Relationships and Coping Community

I am not really sure what advice to give you, but I know that I have had similar feelings before, and the relationship I was in didn't work out for other reasons.

I think the two of you need to communicate with each other, and at least know how the other feels about the relationship, especially him and if he doesn't know about how you are feeling. I don't know your entire situation, but why not give it a chance?

I read a really good book the other day, and I know many posters here have read it as well..it's called the 5 Love Languages. I think it would help you, and give you some insight. Have your sginificant other read it as well. Good Luck to you both, and best wishes : )

It saddens me to hear about your situation-- broken dreams and marriages are painful. And, it makes me wonder about a couple of things.

Do you have it in you to still try to hold the marriage together if he works with you? If so, then the next question is whether he has a desire to get things back on track.

Together, the answers to these two questions will tell you whether there is anything to work on. That will at least point you in the direction of whether you want to try to repair the marriage or move on.

Wow, this is a tough one! First, if you still want him as your husband, you will need to tell him how you feel. He may be clueless as to your feelings. You know how us guys are! We need to be hit upside the head sometimes, before we understand a womeans feelings! So, hit him upside the head with this!

Second, how do you feel about all this? Do you still want to be together with HIM, or are you having feelings for someone else? Something new? Exciting? Doesn't matter, you still have to talk with your husband!

If you want those things you stated, you have to tell him. Communication is the key! If he still loves you, like it sounds he does, talk to him. If he loves you, HE will want to dine you, dance with you, and make romance with you.

If a man loves a women, he will do whatever he has to, to prove that to you. I know that for a fact! I've done that very same thing. Unfortunately, i get carried away, and blow it every time! I'm told i romance way too much. Hopefully, your husband will get just the right amount for you?

Good luck! Dennis

Thanks for you guys trying to help. I have discussed this with him, extensively! Since early this year, we have talked and talked about it. He knows what has made me unhappy, he says he's sorry, but he was always just being lazy, and never knew it would turn me from him in the long run. He's just not the romantic type, not loving, and just not sweet. I have not ever cheated on him, nor has he on me, but I wonder what may be out there. I'm 44 yrs old, and i stay active, look good, get noticed by 25 yr old guys, and while i'm not necessarily wanting them, I wonder how happy i could be all alone, and in the furture if the man of my dreams is out there. I want to fall asleep in someones arms, I know there has to be a man that likes to cuddle, and yes, I would have sex every single night too. My husband is like 100 lbs overweight, and yes, that bothers me too, and not just his weight, but the fact that he cares less if he's healthy or not! I'm scared too death of being single too- I am not the bar type of girl, i like being at home. I'm just scared that i will make a bad decission, and also I dont trust myself in the future. Its just sad to me, that my hopes and dreams may in fact be over. I never expected this, never looked for these feelings, but IT just happened, and over the past 2 yrs, i'm just not feeling the same about me. He talks pretty good to me, but when i mention that it may be over: he gets so mad, calls me stupid bitch, and worse! how do you love someone, and say those things. Ive never done that even when i'm mad. DENNIS_ i know he will attempt to do things, BUT its just not his personality to be gentle, sweet, loving.. AND while people will try things early on in a relationship- i dont think they try very hard after yrs together. Im just afraid- afraid of what my future holds: and afraid to stay and be 55 and still miserable!! I want the next part of my life happy!!! anyone been remotely there?

Sorry that you feel the way you do but I have a few questions and a few points to make. He has clearly been this way his whole life and yet you say you loved him up until two years ago; what happened to change the way you feel? What has changed to create this situation, you or him? Divorce isn't any easy start life over from here situation. You need to consider how it will impact your relationship with your daughters and members of the family you care about. Another consideration is how you are set up financially. The last point I would make is are you sure this is a permanent situation or is it something temporary that you would regret leaving a couple of years from now.

I have a personal view on marriage that I want to separate from my advice but I do what to add it in case it is the help you need. Marriage is a forever thing for me. We promised to stay with our partners through sickness and health, whether rich or poor so one thing to consider is what does marriage mean to you. I am lucky that despite some hard times I still love my wife after 26 years of marriage. There are been times I could have filed for divorce and ended things but looking back they were temporary situations and I just need time to let things work themselves out. I do know that if I didn't feel love any more I would still stay married and treat her as well as I possibly could. I wish you well and hope you will consider all aspects of your life before making a final decision.

I have ben almost exactly there! Married 10 years, we were young when we got together and I have enough love, affection, and energy for about 3 people so it took me a little while to realize that my new husband was perfectly fine with me making all of the decisions about our whole life! From what to have for dinner to home purchases. All the while he would blissfuly sit in front of the TV while I planned our whole life with out even a drop of input from him, untill he decided he did not like exactly how something turned out, then it was a huge fight with name calling and accusations.
He lost his job about 2 years in and got depressed, a lazy unemployed spouse is about the most frusterating thing you can imagine. He put on an unhealthy amount of weight and started smoking 2 packs of cigarettes a day. He then depended on me to find him a job while I was working 2 to try and make ends meet. Dinner was never made when I got home the house always a wreck and he was getting more and more detached from even his own family. He did find a job but never did snap out of the depression. I tried everything that I could think of. We got ATV's so that we would have things to do together, that did not work he always had an excuse as to why we could not go ride, anything that he showed interest in I tried to endulge, if for no other reason than to try to connect with my husband. It did not ever work because he did not want to connect with me. I then realized that it was because he was happy with the way things were!
That I did not understand......at all! We barley spoke and had all seperate hobbies, kids never happened for us and that was also a sore spot in our relationship. I told him that I was lonley and wanted a partner in life, he would do some things for a few weeks but then it was always right back to the same patterns. I knew it was time for it to end when I started resenting him for just being himself and that was not fair to him. I needed to accept who he was and then decide if that person was right for me. I did accept that but then the hard reality set in that we were just not compatiable and he did not want to change.
We did decide to split after lots of talking and soul searching on both parts. He is a good person that will make someone very happy but I was just not that someone. It was a really scarry thing to step out on my own but has been the greatest adventure of my life. I am a stronger more secure woman now with a very clear idea of what I want and need from my future partner.
I wish you all the best in your own journey.

I was married for 29 years....I could have written the exact words you did. I finally left, life is too short to not be happy. I now have a man that shows me love, affection & the most fantastic sex I have ever had. Was it hard at first..yes...was it worth it...absolutely!!

Hi happimom,

Well I'm in a very similar situation. My husband has not touched me physically in almost three years now, prior to that approximately twice in the previous four years.

All in all I have had zero love or affection from him in seven years. I'm at the end of my rope, I can't cope anymore either. I'm ready to leave, I don't want to, I want to get our marriage back on track, however, my H is not interested in doing so. When I try to talk with him about it he just sighs and say's "here we go again....sex" then he starts a row and storms off. I don't approach the subject constantly every few months to no avail. He say's he loves me and that I complete him??? however, he doesn't want us to have a love life, he doesn't want to talk about it, and he flat out refuses to consider counsil.

He doesn't even want to kiss me, just a peck leaving and returning from work. It's gotten that bad anymore that, I feel even if he did come back to me, I'm not sure that I really want it. I feel so rejected and have lost all of my confidence. I've never cheated on him or him me with the exception of him being trashed in a bar with his daughter and drooling all over her friend and feeling her leg up. I was at home watching his grandchildren. (we are both in second marriages, hence "his" grandchildren).

He keeps saying he will try, his way is to buy an expensive gift and think everything will be ok! I've told him what I want and need doesn't cost money, I just want to feel wanted and like a woman by my husband. This is a really long story and there wouldn't be enough characters for me to post it all. I am desperately lonely and need advice also. You are not alone, believe me, I just don't think it could get any worse. I welcome any advice also. Thanks to all for reading and I wish I could help you. hugs.

you sound exactly like myself!! i hate being with him, yet feeling lonely. he has had many many years to treat me good, to offer his touch and compassion when i have needed it the most. Its Mothers Day weekend, and all i want to do is get in my car and drive, drive so far away from him, this town, our home, etc..i want to feel, really feel life, and to one day be loved like i can love someone,, and i honest;y feel so so cheated. i feel like he used me, and like he never listened to me, etc. and i am scared of all of that beyond belief. He was my 2nd boyfriend, and all that i have ever known.The prior posted "justbegin" made me smile.. that is what i want to be able to say in a few years.. having children adds so much more to this... thanks, and i too, and very sorry for your pain. This hurts me beyond belief!!