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He's confiding in another woman about our relationship.
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ABfromGC posted:
My boyfriend of six months has been confiding in a work colleague about a lot, if not all, of the issues he's having with our relationship. He doesn't tell me what is bothering him. Most times, I don't even find out that he was frustrated or angered about something until long after the fact, when he says it in passing. His response to me when I brought this up and told him that I was bothered by it was basically that it isn't going to change, and he doesn't know what to tell me. He's never been mean or rude or anything of the sort to me, so I was very shocked by his response....I'm hurting for more reasons than just this, but this was an unneeded ingredient in the emotional cocktail I'm dealing with at the moment. Help?
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3point14 responded:
How long has he known his co-worker? How long has he known you? How do you respond when/if he has ever brought up issues?
 
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Leslie Becker-Phelps, PhD responded:
To help, it would help to know a bit more. For instance: You say, "I'm hurting for more reasons than just this"; what else is going on? What are the other issues you are having in your relationship? Have you talked about your relationship issues at other times- and how has this gone?
 
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ABfromGC replied to 3point14's response:
He's known his work collegue for about 5 years. I appreciate that he has a friend that he can talk to about things, but he tells her everything and tells me nothing. He never brings up issues. He just sort of puts up a wall and then after he talks to her, he's fine, but he'll mention it in passing that he had an issue with something I said, did, etc., months later in passing. I've always responded calmly and in an appropriate manner because I don't believe in having heated arguments when things can be talked out calmly. However, I've found out recently that he talks to her about everything between us...including personal information, and I am extremely uncomfortable with this.
 
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ABfromGC replied to Leslie Becker-Phelps, PhD's response:
We haven't been having any issues other than his lack of communication with me about things that bother him in our relationship, recently. Otherwise, things have been next to perfect.
The other reasons have to do with issues going on outside of my relationship. My current living situation isn't what I wish it was, my finances are not great at the moment because I'm going to school, I'm a single mother and I'm going through a nasty custody battle with my son's father, etc.
 
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Leslie Becker-Phelps, PhD replied to ABfromGC's response:
Ugh! You do have a lot going on. Could this be related to him not sharing more with you? Does he not want to upset you?

In any case, his lack of communication may be the only issue, but it's definitely a big one. You may not see his response to you as mean or rude, but it is disrespectful to you and your relationship -- that is, dismissing your concerns is disrespectful and certainly not showing caring (which is essential in a relationship). If he still refuses to talk with you about it after reaching out to him at different times and really trying to get him to talk with you, then you will really need to think about whether you are willing to accept this. Even if you accept it for the moment, his lack of communication with you (and over-sharing with his coworker) will likely continue to undermine your relationship. So all I can suggest is for you to keep trying to talk with him, keep tabs on how things are going, and monitor whether you are getting enough of what you want and need from the relationship.

I'm sorry for what you are going through (with him and the other stresses in your life), and I hope you find the strength to do what you need to to make your life better.


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