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Is it bad....
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zabroza86 posted:
....that I feel that my bf uses me for sex??

It's just whenever we have sex, a couple days later we get into an argument, then don't talk for a week then have sex then the cycle continues. Trust me, I've held out on him a couple of weeks, but then its gotten to the point that I'm thinking like this.

TIA
-JoAnna-
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3point14 responded:
Yes, it is bad. Withholding sex isn't really a solution, because it solves nothing and only sexually frustrates you both. A healthy relationship includes sex, and a healthy relationship includes trust and respect, which means that he shouldn't just be using you.

What do you two fight about? Who starts it? Have you mentioned to him that you feel used? Have you mentioned to him you get into a cycle of sex and then fighting? What was his response?
 
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stephs_3_kidz responded:
I think that's a hard question.

If you are fighting with someone I don't see how withholding sex is a bad thing. Not to throw it in their face and say, "Hey, jerk, I'm not having sex with you, take that!" but rather, if you're arguing and not getting along, WHY would you have sex just to make sure nobody's sexually frustrated??? That concept, to me, is beyond crazy.

Maybe I'm just not the kind of person to say, you know, even though we're fighting, let's go at it like monkeys.

I think your bigger issues need to be resolved and talked through. It's very easy to use sex as a band-aid of sorts, but then you're back at square one. Nothing is resolved.
 
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zabroza86 replied to 3point14's response:
Well our MAIN fault is communication and we both know that but with our schedule's its hard to have a decent conversation. (he works nights and I work days).

We mainly fight about him not seeing our son as often as he should. Of course I have mentioned this to him and he says that he doesn't intend on it happening but it just happens. I guess we are just a weird couple.
-JoAnna-
 
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zabroza86 replied to stephs_3_kidz's response:
I don't throw anything in his face or even mention that I'm withholding sex because frankly its quite obvious. Personally we are attracted to each other and I guess the who time apart does it's justice and we end up having sex.

I told him before that our issues just get pushed away further and further and we never actually speak about them and he agrees but its the time alone we have....is never alone. I rather him see and spend time with our 8 mo son then spend that time arguing over issues. *shrugs*

thanks though for the comment
-JoAnna-
 
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3point14 replied to zabroza86's response:
Until your communication issues improve, I don't see how your relationship can. Even if you only have 10 minutes a day to talk with each other, you can improve your communication by listening, not interrupting, really hearing the other one out, and asking questions about why he feels the way he does and expressing why you feel the way you do.

You might also want to check out your library or Barnes and Noble for books about communication.

You've posted here before about him not seeing his son, right? So really you're feeling used because he's not putting the level of priority you want him to as a father, and he's basically telling you he can't do anything about it and that's the end of it. Until you come to a conclusion that's more satisfactory to you (not to mention your son) and feel as though your BF is a bigger participant in your life together, you will probably feel resentful that he gets to have sex with you while not holding up what you feel is his end of the bargain.Until you can figure out a way to express your physical/emotional/parental needs with him without it leading to a fight, things most likely won't improve.

What changes your conversations from civil to a fight?
 
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stephs_3_kidz replied to zabroza86's response:
I didn't mean YOU are holding it over his head....I meant, I took your post in terms of you're not getting along so you just don't want to have sex with him. I can't blame you!! My point was that not wanting to have sex with someone when you're fighting and arguing is NOT a bad thing, I think it's just natural.

You have to start talking about things like mature adults who are raising a son together instead of allowing things to escalate into arguments.

The older I've gotten I've realized the whole POINT of an argument/discussion is to find a solution, not to try to prove your point or figure out who's right and who's wrong.

Communication. Compromise. That's what the both of you need to work on.
 
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fcl responded:
This may cause irritation but I'm going to say it anyway.

Weren't you the couple who were FWB for years and were happy that way? Then you had a surprise pregnancy and decided to become a more standard couiple. Didn't you get engaged or weren't you discussing marriage at one point? If I've got the wrong couple then just ignore the rest of my post.

Anyway, I wonder if your bf isn't really ready for a family life. I wonder if he doesn't think fondly back to the FWB days when things were so much simpler. Is it possible that he is having second thoughts about all this and really could nor care less whether you fix things or not? These are just passing thoughts but ... should I be right ... then every time you insist on more time with him, that he spends more time with yur son,well, consider that you might be shooting yourself in the foot because youi'd be pushing him in the wrong direction.
There's nothing inherently dirty about sex, but if you try real hard and use your imagination you can overcome that.
 
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stephs_3_kidz replied to fcl's response:
FCL I believe you may be correct about that.
 
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kristinmarie722 replied to fcl's response:
I agree with FCL.

Same thing happened with my son's dad. We were just FWB till I got pregnant. He said we would make it work, be a family, etc at the beginning, but really all it was, was me pregnant or home with the baby and him still doing the same things- going to the bar, drinking, hanging with friends.
I wasted 6 years by being with him and never getting out of the relationship what I really needed and wanted.
 
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dfromspencer responded:
I know this is way late, but if you come and read this, this is what you need to do. Both of you need to take one day off, and really set down and do some talking. Dont stop till you have talked about every little concern you might have. Then, and only then, will you open the communications.

Quallity time is what you are lacking.


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