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Does your partner help you feel calm and safe?
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Leslie Becker-Phelps, PhD posted:
Science and experience tell us that when two people meld into one couple, they become part of each other's system of emotional regulation. That is, they affect each other's emotions; and ideally work together to help each other feel safe and grounded.


Have you found this to be true in your relationships?


For instance: Do you feel more or less tense as you return to meet your partner after being away from each other for a day or longer? When you are particularly distressed, can you calm yourself by looking into your partner's eyes and then sharing in an extended hug? Or, does your partner's touch or smile help to calm you even when you are arguing? As always you can read this and all of Dr. Becker-Phels Blogs on The Art of Relationships.
2 Replies |Watch This Discussion | Report This| Share this:Does your partner help you feel calm and safe?Science and experience tell us that when two people meld into one couple, they become part of each other's system of emotional regulation. That is, they affect each other's emotions; and ideally work together to help each other feel safe and grounded. <br /><br /><br />Have you found this to be true in your relationships? <br /><br /><br />For instance: Do you feel more or less tense as you return to meet your partner after being away from each other for a day or longer? When you are particularly distressed, can you calm yourself by looking into your partner's eyes and then sharing in an extended hug? Or, does your partner's touch or smile help to calm you even when you are arguing? As always you can read this and all of Dr. Becker-Phels Blogs on <a href="http://blogs.webmd.com/art-of-relationships/2012/04/how-partners-can-help-each-other-feel-good.html">The Art of Relationships. </a>
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BalconyBelle responded:
Absolutely--the only exception is when we're arguing, I don't want to be touched, and if he smiles when I'm trying to explain that there's a problem, the argument will escalate because I'll feel he either isn't listening, or isn't taking me seriously.

In all other areas, being around him, seeing him, talking with him, being able to touch him and be touched him are enough to make me feel better. If I'm stressed, angry, bitter, or sad, just being near him is enough to get me on a more even keel--no matter what going's on in my life, I'll suddenly realize that I can handle it after all. If I'm in pain, having him hold me makes it more manageable, if I'm depressed, talking with him is enough to give me a lift, and if I'm already happy or content, being with or in contact with the person I love is enough to make me glow.
Report This| Share this:Does your partner help you feel calm and safe?Absolutely--the only exception is when we're arguing, I don't want to be touched, and if he smiles when I'm trying to explain that there's a problem, the argument will escalate because I'll feel he either isn't listening, or isn't taking me seriously. <br /><br />In all other areas, being around him, seeing him, talking with him, being able to touch him and be touched him are enough to make me feel better. If I'm stressed, angry, bitter, or sad, just being near him is enough to get me on a more even keel--no matter what going's on in my life, I'll suddenly realize that I can handle it after all. If I'm in pain, having him hold me makes it more manageable, if I'm depressed, talking with him is enough to give me a lift, and if I'm already happy or content, being with or in contact with the person I love is enough to make me glow.
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An_244920 responded:
I want it to be true, but am struggling. I am in a fairly new relationship of a few years with a man I went with long ago in high school. I want us to be close but he comes with some issues around trust, touching and talking. I actually feel more stressed around him rather than happier....not what I am seeking in life at my age.

I know I 'should' keep giving him positive support to generate the reactions I seek, but it is like trying to cuddle a porcipine. It is exhausting. Can people change that sort of pattern at 60?
Report This| Share this:Does your partner help you feel calm and safe?I want it to be true, but am struggling. I am in a fairly new relationship of a few years with a man I went with long ago in high school. I want us to be close but he comes with some issues around trust, touching and talking. I actually feel more stressed around him rather than happier....not what I am seeking in life at my age.<br><br>I know I 'should' keep giving him positive support to generate the reactions I seek, but it is like trying to cuddle a porcipine. It is exhausting. Can people change that sort of pattern at 60?
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