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Attention: The information provided in this forum is intended for educational purposes only, and is not a substitute for individual professional advice, diagnosis, or treatment.
Is it okay to have secrets in your relationship?
Leslie Becker-Phelps, PhD posted:
Many people in this community have asked at various times whether they should tell (or show) their partner or potential partner some particular thing. Should I tell her I had an affair? Should I tell her I snooped? Should I tell him I'm bisexual? Should I tell her I have herpes?

It may be helpful to keep in mind that most fundamental to any close relationship is good communication. Sharing thoughts, feelings, and experiences is the only way for partners to really get to know each other so that they can feel emotionally intimate, understood and truly supported.

If you are being dishonest because you fear losing your partner, then you need to think about whether you really "have" your partner to begin with.

If your dishonesty or avoidance is based in not wanting to hurt your partner, consider how they would feel if they found out that you are hiding this information.
You might also want to think about how this secret creates distance in your relationship - is this a problem?

Of course, as they say, "The devil is in the details." Think about your situation. And, if it would help, please feel free to share it here so that others can help you find your best solution. To read The Art of Relationships with Leslie Becker-Phelps, PhD, click the link provided.
kats4me03 responded:
I have been thing about my situation, of why my husband chose to withhold his information about porn. I have listened and try to understand but to this day I can't. I have depression and anexiety from this situation and never feel safe any more. How do I cope with feeling never good enough, pretty, or desirable?
darlyn05 replied to kats4me03's response:
If you could provide more information concerning the issue and how you feel towards pornography I think it may help us in giving you some viewpoints or ideas.

It probably would also help if maybe you started a new Discussion.

How long have you been married? Was this something you had an idea about from the the beginning or near then? What are your feelings towards pornography in general? Are you shown desire and love from your husband in general and sexually? Do you feel unsatisfied with your physical appearance or performance? Does he make comparitive comments?
fcl replied to kats4me03's response:
What worries me is that you say you don't feel safe any more. Could you elaborate on that?
There's nothing inherently dirty about sex, but if you try real hard and use your imagination you can overcome that.

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