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i'm just so sad.. lost feelings for husband, do they ever return?
happimomi posted:
have lost some feelings for my husband. it just hit me about 7 months ago, and its gotten worse. since then, i keep noticing more and more things that drive me crazy to the point of being desperate to run out the door and never look back. deep down i do care about him but its more of a brotherly love, not spouse. i dont care to have sex with him anymore. i love being married but ive just grown out of love with him. we do not have money for counseling. i have told him how i feel, and he hates it, and he tries little things that i used to would have liked, but its hard to like them when i asked him for many many years to do them,, now its feeling like too little: too late! anyone else ever been there? yes we do have kids.
tmlmtlrl responded:
Does this sound like you?

Maybe you two can talk to each other..

You seem very lost. Are you looking for permission to leave your husband? Have you looked into counseling with a church perhaps? What does your best friend/sister/mother/confidant say about your situation?
happimomi replied to tmlmtlrl's response:
yes, it does sound a lot like my situation. I feel desperate.. and i guess confused, and it does hurt my feelings, i'm dissappointed also in myself: i wish i didnt feel this way, but I do. I wish i could go back to happy times, wheni think i was in the dark, and just not aware of how i was feeling. Theres always been little things that drove me crazy about him, but they all came to light all of a sudden, and it was like a volcano and it errupted, i told him about it, and its been hard since then. Hard to talk about with him, and because it upsets him, lately, ive just shut up about it, but my feelings are just NOT there. Ive just never been in such a situation, and i do feel as if I'm out of love for him, and i do feel lost,and hurt and confussed. i wonder if i would be happier without him? i'm just confused, will time help this. As for friends, i have talked to my mother, which is also a good friend, she says she's always seen things about him that raised her flag. The things that hurt me about him: she says she doesn't see where they will ever get better. Sad, but i LOVE being married. I like everything about it, dont do bars, singles, etc.. never was that type. I just hate the empty heart feelings, and the not happy when he comes home feeling, and the fact that his touch makes me sick.. anyone been there?
An_254972 replied to happimomi's response:
This is exactly how I feel. Except that I just split up with my husband of 5 years (together for 7 though) for those same reasons. I feel like I wasn't willing to admit I made a mistake, and so was willfully denying everything that was wrong with our relationship because I wanted to believe that we were in love, until finally I realised that I was the only one in love. And if I'm going to be lonely - I may as well be single.
But it's killing me to hurt him, because I know I am breaking his heart, and I worry about him all the time, and I'm so incredibly sad to say goodbye to his family and most of our friends who were his friends. And at the same time I'm mad because I know that we don't work, and I don't know if he is really upset because we have split up and he actually does really love me or because he just doesn't want to be separated at his age (the fact that we were having sex 1-3 times a year and we are only 30, and only because I bugged him, and not mutually satisfying is a fairly obvious indicator of something missing in our relationship), and I'm mad at myself for having doubts and being tempted to go back when I know that it wouldn't work in the long run anyway.
And I'm mad that I gave so much for so long, and our relationship only "worked" in that he was happy - when I was unhappy because I was putting in all the effort. But it took me walking away for him to start trying to do all of the things I have been asking for the entire time, and now its too late because I have made the admission to myself that I love him, but that we are not in love? I don't think he understands the difference. I loved being married, I tried to be the perfect wife and but was never enough, I'm so angry that I wasn't enough. I am turning 30 at the end of the year and I thought I would have babies and a house by now. In fact, last year I thought that if we had a baby it would somehow prove that he did love me so I went to the Dr to get a checkup, and was told I needed to lose weight. Which I did and discovered a passion for body-sculpting and he hated it. I lost 22kgs and he never told me he was proud of me, never told me I was attractive, and in fact was embarrassed if I showed off my muscles to anyone. I started to become more confident and made some new friends and instead of revolving my life around him, and sitting at home stuffing my face waiting for him I was at the gym doing something I really enjoyed and that made me happier to be myself, and then that's when I stopped pretending and our relationship began to fall apart. But even though I know its mentally healthier for me now, I'm still scared — of being alone, not finding anyone else, not being good enough. Maybe I should have just settled for a nice guy, who works hard to provide for us and is maybe just not good at expressing his feelings? I don't know if he can change enough for our relationship to work because I want different things now — he thought that life is just about working, buying a house and having kids. He saves having fun to have with him friends, and I am just in the 'work' section. And now I want more than that but I feel guilty. And so now I just feel so sad.
Leslie Becker-Phelps, PhD replied to happimomi's response:
You don't need to feel 'in love' now for there to be the possibility of recovering a happy marriage. But it will take work not just to turn your marriage around, but also just to find out if it can work.

Spouses who are in situations like yours often find it most helpful to begin by deciding whether they want to try to heal their marriage, assuming that this may be possible. Hope for a possibly better marriage can be found if your answer is "yes, if I could heal my marriage, I would be willing to put in the effort to make this happen." For many people, their answer is that they would want a better marriage only if it could be made instantaneously better -- this, unfortunately, is not enough to improve things. The next helpful question you might want to ask yourself is, "Is my spouse willing to put effort in, too?" Again, there is the possibility for a better future together if the answer to this is yes.

If you are both on board with trying to improve your marriage, then there is hope. It would be easier with couple therapy, so it might be worth checking into low cost options. However, if you can't find professional help, then you can begin the process on your own. Let us know if this is the case, and we can try to help you through this process.
dfromspencer replied to An_254972's response:
I'm sorry you are so sad!!! Its truly a shame to have to end a marriage, for what ever reason?! Unfortunately, things do happen, and things do not happen, and it all conspires to push us towards the easy way out. You sound as if you still love him, and want to make this work, but you also feel you are doing all the work?

Ok, so you have no money for a counselor, but, there are resources readily available to you in your own town/city/state! I suggest you use them, and get a counselor, you are at that point now! I fear without the counselor, your marriage is doomed to failure?!

Congratulations on your weight loss, and your continued efforts in Body Building!!! At one point in my life, that is what I aspired to, to be a champion Body Builder?! I cannot count the fifty pound bags of Mega Mass 2000 I went through?! And then, life happened! Now, I'm 54, and starting to look good once again, returning to that beloved Body Building, and lovin every minute of it!!! I hope this is something you can stick to, no matter what life throws at you?! It is very rewarding, even on an individual basis?! I hope to see you in competition on the stage? I won't know who you are, but I will cheer you on?!!!

Life is short, grab hold to what you can!!!

sluggo45692 replied to An_254972's response:
Hello there young woman,

Congrats on figuring out what you want. A lot of women and men can't seem to do that. You want to be appreciated and your body enjoyed by more than your self. You work hard and you want your play time with your husband. I can bet the guys at the gym are looking at you. Your husband should be also.

I'm sorry about 7 years of being with a man and he not appreciating you. My ex wife was like that. I had 19 years. Your still young and now with a good dose of self esteem. If you and your husband want to stay together, it's going to be a lot of hard work. Do what YOU want, and don't do it because someone else told you that you should. Do it for you. Just like your body sculpting. Be selfish and live happy. Don't be unhappy with life.

Also don't feel guilty if you don't stay together. You did all you could and he fell short. Sounds like in a lot of ways.

Good Luck

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