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Are you in a healthy relationship?
Leslie Becker-Phelps, PhD posted:
Below are a few of the hallmarks of healthy relationships:

Feel accepted and loved: Both you and your partner feel fully accepted and loved for who you are. This is true even when you disagree.

Appreciate the relationship: You both value your relationship and hold it as a priority in your lives. You also devote enough time to nurture and enjoy it.

Trust: You and your partner trust each other to act in ways supportive of the relationship. You also trust each other to be emotionally available when needed.

As you look at these signs, carefully consider each of them. Are they characteristic of your relationship? Or, are there other signs in your relationship that tell you that it is healthy or unhealthy? As always you can read this and all of Dr. Becker-Phels Blogs on The Art of Relationships.
An_244884 responded:
Im 33 years old married almost 11 years all together 15 years with my husband. I grew up in an abusive home watched my mom be a victim of domestic violence. I was verbally abused and put down allot. I too was a victim of domestic violence and verbal abuse. I am not proud nor accept it. I was cheated on when we separated but still committed, when I found out he blamed me for being fat and ugly a looser and no one of interest. Well it hurt but I lived. We eventually did give it another shot had another baby , making this 2 kids now. I find out he was going to lunch with a coworker and saying he is single, broke up with baby momma! His hobbies are music work and working out. He likes to come and go as he wants. Never asks if he can do or go any where. I get no support in any goals or spends quality time with me. When he is home either asleep, in his studio, or on the phone texting web. If I interrupt him for get he screams at me. I gained weight after the baby, I stay home now. I Never get any money for clothing or treats from him. Yet he puts me down on my loos dressing and I am no one . If I try to tell him he needs my approval to do things he immediately says he doesn't ask me for money or I give him anything so I have no say. I am always home, yet he can do all he wants. I recently told him I cannot continue this I am lonely, sad, and feel unwanted. I have anger towards him ...then a girl posted a web page with them together...., and he does not care. I don't hear ever from him that he loves me. All the time he says he is not into me, not in love and I am not good looking. I am stupid for sticking around so long. I have no self esteem, and I want to overcome all this emotions and trauma. I am depressed and feel I deserve happiness and success.....but don't know how where and what to do go or start.please help me advice me and I do need to get over all the BS for my kids, and myself...
darlyn05 replied to An_244884's response:
Hey An_244884,I've listed some phone numbers and a link below that you may find useful. Your situation does not sound at all healthy for anyone involved. Most importantly for you or the children. It seems that unknowingly you're instinctively following the pattern in which you grew up in and am trying to break that cycle. If you can contact one of the numbers listed below they should be able to offer some guidance. Are you able to emotionally detach yourself from your husband? If so, I think that may be a good place to start in gaining your esteem and self worth back. Think of the old childrens saying "Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me". And imagine that in your hand you hold a pair of invisible magic scissors, use your two fingers, when you're thinking of or remembering the things he says and does, use those scissors to cut the rope that binds you and at that moment say "Snip". You can do that when he is talking as well (maybe not right in front of him if there's a chance he'll get physical). And by all means keep posting on here. Domestic and Child Abuse
darlyn05 replied to An_244884's response:
Another idea, you want to wash your hands of him and the situation, you want to feel better about yourself. so get up and go wash your hands. Literally! If you have soap that also has moisturizer in it you'll be pampering your self esteem and worth at the same time.

All this may sound silly and at the same time doing something physical instead of thinking it actually produces more or better results.
Leslie Becker-Phelps, PhD replied to darlyn05's response:
An_244884, darlyn05 has provided some wonderful resources and ideas for you. Please try calling the numbers and see if you can find personal counseling where you can go in person. Having this kind of support can be especially helpful in getting yourself going in a positive direction. And, please let us know how things go so that we can continue to help you, too.

Remember, you deserve better... and if that's hard to hold onto, then begin making healthier choices for your children (hopefully, caring more about yourself will come in time).

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