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Relationship suffering
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An_244040 posted:
My husband and I are at a crossroad, all his doing imho. At this point, I can not bring myself to be comfortable sexually anymore. I am extremely insecure and very depressed. We have 4 children and well I have the "mom body". We have not had sex in months. It did not always used to be like this of course. I never really minded my body after kids as I figured my husband would understand.For awhile when we would have sex, I noticed that right in the middle of the act he would suddenly lose erection and stop. I could not understand this. I kept asking him is it me.One day this happened, and I again asked what was wrong, he told me nothing. I kept pestering and I probably should not have as I was not prepared for what he had to say. He confessed that he could not feel a thing that I was not the same. He chuckled and said that babies did a job down there. I just thought a knife had been thrown at me.It hurt me so badly as I have been doing kegels for 3 years. It was at that point that I found myself inadequate. Even with this new revelation he still initiated sex, but I was no longer receptive. I rejected every advance and he was frustrated which I can not understand given his confession.Fast forward to yesterday, he came to me and said that if we can't fix this we need to divorce. I could not believe the gall. How could someone have said to me what he said and then think that I would just be okay afterwards? I don't know what to do as I can not forget what happened and it just has me where I can't be aroused by him and probably no one else. I don't feel like a woman anymore. I don't want a divorce even though I probably should, but I'm scared to be a single mom, and alone. I just wish he would screw someone else and stay with me. I didn't do this to myself he helped and I can't believe he was so insensitive to me and now wanting to divorce me after he made me feel like this. How do I get over this and just give him what he needs without feeling the anger and sadness?
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fcl responded:
You don't "get over this", you don't "just give him what he needs", you make an appointment with a marriage counsellor and learn how to bring this out in the open and discuss it until you come to a solution rather than continuing to let it fester.
There's nothing inherently dirty about sex, but if you try real hard and use your imagination you can overcome that.
 
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darlyn05 responded:
How old are your children? How old are you and your husband?

Your husband may have early signs of low testasterone or ED, or natural aging of his man member(there is a slideshow here on WebMd that explains it some). If so, maybe he doesn't really know it yet or maybe he does and is embarrassed. As you described how he handled it and the things he said I can't really say that he was out to hurt your feelings. I don't think he was and I think you may be over reacting a bit.

It sounds that you're feeling insecure and self-conscience about your body. Maybe a little too much. Withholding sex for this reason(anger from the hurt) really doesn't get anyone anywhere, meaning there's no resolution to working through it like trying different positions or what not.

Has your sensations changed in anyway while you're aging? Many of us male or female experience this.
 
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Leslie Becker-Phelps, PhD responded:
I think it would help for you to schedule an appointment with a good couple therapist, or a good sex therapist. While it may be obvious what a couple therapist does, the idea of a sex therapist is often intimidating because people don't understand what they do. So, in case you are unfamiliar with sex therapy, let me explain: They can help you improve your sex life by talking with you about your relationship and personal issues that get in the way of your sex life (e.g. body image issues, incorrect and harmful beliefs about sex); and they prescribe activities or exercises to help you improve your sex life. I hope you follow through with some kind of therapy so that you can find happiness again in your marriage.
 
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dfromspencer responded:
Wow! Babies do a job down there? Really? My wife had two babies from down there, and i never "noticed" any difference. If you ask me, i think your husband was a jerk! Has he forgotten? It takes two to tango! If he did not want any changes, he should have wore a condom!

I sincerely hope you take the advice offered here, and go see a therapist. Couples type. And make your husband go.

I wish you only the best, Dennis
 
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loove23 responded:
I feel your pain but if it was me i would say that he was with someone else, i have two kids and my relationship with my husband has not been better, we are more happier now, excited with the family that we are building, we have ups and down but our sex life is great, its like new love......next month will 8 years and it gets better, stop stressing over your husband, he needs to realize that you both played apart in making those wonderful beings, kids are so wonderful and should make your relationship grow stronger, hope you take the advise given......do what you can to make it work....


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