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It's been over a year..
Anon_234655 posted:
It has been almost year (in April) since my relationship with my ex ended, and for me, it's still pretty fresh even after all this time. We were together for almost 6 years, and things did not end on a bad note. I think the reason that we kind of mutually decided to end things was because we were both starting to kind of grow apart because we weren't communicating like we should have, we were taking each other for granted, and we were heading to a very unhappy, unhealthy place.
We did everything the so called"right" way with this relationship in the beginning. We took the time to really get to know each other before jumping the gun. We did not introduce each other to one another's kids for at least 6 months because we wanted to make sure that it was serious, and that we were going to be together. We also didn't make the decision to move in together for a year until we knew it felt, and was the right thing for both of us, and the kids. We were best friends, did everything together, and just enjoyed each others company. It couldn't get any better, except for one thing, he was legally married, but had been separated for over 9 years. He lived here, she lived across the country with the kids. I knew what I was getting into with the relationship in the beginning, but I was under the assumption that the divorce was going to take place in the near future. We had also discussed marriage as well. Well, after 4 years of being together, and no real commitment, I was starting to feel resentment towards him because of it, and it was just building up, and our communication was getting worse. I started to feel unimportant, and our relationship felt as though it was never going to be anymore than what it was.
Needless to say, after the resentment, and arguing not only over the divorce (which was finally taken care of), and other things that typical couples do, it took a toll on us, and we didn't know where to go, or how to handle it, so I guess we kind of agreed to end things. Deep down inside I didn't want to end it, or for him to leave, but I felt as though I almost needed to prove a point with the whole divorce thing too and put my foot down, and say I wasn't going to live like that anymore without a commitment. I regret the decision we made because I knew that deep down neither one of us really wanted it, but we were both so stubborn and had to prove a point. I struggled tremendously and was severly depressed for months...in fact, I still am depressed after all of this time...I can't get over it. We still talk, and we get along great, better than ever. We recently started being intimate again, and I know the feelings are still there for both of us. He is the type of person that does not show much emotion, but he has made comments, and has wanted to talk about why things went wrong with us, and that is not the norm for him. I guess I just don't know what to do...I am still very much in love with this man, and my feelings are still very strong...I don't know how to let go, and to tell you the truth, I don't want to.
We did everything the so called"right" way with this relationship in the beginning. We took the time to really get to know each other before jumping the gun. We did not introduce each other to one another's kids for at least 6 months because we wanted to make sure that it was serious, and that we were going to be together. We also didn't make the decision to move in together for a year until we knew it felt, and was the right thing for both of us, and the kids. We were best friends, did everything together, and just enjoyed each others company. It couldn't get any better, except for one thing, he was legally married, but had been separated for over 9 years. He lived here, she lived across the country with the kids. I knew what I was getting into with the relationship in the beginning, but I was under the assumption that the divorce was going to take place in the near future. We had also discussed marriage as well. Well, after 4 years of being together, and no real commitment, I was starting to feel resentment towards him because of it, and it was just building up, and our communication was getting worse. I started to feel unimportant, and our relationship felt as though it was never going to be anymore than what it was.
Needless to say, after the resentment, and arguing not only over the divorce (which was finally taken care of), and other things that typical couples do, it took a toll on us, and we didn't know where to go, or how to handle it, so I guess we kind of agreed to end things. Deep down inside I didn't want to end it, or for him to leave, but I felt as though I almost needed to prove a point with the whole divorce thing too and put my foot down, and say I wasn't going to live like that anymore without a commitment. I regret the decision we made because I knew that deep down neither one of us really wanted it, but we were both so stubborn and had to prove a point. I struggled tremendously and was severly depressed for months...in fact, I still am depressed after all of this time...I can't get over it. We still talk, and we get along great, better than ever. We recently started being intimate again, and I know the feelings are still there for both of us. He is the type of person that does not show much emotion, but he has made comments, and has wanted to talk about why things went wrong with us, and that is not the norm for him. I guess I just don't know what to do...I am still very much in love with this man, and my feelings are still very strong...I don't know how to let go, and to tell you the truth, I don't want to.
15 Replies |Watch This Discussion | Report This| Share this:It's been over a year..It has been almost year (in April) since my relationship with my ex ended, and for me, it's still pretty fresh even after all this time. We were together for almost 6 years, and things did not end on a bad note. I think the reason that we kind of mutually decided to end things was because we were both starting to kind of grow apart because we weren't communicating like we should have, we were taking each other for granted, and we were heading to a very unhappy, unhealthy place. <br /> <br />We did everything the so called"right" way with this relationship in the beginning. We took the time to really get to know each other before jumping the gun. We did not introduce each other to one another's kids for at least 6 months because we wanted to make sure that it was serious, and that we were going to be together. We also didn't make the decision to move in together for a year until we knew it felt, and was the right thing for both of us, and the kids. We were best friends, did everything together, and just enjoyed each others company. It couldn't get any better, except for one thing, he was legally married, but had been separated for over 9 years. He lived here, she lived across the country with the kids. I knew what I was getting into with the relationship in the beginning, but I was under the assumption that the divorce was going to take place in the near future. We had also discussed marriage as well. Well, after 4 years of being together, and no real commitment, I was starting to feel resentment towards him because of it, and it was just building up, and our communication was getting worse. I started to feel unimportant, and our relationship felt as though it was never going to be anymore than what it was. <br /> <br />Needless to say, after the resentment, and arguing not only over the divorce (which was finally taken care of), and other things that typical couples do, it took a toll on us, and we didn't know where to go, or how to handle it, so I guess we kind of agreed to end things. Deep down inside I didn't want to end it, or for him to leave, but I felt as though I almost needed to prove a point with the whole divorce thing too and put my foot down, and say I wasn't going to live like that anymore without a commitment. I regret the decision we made because I knew that deep down neither one of us really wanted it, but we were both so stubborn and had to prove a point. I struggled tremendously and was severly depressed for months...in fact, I still am depressed after all of this time...I can't get over it. We still talk, and we get along great, better than ever. We recently started being intimate again, and I know the feelings are still there for both of us. He is the type of person that does not show much emotion, but he has made comments, and has wanted to talk about why things went wrong with us, and that is not the norm for him. I guess I just don't know what to do...I am still very much in love with this man, and my feelings are still very strong...I don't know how to let go, and to tell you the truth, I don't want to.
IDKJL responded:
Go for it! Talk it out....what do you have to lose?
ajohnson08099 replied to IDKJL's response:
Well, why do you need to let go if you are still in some sort of a relationship with this man? Its really up to you whether you want to Try and patch things up (It seems like you do) or to try and leave this man in the past. But if you are wanting to let him go you can't continue an intimate relationship that just confuses the heart. I would sit down and talk to him. I don't see why you can't make it work if its a mutual decision.
As much as it hurts its good that you put your foot down about the divorce, but you need to make sure that he doesn't resent you for doing that.
If you are really wanting to let go of him, you've got to seperate yourself from him. You need to give yourself more time to heal from the seperation. You need to be able to explain to him why you need that distance as well or he will probably chase you.
Best of luck!
As much as it hurts its good that you put your foot down about the divorce, but you need to make sure that he doesn't resent you for doing that.
If you are really wanting to let go of him, you've got to seperate yourself from him. You need to give yourself more time to heal from the seperation. You need to be able to explain to him why you need that distance as well or he will probably chase you.
Best of luck!
Report This| Share this:It's been over a year..Well, why do you need to let go if you are still in some sort of a relationship with this man? Its really up to you whether you want to <i>Try</i> and patch things up (It seems like you do) or to try and leave this man in the past. But if you are wanting to let him go you can't continue an intimate relationship that just confuses the heart. I would sit down and talk to him. I don't see why you can't make it work if its a mutual decision.<br /> <br />As much as it hurts its good that you put your foot down about the divorce, but you need to make sure that he doesn't resent you for doing that.<br /> <br />If you are really wanting to let go of him, you've got to seperate yourself from him. You need to give yourself more time to heal from the seperation. You need to be able to explain to him why you need that distance as well or he will probably chase you.<br /> <br />Best of luck!
FCL responded:
OK, so you don't want to let go and it souinds as if he doesn't either. Then why let go? If I were you I'd be making my first appointment with a counsellor to help my relationship get back on its feet in the healthiest manner possible 
Have yoiu discussed this possibility with your ex? Please do. Don't just assume that it's all over and can't be helped.
Have yoiu discussed this possibility with your ex? Please do. Don't just assume that it's all over and can't be helped.There's nothing inherently dirty about sex, but if you try real hard and use your imagination you can overcome that.
Report This| Share this:It's been over a year..OK, so you don't want to let go and it souinds as if he doesn't either. Then why let go? If I were you I'd be making my first appointment with a counsellor to help my relationship get back on its feet in the healthiest manner possible <img src="http://img.webmd.com/community/images/smile.gif" align="top" border="0"> Have yoiu discussed this possibility with your ex? Please do. Don't just assume that it's all over and can't be helped.
Leslie Becker-Phelps, PhD responded:
If you are in love with him, believe he is in love with you, see that the two of you are communicating in ways you did not do before (and communication was the big problem that separated you), then why are you thinking that you need to let go of him now?
Report This| Share this:It's been over a year..If you are in love with him, believe he is in love with you, see that the two of you are communicating in ways you did not do before (and communication was the big problem that separated you), then why are you thinking that you need to let go of him now?
Anon_234655 replied to ajohnson08099's response:
I understand what you are saying, and I have struggled with this for a long time now. I don't know that I was very clear in my post now that I went back and read it. We have been separated for almost a year now, and just recently became intimate again.
We would talk off and on throughout the time we have been separated, also exhange pictures of each other, and once in a great while, we would get togther and hang out. We were never intimate up until now. He has never been one to talk about his feelings, and recently he has been asking me about my dating life, why certain things went wrong with our relationship, and he has also been the one to contact me more so than me contacting him. So he seems to be the one taking more of an interest lately, which seems different, and somewhat out of character for him.
I know that everyone says I need more time to heal and get over things, but after this long, I still can't "get over it", and I like I said, I don't want to get over it, I never really did want to. Him and I really need to sit down and talk and figure things out, or we really need to separate ourselves once and for all, and stop contacting each other. By keeping in touch, it's only creating false hope, and making things more complicated if nothing is going to come out of this.
We would talk off and on throughout the time we have been separated, also exhange pictures of each other, and once in a great while, we would get togther and hang out. We were never intimate up until now. He has never been one to talk about his feelings, and recently he has been asking me about my dating life, why certain things went wrong with our relationship, and he has also been the one to contact me more so than me contacting him. So he seems to be the one taking more of an interest lately, which seems different, and somewhat out of character for him.
I know that everyone says I need more time to heal and get over things, but after this long, I still can't "get over it", and I like I said, I don't want to get over it, I never really did want to. Him and I really need to sit down and talk and figure things out, or we really need to separate ourselves once and for all, and stop contacting each other. By keeping in touch, it's only creating false hope, and making things more complicated if nothing is going to come out of this.
Report This| Share this:It's been over a year..I understand what you are saying, and I have struggled with this for a long time now. I don't know that I was very clear in my post now that I went back and read it. We have been separated for almost a year now, and just recently became intimate again. <br /> <br />We would talk off and on throughout the time we have been separated, also exhange pictures of each other, and once in a great while, we would get togther and hang out. We were never intimate up until now. He has never been one to talk about his feelings, and recently he has been asking me about my dating life, why certain things went wrong with our relationship, and he has also been the one to contact me more so than me contacting him. So he seems to be the one taking more of an interest lately, which seems different, and somewhat out of character for him. <br /> <br />I know that everyone says I need more time to heal and get over things, but after this long, I still can't "get over it", and I like I said, I don't want to get over it, I never really did want to. Him and I really need to sit down and talk and figure things out, or we really need to separate ourselves once and for all, and stop contacting each other. By keeping in touch, it's only creating false hope, and making things more complicated if nothing is going to come out of this.
He has made comments about how we are not compatible and the "we tried" excuse, but you can't tell me that people stay in relationships for six years if they feel that they are not compatible. He also made the comment that he would NOT have ended things any sooner, so he is pretty much contradicting himself by making that comment. I understand that some men, or people in general, are not good at talking about feelings, and I think that he is using it as an excuse, and as a cop out. His actions, and other words say different, and then again, I don't want to assume anything. He told me his feelings are still fresh, and they are still there, so why he chooses to run from them, I don't know, but I am not one to force the issue either. Both of us have grown a lot in the last year since we have been separated, and I have been doing a lot of self improvement, and working on things that I feel have contributed to some of the other issues in the relationship, or just my relationships throughout my life in general. I have learned a lot about myself, and I have learned to look at things from different perspectives, but it's always nice to get other's input as well.
Report This| Share this:It's been over a year..He has made comments about how we are not compatible and the "we tried" excuse, but you can't tell me that people stay in relationships for six years if they feel that they are not compatible. He also made the comment that he would NOT have ended things any sooner, so he is pretty much contradicting himself by making that comment. I understand that some men, or people in general, are not good at talking about feelings, and I think that he is using it as an excuse, and as a cop out. His actions, and other words say different, and then again, I don't want to assume anything. He told me his feelings are still fresh, and they are still there, so why he chooses to run from them, I don't know, but I am not one to force the issue either. Both of us have grown a lot in the last year since we have been separated, and I have been doing a lot of self improvement, and working on things that I feel have contributed to some of the other issues in the relationship, or just my relationships throughout my life in general. I have learned a lot about myself, and I have learned to look at things from different perspectives, but it's always nice to get other's input as well.
Then confront him. Give him one last chance. Ask him where he thinks your relationship is going. Ask him where he WANTS your relationship to be going. Ask him if he is going to give up that easily after a bump (that is a BIG red flag ... if he isn't willing to work something through, if every time there's a problem he throws his apron over his head and starts fetal rocking ...) in the road. Tell him you're prepared to go to counselling. If he says that it's over then it's his loss. Stop all communication with him and all sexual relations. He has made it clear that you are just a booty call for you. Walk away with your head held high
There's nothing inherently dirty about sex, but if you try real hard and use your imagination you can overcome that.
Report This| Share this:It's been over a year..Then confront him. Give him one last chance. Ask him where he thinks your relationship is going. Ask him where he WANTS your relationship to be going. Ask him if he is going to give up that easily after a bump (that is a BIG red flag ... if he isn't willing to work something through, if every time there's a problem he throws his apron over his head and starts fetal rocking ...) in the road. Tell him you're prepared to go to counselling. If he says that it's over then it's his loss. Stop all communication with him and all sexual relations. He has made it clear that you are just a booty call for you. Walk away with your head held high
work5 responded:
I listen to you and it sounds like me. I have been with the most wonderful man I have ever met. My trouble is. 1. his ex wife is mentally ill and lives in his house. 2. she does not know about me.3 he can not have his phone on cause she might get my number and call me. 4. he does not want to loose me and i am with him from friday nite till sunday nite.5. she has never called him and told him to come home due to her being sick or afraid of something. 6 he treats me with respect, love and treats me like every woman should be treated in life. .she has not family and no one but him. he suffers from bio-polar-depress and schziphrenia(sorry on spelling. ) I adore him love him and respect him. But I want more. I waited 7 yrs for a man like him to come into my life. I know that she is sick and lately I have felt like just telling him.. He has to make her live in a life of reality.. She can meet me as a friend or past co worker or what ever. I am not wanting to spend the nite.After almost 5 yrs.. What am I ?
Report This| Share this:It's been over a year..I listen to you and it sounds like me. I have been with the most wonderful man I have ever met. My trouble is. 1. his ex wife is mentally ill and lives in his house. 2. she does not know about me.3 he can not have his phone on cause she might get my number and call me. 4. he does not want to loose me and i am with him from friday nite till sunday nite.5. she has never called him and told him to come home due to her being sick or afraid of something. 6 he treats me with respect, love and treats me like every woman should be treated in life. .she has not family and no one but him. he suffers from bio-polar-depress and schziphrenia(sorry on spelling. ) I adore him love him and respect him. But I want more. I waited 7 yrs for a man like him to come into my life. I know that she is sick and lately I have felt like just telling him.. He has to make her live in a life of reality.. She can meet me as a friend or past co worker or what ever. I am not wanting to spend the nite.After almost 5 yrs.. What am I ?
DfromSpencer responded:
I know this is late, but what are you doing? Why would you want to end things with this man? He did get the divorce, that is what you wanted, right? SOOOO? Get busy and do it! Life is so short. Dont put off something you both clearly want! Stop messing with your own head. Just go for it!
Report This| Share this:It's been over a year..I know this is late, but what are you doing? Why would you want to end things with this man? He did get the divorce, that is what you wanted, right? SOOOO? Get busy and do it! Life is so short. Dont put off something you both clearly want! Stop messing with your own head. Just go for it!
DfromSpencer replied to work5's response:
I happened to catch your reply. I could tell you what you are, but i think you already know? No matter if his WIFE is sick or not, he should not be with you. As long as he is living with her as his wife, you are the "other woman". I feel that what you both are doing is wrong. If he cant, or dont want to divorce his wife, what does that tell you???
You sound like a really nice, caring person? Why not find a man that can be with you, and only you? That way, he can focus all of his life on you. And you will be the one and only, like it should be.
I know it will be hard at first, but you have to dump this guy. You will be alot happier with someone of your own.
Good luck!
You sound like a really nice, caring person? Why not find a man that can be with you, and only you? That way, he can focus all of his life on you. And you will be the one and only, like it should be.
I know it will be hard at first, but you have to dump this guy. You will be alot happier with someone of your own.
Good luck!
Report This| Share this:It's been over a year..I happened to catch your reply. I could tell you what you are, but i think you already know? No matter if his WIFE is sick or not, he should not be with you. As long as he is living with her as his wife, you are the "other woman". I feel that what you both are doing is wrong. If he cant, or dont want to divorce his wife, what does that tell you??? <br /> <br />You sound like a really nice, caring person? Why not find a man that can be with you, and only you? That way, he can focus all of his life on you. And you will be the one and only, like it should be.<br /> <br />I know it will be hard at first, but you have to dump this guy. You will be alot happier with someone of your own.<br /> <br />Good luck!
FCL replied to DfromSpencer's response:
DfromSpencer, I think you misunderstood her post. He IS divorced. The poster has even seen the papers (because she didn't believe him). He's divorced and still living with his ex-wife because she's sick. It might help to read over some of the posters past posts...
There's nothing inherently dirty about sex, but if you try real hard and use your imagination you can overcome that.
Report This| Share this:It's been over a year..DfromSpencer, I think you misunderstood her post. He IS divorced. The poster has even seen the papers (because she didn't believe him). He's divorced and still living with his ex-wife because she's sick. It might help to read over some of the posters past posts...
work5 replied to DfromSpencer's response:
Thanks for you advice. No he is divored and has been. I knew about this situation the first nite I met him. I saw the divorce papers myself. She has not one family member to help take care of her at all. I know that it is hard to understand, and I do not understand myself. This man and I love each other alot and yes your right I should move on and find someone. I do have a limit on things. Trouble is that he is so good to me and we get along. Yes I wish she were just gone.
Report This| Share this:It's been over a year..Thanks for you advice. No he is divored and has been. I knew about this situation the first nite I met him. I saw the divorce papers myself. She has not one family member to help take care of her at all. I know that it is hard to understand, and I do not understand myself. This man and I love each other alot and yes your right I should move on and find someone. I do have a limit on things. Trouble is that he is so good to me and we get along. Yes I wish she were just gone.
Thanks for your words. Wish this man was not so great.! I am almost at the point to tell him that either I come to his house and meet her, not as a girlfriend. And if he tells me no that can not happen. I will tell him then maybe she needs to be somewhere that if she does freak then someone eles can take care of her. It is hard very hard on me. I try to be strong.. Not easy. Thanks
Report This| Share this:It's been over a year..Thanks for your words. Wish this man was not so great.! I am almost at the point to tell him that either I come to his house and meet her, not as a girlfriend. And if he tells me no that can not happen. I will tell him then maybe she needs to be somewhere that if she does freak then someone eles can take care of her. It is hard very hard on me. I try to be strong.. Not easy. Thanks
work5 replied to DfromSpencer's response:
I have seen the divorce papers myself. She has no family and no where to go. I just want to go to his house and meet her.I am about to end the relationship after 5 yrs. I love him, but I need to be first.
Report This| Share this:It's been over a year..I have seen the divorce papers myself. She has no family and no where to go. I just want to go to his house and meet her.I am about to end the relationship after 5 yrs. I love him, but I need to be first.
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