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Is modern life getting in the way of your relationship?
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Leslie Becker-Phelps, PhD posted:
Just as with some children's toys, people should be given a warning message when they enter relationships; Caution: Modern life can be dangerous to the health of your relationship. Too often, partners spend very little time together. There's just so much to get done each day. And then, of course, there is the marvel and ubiquity of technology. While it brings people together in ways never before imagined, it also frequently distracts couples from each other. It slips between them, redirecting their attention to screens: computer, cell phone, iPad, or TV.


Has modern life gotten in the way of your current relationship or past ones? If so, has the problem been caused by technology; the pace of life; or something else? What have you done to fix the problem? Has the problem seemed to be beyond fixing? Don't miss Dr. Becker-Phelps blog and many more found here, on The Art of Relationships.
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3point14 responded:
I always find stuff like this weird. If you're too distracted by your iPod, or the "pace of life" to put effort into your relationship...how dedicated are you to your relationship?

Shouldn't the pace of life include your relationship?
 
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Leslie Becker-Phelps, PhD replied to 3point14's response:
Obviously, I agree-- and this can seem obvious. But I think a lot of people get caught up in the activity of their lives and this sometimes pulls them away from their priorities. Also, when people are going through a hard time, I think it's often easier to keep busy with all the "stuff"; especially the interactive, technology stuff; than to face their problems.
 
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mamareese replied to Leslie Becker-Phelps, PhD's response:
Ms. Phelps,

My husband is on facebook, twitter, blogs and texting ALL THE TIME. I recently found out that he was "sexting" with some females via text and facebook. I approached him, he admitted, said he wouldn't do it again, but after two-three days, he went back to his online world. He takes his phone EVERYWHERE including the bathroom and the bed, and he gets upset when I get upset about him being on it all the time. He thinks I need to get over it, but doesn't understand that everytime I see him pick up his phone or on one of the social websites, I relive the whole situation over and over again. He is also lacking in affection and intimacy-we are more like roommates with all this damn technology in the way. How do I make him understand that he is making hard for me to get passed this issue?

Or do I need to investigate and see if there is a bigger issue?
 
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Leslie Becker-Phelps, PhD replied to mamareese's response:
I can understand you wondering about whether there is a "bigger issue", but it strikes me that you are already talking about some very big issues. He has betrayed your trust, is not working to try to repair the damage, and continues to act in questionable ways. So, of course, you don't trust him and have lost a sense of feeling close to him.

Unfortunately, you cannot "make" him understand the problems. All you can do is talk with him. There are ways of doing this that make it more likely that he can hear you. For example, you can focus more on your feelings related to the hurt and betrayal, and the hope for renewed closeness, rather than just your finger at him for all his misdeeds. But, at the end of the day, he still needs to to be willing to take responsibility for his actions and to be willing to work on your marriage.

If you can't seem to make headway with him (which will be hard to do at this point), I suggest you try to find a good couple therapist to help you. I think of this like reaching for a rope so that someone can pull you out of a hole that is too deep for you to climb out of alone.
 
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mamareese replied to Leslie Becker-Phelps, PhD's response:
Dr. BP,

That helps, thank you. He has taken verbal responsiblity, but will not stop the technology. We do talk about it, but I definitely need to focus on my feelings instead of letting my hurt turn the conversations into heated arguments. Blogging this is also helping. Your page is great, thank you.
 
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Leslie Becker-Phelps, PhD replied to mamareese's response:
I'm glad this has helped. I hope we can continue to help, if you need it. Good luck.
 
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MarriageandFamilyClinic responded:
It's been my experience as a marriage counselor at The Marriage and Family Clinic that technology can be a great help for relationships especially in the modern world of schedules, calendars and never ending time commitments. Technology is a great way to send a quick "I luv you" message in between meetings just to let your SO know you're thinking about them.

I believe that technology is just another tool for people to use for whatever their pleasure is. If they are committed to their spouse, they will use it to connect with their spouse. If they're committed to themselves and their own fun then they'll use it for themselves which leaves their spouse behind.
 
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mamareese replied to MarriageandFamilyClinic's response:
MarriageandFamilyClinic...

I think you have hit the nail on the head. I need to decide if my husband is committed to us or himself, because he definitely doesn't use technology to connect with me.
 
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Leslie Becker-Phelps, PhD replied to mamareese's response:
I totally agree with you; it's not about the technology itself, but how you use it. I balanced this blog entry with my blog entry last week- How Technology Can Save Your Relationship .

I also really like how directly and succinctly you stated your issue- "I need to decide if my husband is committed to us or himself..." If you stay focused on this, it will hopefully help guide you through this.


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