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Venting
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tmlmtlrl posted:
I've been feeling very sad lately. I tend to go up and down and it usually revolves around my period. I am just getting over that right now so it doesn't really fit. Actually it's more of an underlying thought pattern that I can never completely get away from. Feeling that I'm not good enough. That thought festers in my head and eats away at me. I don't know what to do with it. I find myself being very dismissive with any compliments that I get too.

When I was a kid I grew up with two girl friends that were also my neighbors. They were both blonde hair blue/green eyed. I was always second best, second pick, second thought. I think that is part of where my thoughts come from. I know I am an attractive person. I don't feel it deep down tho.

Aside from the physical I still don't feel good enough. I have no friends and that's very hard on me. Well, I have one friend who currently lives 11 hours away. I don't know how to make friends. I talk with people. I try. I don't know what to do next. I try to not be too personal talking with people though. I always feel like it's not my place. Plus I feel like if I do start to make a friendship or get out there somehow that my pms will mess me up some way.

Winters have always been hard on me. I really need sunshine to get thru my days. But for my husband winter is when he gets to have a life. He suddenly has friends that he's on the phone with, places to go and things to do. I feel jealous and try not to show it. It does make me feel sad though. I'm not invited or included with any of that, which really is fine. It's like its nice to see him come alive and be happy about things, but I wish I also had that. I also wish we could have couples friends to hang out with too.

I guess I don't even know where to begin. Or how to do any of it. Also, with my husband I have those thoughts of why is he with me? When is he going to just have enough and be done with me? Or he'll find someone else better than me. My reality does NOT support those feelings at all. I have no real reasons to have those thoughts. It's just that awful internal voice.

Wow, I sure have rambled here. My problems are my own head beating me down and not having or knowing how to make friends. Probably after reading this one would wonder why someone would want to friend me anyway! I'm not always this way. I like to have fun and I'm actually quite funny and witty. I just don't know where the lines are supposed to be within friendships and the levels of friendships.

Most of my life a 'friend' to me was someone extremely important to me and I always went out of my way to help. Now after so many times of realizing it's not my place (which is hard for me cuz I'm very passionate person) I feel broken down and really unsure about relationships. Which I've also felt like I've put focus and energy into other people in my life so as to not have to deal or focus on myself. Who knows.
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Leslie Becker-Phelps, PhD responded:
I'm sorry that you are feeling so down on yourself, but it is encouraging to hear that on some level you appreciate you.

I'm curious about your husband. Is it a good relationship? Does he love you? Does he treat you well? Can you share your need for him to include you in some things at this time? That could really help. (I can't help but notice that you do not acknowledge him as a friend-- do you see him as one?)

It can also help to realize that your negative thinking is coming from emotional pain. That can make it feel real, but it doesn't make all the negative thoughts true. Try acknowledging the pain (i.e. sadness, loneliness, hurt) while also recognizing that the negative thoughts about yourself aren't true. It might also help to understand what led you to think and feel this way so that you can have compassion for your pain. But, this takes time and effort and still can be difficult. You might find it helpful to get therapy.

Finally,you have had had friends and it sounds like it is time to connect with people again -- either reconnecting with old friends or developing new friendships. I'm not clear what your problem is in this area even though you say that it has something to do with putting focus on others.
 
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tmlmtlrl replied to Leslie Becker-Phelps, PhD's response:
Oops, yeah, he is my best friend! I guess my thought process has been on finding female friends so I didn't think to list him. I have family I can hang out with sometimes too, but it's just not the same. I guess I think he treats me too good, more than I deserve. Too good to be true kinda thing. But when I consider how he was raised and how all his Aunts and Uncles (and parents) are still happily married with many past their 50th Anniversary, I know he's in it for the long haul!

So even though I have no reason to think of him leaving me I'm left with my own self defeating thoughts that eventually he'll realize he could've done better.

I agree it would be helpful to figure out where this all stems from. I believe in part from my mother, my parents relationship, and my friendships as a teen. I do think therapy would do me well. I can only figure things out so far before not knowing what to do with it all.

As far as friendships, I just honestly don't know how to make new ones.

As for insecurities let me be completely honest, and I'm sorry for sounding shallow it's just how my mind works.. My DH asked for me and him to go with 2 couples this weekend on a trip (he wants to help me make friends). I feel horrible to even say this.. I think the one lady looks more beautiful and secure than me and I fear it will drive my brain nuts to be around her.

My dad is a biker guy. He's always commented, hooted and hollered over women, and been very pointed about his likes/dislikes of them. Basically I think it has made me feel very replaceable as a woman. There's always someone prettier, bigger boobs, thinner legs, better tempered, more endearing, nurturing, etc. So tell me how do I make that go away? How do I make it in a world of perfectionism where the end result is absolutely impossible?
 
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tmlmtlrl replied to tmlmtlrl's response:
Let me add that this 'couples' thing this weekend is to go snowmobiling. That's what he does during the winter time. Early in our relationship I wanted to be a part of it or to at least get a taste of it. There was always an excuse of why he thought I wouldn't like it or that I should have my own sled. Now he has a second sled and is determined that I'll like it. The thing about that is I've went through the process of putting that out of my mind, letting it go, letting it be his thing.

Also, I've been on a snowmobile one time. Two years ago. I wasn't too thrilled about it. Only on for a short time. So I'm not really comfortable about dedicating myself to a weekend with people I don't know to snowmobile. I want to go for the social part of it. I also get scared that I have arthritis and if my fingers wig out on me I really won't be able to do anything about it.

Just thought I'd expand on that so you don't think I'm just turning down exactly what I'm asking for.
 
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3point14 replied to tmlmtlrl's response:
((huge hugs))

I know exactly how you feel. That feeling that when you're talking to someone else, you should be shhing because they don't care. That sad feeling when you see someone more beautiful, because it's "confirmation" of your inadequacy in your head. The loving feelings for your SO, but that secret dread that once they find someone better, they'll go towards it.

IT'S CRAP. It's all lies, self-defeating, dumb lies that your mind creates on its own and has nothing to do with the beautiful person you are, inside and out.

The best advice I can give is to ignore that part of your thought process. Take the word "more" out of your mental vocabulary. No longer "she's more beautiful than I am", but "she's beautiful just like I am". Not "these people are more worthy, so I'll shut up", but "I am just as worthy as these people, so I can say what I want". I know, easier said than done. But try it out for a few days. Instead of comparing yourself, doubting yourself and not loving yourself, change your ears into reminders about all the great things you are.

In terms of making friends, especially "couple" friends, just be open to people. Be friendly with co-workers. Be friendly towards the wives/girlfriends of his friends, and make an effort to see them not as accessories to his friends and their good times, but as built-in friends for yourself. I feel you so much with that too, being a weird mix of aloof but really, really dedicated to friends once you have 'em, and it can be a huge strain. Once your thoughts about yourself can calm down to a dull roar, it'll be easier to be less self-conscious with new people. Maybe try taking a cooking class, dance class, something like that: a social fix and a way to alleviate some winter blues.

You are a worthy woman. You deserve what you have, and you deserve to feel beautiful. Be a little needy with your husband if you have to, ask him what he loves about you, why he's attracted to you, stuff like that. Hearing those positive affirmations with help you believe them more, and take a compliment better.
 
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tmlmtlrl replied to 3point14's response:
Thank you so much Pi. I really appreciate your kind words.

The sad truth is that I have my self pretty well cut off from the outside world. That makes it hard for relationships to naturally develop. I go to my son's school a couple times a week to help out. I've had good conversation's with some parents but that's all. It's not too often I run back into the same women.

I do need to find something to sign up to do. It's hard because my schedule is so packed with taking my kids back n forth to everything they have going on. I was going to the gym, but because there was such a small window for me to go and I didn't go on weekends I ended up getting some equipment for home use instead. That's great, but still another way I cut myself out of the world. Not that I really ever had many conversations in the year I went there.

Plus, with my DH being a farmer it makes it really hard to find couples to be around. The friends he does have all know that they can't make plans with him for most of the year. We have a different type of lifestyle.

I do try to ignore those awful thoughts in my head and usually I'm successful at it. It's just sometimes they get the best of me and I worry that I will create a self fulfilling prophecy and run my husband off.. which just cycles around my other demeaning thoughts and gets me caught up in misery!!

I'm trying to put my head up and be focused on more positive things. I do keep pondering going to get counseling though. I don't like the jealousy that's in my head. I have so much good in my life and positive attributes that it's sad for me to not be grateful and secure as I should be.

Thanks again
 
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Leslie Becker-Phelps, PhD replied to tmlmtlrl's response:
To struggle as you do with yourself and still share all of this... I hope you realize how wonderful it is that you are taking this step in seeking help. You say that you think you would benefit from therapy, so I'm wondering, what keeps you from starting?

I'm glad to hear that your husband is your best friend. I urge you to let him be that -- let him help you and support you. He can't do this alone; he can only offer the help-- you need to make an effort to take him up on it. If you find yourself getting in your way, I suggest you talk with him about this and maybe together you can find the inner strength to do the healthy thing.


Also, I have a bit of a different take on how to handle all of those upsetting thoughts and feelings. Rather than try to ignore them, I suggest that you listen up-- as you would listen to a friend in distress. Try to understand and have compassion for the thinking and feelings. To do this, it can help to imagine those experiences as a different part of you. Or, you can think back to when those experiences were developing in you as a child, connect with that experience, and then allow yourself to feel compassion for that child. Practice this. Then, when you have the same types of experiences in the present, you might find it easier to have compassion for them because they are really coming from that "inner child". If this way of approaching yourself seems like it has the potential to help, you might find it helpful to read more about it in a blog I wrote some time ago: Compassionate Self-Awareness: Moving toward self-acceptance and belonging . If you don't do this and just try to ignore your upsetting thoughts and feelings, they won't just disappear... they'll move underground and strongly influence you from outside your awareness (leaving you to wonder what's wrong with you that you can't just be different).

Keep up the good work of facing these issues and you can overcome them!
 
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kristinmarie722 responded:
(((HUGS)))
I have been going thru this too, to an extent
I am going to counseling. I am hoping it helps.
Send me a msg if you want to talk about anything


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