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Am I overreacting or did my friend just betray me?
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Anon_172747 posted:


Am I overreacting or did my friend just betray me?
Me and my friend used to be best friends i've known her for four years. We'd talk and text each other all the time, see each other almost every weekend and go out and play pool. She always had problems with money as she has an on-call job but has called out so many times that she is rarely called in for work. The only way we could go out is if I paid; yes, that got old and expenisive and made me feel somewhat used. At the same time, I felt that she reciprocated in other ways such as inviting me to sleep over at her house and being there when I needed someone to vent to. She was there for me when my boyfriend's ex (whom I worked with at the time) was trying to make me feel inferior, unwanted, and was insinuating that my boyfriend was cheating on me with her. My friend knew how much I could not stand this ex-girlfriend, how bad this chick hurt me and how still to this day, I do not want to see or talk to this chick ever again. About a year ago, my friend and I had a falling out and we have not been able to regain that best-friends friendship that we once had, but nethertheless, we still communicated every once in a while. Then, my friend got pregnat and is now four months along. She texted me and asked me to throw her a babyshower because she remembers me mentioning one. I was dumbfounded- one because I didn't think that is something that you ask someone to do and especially since we haven't been that close lately. I finally tell her that I never said that I was going to throw her one and that it is not even Christmas yet (she's due in May!). She texts me back and said that her sister is throwing one for her and that the chick that I can't stand above and her sister are both invited, so she was thinking since I wouldn't go to that one, I could throw her a separate one. I told her that there's some boundaries that true friends do not cross because it would be betrayal. She responds back saying, since 'we haven't seen eye to eye in a while, to be honest, I'm not sure we were ever friends to begin with.' I didn't respond to that. Instead, I'm left feeling angry and betrayed and I don't honestly know when I'll talk to her again. I felt that this was a huge slap in the face; am I wrong to feel this way or am I taking this out of proportion?
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tmlmtlrl responded:
What was/is her relationship with the other girl?

I would feel the same as you. I think it sounds very wrong. Kinda gets me a little angry

Sometimes people weed themselves out of our lives. Sounds like that's what's happened here. I'm thinking she probably was never a true friend to you.
 
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Leslie Becker-Phelps, PhD responded:
I'm not exactly sure what you mean when you write, "...there's some boundaries that true friends do not cross because it would be betrayal." I'm also confused by why she would ask you to throw her a shower when she wasn't sure you ever really were friends. There are definitely some complicated feelings here-- but even without all of the details, I can tell that you have been very hurt (and it sounds like she might have been, too). It seems that you are at a point where this friendship cannot continue to just float along-- you probably need to either have a real hear-to-heart talk with her about it so that you can both clear the air, or you will need to accept that it has become more of a negative than a positive in your life and let it go.
 
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whos2say responded:
I think it's a little hypocritical of her- first she asks you to give her a baby shower, which close friends do- and then says we weren't ever friends to begin with when you question it? Why is the other girl going? are they friends now? I don't think you are overreacting....No baby shower for her!
 
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Anon_172747 replied to whos2say's response:
Thank you everyone. To answer your questions:
My friend went to high school and worked with the chick that I can not stand, but they were never friends. At one time, the three of us all worked at the same place; that's how I met them and that's where that chick started to get under my skin with her words and actions.

My friend knows the history of this chick- she knows that this chick makes me sick to my stomach, she knows about the pain she inflicted on me and how I am still struggling to put that all behind me and let go. I felt that she was crossing a line by allowing this chick and sister to attend her babyshower when she knew good and well how I felt about this chick.

My friend's sister is friends with the sister of the chick that I do not get along with, and that's why they're invited. (Keep in mind, i didn't know that the reason why she was asking me to throw one was because her sister was already doing one and inviting these chicks.) I felt that my friend could have put her foot down and told her sister to invite another friend instead. Seriously, if you KNEW that a person was a conflict of interest to a good friend of yours, would you invite them to your party?

I still feel angry. I can't help but think that if my so called friend went as far as to authorize the chick's invite, than what's to stop her from telling her personal things about me and what i've said about that chick out of spite?

Also, the whole situation is pretty sad; I never exected her to turn around and do this. I don't think she will ever grasp how backstabbing this move was, and I don't know if i'd be able to trust her again after this. I just wish I could make new friends and move on!
 
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Leslie Becker-Phelps, PhD replied to Anon_172747's response:
It is sad and hurtful. If -- after the dust settles- you want to save your relationship, you'll need to think about whether it's worth a shot at talking with her about this. But, like you say, you might need to just move on -- or at least let go a bit for now. Do you have other friends you can turn to? You say that you wish you "could make new friends and move on"-- unless there is something in the way (is there?), then it sounds like that would really help. Even if somehow she really gets it-- how you feel betrayed and what she did that left you feeling this way-- it would still be good to have other friends.
 
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Anon_172747 replied to Leslie Becker-Phelps, PhD's response:
Hi Leslie,

I've always been the type to only have a few good friends, but I've lost some as we just changed/went our separate ways. I currently have one friend, but she's busy as she's a single mother of three and she has a boyfriend too. I told her about the baby shower situation and she agreed that it was betrayl and sort of comforted me by saying she wasn't going to go if I wasn't.

I'm trying my best not to dwell on this situation, but at the same time, I desparately want comfort/support from others. I'm just not the person that calls and continously complains about my problems; I don't want to burden anyone and I know how annoying it is to listed to someone complain all the time.
 
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Leslie Becker-Phelps, PhD replied to Anon_172747's response:
I hope that it helped to share this with your friend and to share it here. But I also think it's important that you have other things to focus on.

Maybe you can spend time with this friend -- as a single mother, she might be very open to you helping her out in some ways or even to getting a babysitter so the two of you can get out (too often, single mothers crave time for themselves and don't get it).

Of the friends you've lost touch with, are there any you'd like to reconnect with? are there acquaintances you'd like to get to know better? Is there some hobby or activity you'd like to take up-- and one where there is some kind of club or group you can join? It also might help to do something that offers a topic of conversation (like going to a movie) so that you have something to talk about.

Though it might be hard to do any of these, consider helping yourself by reaching out to others. It seems that if you don't do something to redirect your focus, you are likely to stay stuck where you are

What do you think?


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