. I think you know what it is that you need to do. You have the answers inside of you. From all of your experiences, it has made you a strong person, and you may not have found that yet, but you will. I would recommend seeking out a therapist to help with all of this, and me personally, I would get out of this relationship. It does not sound healthy for either one of you.

Not to be an ass, but when you base the foundation of a relationship on a big pile of lies, those lies can come crashing down. While I agree it was wrong of him to snoop, I think it was equally unfair of you to lie to him. Maybe his standards are high and arbitrary, but he has the right to look for someone who meets those standards, not get into a relationship with someone and then find out a year in that that person is totally different from how they presented themselves.

I do think, however, that he is being unfair. Either he can deal with your past, or not. Either he can accept who you were, or he can't. I think you'll just have to calmly ask him if what he now knows is worth it for your relationship to end. If he says that he loves you and is disappointed, you should both seek therapy to help with communication issues. If he tells you that it's too much for him to handle, then you're better off finding someone who can accept you for who you really are.

Have you simply told him that those relationships meant nothing? Have you explained to him how your relationship is different? If you have, what did he say? Why did you feel like you had to lie to him in the first place? Why did he dig so hard into your past? Have you asked him to stop talking to those people? I hate to say it, but him believing the other people makes sense, as you have lied to him in the past.

I wish you the best of luck. For what it's worth, having a history of substance abuse or promiscuity doesn't make you a whore. Someone who was willing to work things out with you probably wouldn't want to degrade your self-esteem to that extent, either. You don't deserve to get dragged over hot coals for your history, but I can understand why he's having a hard time dealing with it.

I know that I shold not have lied but doesn't everyone have some skeleton's in their closet? What I did was wrong and unfair and I don't blame him for wanting to leave me. What I do not like is the fact that he is dragging me on day after day waiting to see if he can get over my past. If he doesn't want me, he should break ties with me. He doens't want to let me go because he loves me so much, he's just having a hard time accepting me for what I have done before him.

He knows that this realationship means the world to me and he knows that the others did not. It's the fact that I put myself in those poitions in the first place that make him think that I would do it again and becasue of my lying to him, he doubts me on every level. We have tried thepy and are both willing to go again, and we will. We have great communication on every other level, we used to be perfect, then my past showed it's ugly head and it ruined us. I do not know if we can ever get back what we had.

The reason that he dug into my past and contacted a few of the people from it was becasue he said that he wanted to know who he was with if we were to spend our lives together because all he knew was from what I told him. He saw inconsistancies in my stories and had to know, he's a detective for a profession as it is and it is in his nature to do so. I understand that and his reasoning to know but the intimate details of certain encounters? After he knew the truth, I tried to still cover some of those details to prevent him from having extreme visuals and now that ihe knows them all, it is the problem too...more lies by covering up. I don't remember some of the details because of my drinking and he thinks that I am still lying. I got it, he doesn't trust me because I lied.

I am so tired of trying to defend myself for my past mistakes, sometimes I just want to give up, i just can't bear the thought of losing him. I feel if I just hang on, eventually it won't be an everyday thought to him and fight with us. I am hoping because I feel that if something doesn't subside soon, we both will end up hating each other. That is the farthest thing from what I want becasue I do love him more than I have ever loved anyone before. I do not want to lose him.

I understand his anger and why he said the things that he did to me, he wanted me to feel the pain that he was feeling, the pain that I caused him. We thought that we found our partner in life with each other, he got the short end of the stick and I do not blame him if he wants to move on.

In the same way he should let you go, cut ties if he can't deal, you should cut ties if you can't deal with the way he's treating you. Again, I think it's inappropriate of him to play the game with you, but you're doing the exact same thing he is.

You both obviously love each other very much, but trust is a pretty massive thing in a relationship, and when you had the opportunity to "come clean" after he found out about some of it, you chose to lie again. I'm not trying to be harsh, and I think your heart's in the right place if you're lying to "protect" him, but to have more inconsistencies was, for him, probably extremely hurtful.

It hurts my heart to read your last paragraph. That is almost definitely his reasoning, but still. You don't deserve to get treated that way. Playing tit-for-tat doesn't work with pain and hurt, and trying to always leads to exacerbated worse feelings.

If you both are willing to engage in therapy, you should. If your relationship still ends it'll at least give you the beginning of a support network. Maybe taking a few days away from each other would help the both of you re-collect and help defuse some of the anger?

I agree 100% with 3point14. Good, solid, lasting relationships are based on communication, trust and respect. You need to get the balance back. IMO, the only way to do so is via counselling.

Of the three most important things to have in a relationship, we have communication but that is all right now.The problem with that one is that due to all of this that has been going on for almost 6 months, we are not expressing our feelings to each other as much. It's as if he doesn't want to share with me anymore. We used to talk about everything. i feel as if I have lost his heart and with that my heart too.

We will start therapy but I think on the long run it will only benefit him, i don't think he's going to let my past continue to be a part of his life since he swore that he never wanted someone like me in the first place. He may be better off. Thanks for your comments, I appreciate it.

We are seeing a therapist now who gave us some homework, personal stuff about us. We shared the homework, pages and pages of it. Our sex life has been incredible recently and more intimate than it has since all this started in July. We have hope again, stronger than before. my problem is this, I do not have any tools to start to build trust again. Can anyone give me some advise? He does not say all those nasty things to me that he used to but he does still brings the subject up all the time, as if I am going to remember more intimate details of that horrible mistake that I blocked out. Any suggestions?

The fact that he is still throwing it in your face is a subject that you really should bring up with your therapist. By doing what he is doing he is effectively stopping you from moving forward ... and that's not fair.

This is a total shot in the dark, but maybe he feels like by you saying things like you "blocked out" details, he feels like you're once again lying, this time by omission. I think you're right not to get into the gory details, but because you've consistently avoided taking responsibility by lying, maybe he'd find it easier to move on if you spoke more honestly with him, something to the effect of "Sharing the details of this isn't going to help us move forward, let's work on rebuilding our trust/let's focus on all the work we're putting into us. What else can I do to make you trust me more?".

I think in terms of building trust, the best things to do are to be unfailingly honest, and to let time pass. By showing him that you are sincerely sorry and won't do it again, you're proving that you want the relationship to move forward and don't want to hurt him again. Ask him what it will take to help build trust.

Him bringing it up constantly could be his way of dealing with it. I've been kind of in his place after catching an SO in a lie, and I was the pest asking "Why?" and stuff like that, to try to figure out what my part in making my SO lie was, if that makes sense. Maybe he wants to know what he can do to make you more comfortable and less likely to lie, and that's his way of opening up the dialogue more.

Best of luck, and I'm glad therapy's making a positive difference

I have to agree with everyone else. You've gotten some great advice.

I have a question, though (and forgive me if I missed it already). Did you disclose the fact that you had an incurable STD to him beforehand, or did you hide that from him? I was just wondering if that maybe set him off asking questions.

Something you said really struck me as odd. You said there was someone that you had slept with that he didn't approve of.

You do realize that nobody is perfect, right? And that everyone has a past, including HIM. That's not something you have to answer to him for, he's just being ridiculous.

You already know that lying was wrong, but I understand that you lied to protect yourself from his reaction. You felt like your "truth" wasn't good enough for him. I get why you did it-not saying it was ok, but I do get it if he is that judgmental and closed-minded.

You asked if there is anything that you can do to bring the relationship back to where it used to be. Honestly, there is nothing you can do. You apologized, you've beaten yourself up over and over. You can't change it. Like 3point said, either you are going to have to grow tired of his behavior and find someone who will love AND accept you for YOU, or he's going to have to grow up and stop acting like you're some criminal he's investigating at work.

I thank you for all of your responses, it has been very helpful. We are going to therapy again tonight, I look forward to it, so does he. This therapist has been working with couples for many years and seems as if he is on the right path to help us, and help my SO move past this in his mind. In response to some of your questions and comments...
3point is right on the spot, he does think that by me blocking things out (in my drinking days calling it blacking out) my SO does think that it's convenient that i can't remember. He knows most of the details from this other guy and I just can't seem to put anything else together, I really don't remember probably because in my mind, it did not mean anything. Non the less, my SO does believe that I am still lying about it. I can understand why. He does not feel that he can ask me any questions about this specific event because he thinks that I am lying or I am conveniently forgetting. It's a tough case to crack. I have been honest about everything now and it's hard for him to see it, again, I understand why. I will try to ask him what I can do to rebuild this trust, this is where therapy should help too.

Regarding the question about the STD, we found out together. When my SO and i met, I had just moved to this town where we currently reside and I did not have a job yet. For a year I did not have insurance to take care of my annual exam. Right before I moved, I did have insurance and took care of all of the "tests," or so I thought and came up clean. When I finally got insurance through my new company, we went to the doctor together. I asked to be tested for everything possible because he was very concerned. I came back with HSV 2 (herpes). We were both upset but I decided to go on medication to reduce the chances of spreading it to 2%. He loves me so much and said that if we were to stay together always, it may be inevitable that he get it, but together, it would be manageable. When he found out about this "one night stand" (that happened a few times) and how much of a scum bag he was, we assumed that it came from him because when my SO told this person that I had it, it didn't seem to bother him. To imagine, a huge mistake in my life because didn't care about myself at that time, has ruined the best relationship that i have ever had. I hope this answers your question.

I know that nobody is perfect, I am not and neither is he. I know that he is in love with me but concerned that my past actions show a reflection of who I am and that because I was careless in decision making, I may repeat the same mistakes. I tell you though, I have learned my lesson. I am not as naive as I once was, I no longer trust people so easily and if this relationship does not work, (although I do have a good feeling that it will, I have more hope) I think it would be a very long time and I would be very cautious about ever letting another man touch me again. I have made too many mistakes and now they are costing me everything. I am learning to forgive myself, it's not that easy when you take the one you love down at the same time, that is harder than it all. It has gotten easier. I just wish thatI could get us back to where we were before, it was truly perfection. I hope that these thoughts that he has dissipate and we begin to gain trust. I will do all that I can.