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Too close for comfort? Or, Not Close Enough?
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Leslie Becker-Phelps, PhD posted:
Some people can't seem to get close enough to their partner. Others are more comfortable with a bit of distance. And, frequently, these two kinds of people find each other; forming a relationship that leaves the intimacy-seeking person frequently pulling for more connection and the more avoidant person trying to get a bit more space.


How have you and your partner negotiated this difference? What has worked? And, what has only caused more problems? For more information on Relationships visit Dr. Becker-Phelps blog at The Art of Relationships.
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wendykjs responded:
All I know is that this is where my marraige is at. I've got alot more going on too, with an invisible illness to add into the equation, and now I wish there was a way out of this mess of a "relationship" I'm in. Two kids, disability to unemployment, and no relationship. I've enabled him to treat me this way over the years. Now with no employment and difficulty to function, plus add in kids and one with mental disabilities, that we adopted from his side of the family, I feel stuck in this disaster of depression. Thank God that I can stay positive and healthy in order to carry on! I had to, for my kids, or else it was to give up. Now our relationship is on the up, but it's fake. Sorry everyone, I wasn't sure what area of the website to write this but it feels good to say it. And with hopes someone with some good advice might reply!
 
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sa_guitarplayer replied to wendykjs's response:
Wendy... no real advice from me, other than "writing" is GREAT therapy for me.
Start a blog... and just type away !!! Sometimes even just writing in a private document is helpful.
Not sure why... it just helps !!

Hope it all works out for you.
 
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Leslie Becker-Phelps, PhD replied to wendykjs's response:
I'm glad you've shared here. Reaching out for support and understanding may be one of the best things you can do. I hope you have people in your life to support you, too-- and that you reach out to them. If not, I suggest you think of ways to connect with people. In the meantime, please keep sharing here. You might even want to start your own discussion for people to respond to.
 
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rhondamay responded:
I joined the WebMd boards because I thought I had something to add that may help someone with problems they face. I find that I really can't unless it is something quite obvious. I just don't have the experience. Couple problems are alien to me.

I feel I have lived an extremely pampered life although I have always been in a working class home with moderate financial resources. I married at 18 to a young construction worker (21 years old) and we grew up together. We had two wonderful children that we raised to be amazing adults. Both of them are college graduates and have made great choices in choosing their mates. They both have wonderful children that we dearly love. In nearly thirty-five years of marriage we have never had any real crises in our marriage. My husband is kind and affectionate (also sexy) and spoils me daily. Since before we were married in a Las Vegas wedding chapel, my guy has given me flowers on every conceivable anniversary--- birthday, Mothers' Day, Valentines' Day and even the anniversary of our engagement. A few times I have gotten them "just because." He has never forgotten a meaningful date. He has always shared in the housework and does his share of the cooking.

We have been separated at times when my husband's work took him out of town but we always took it in stride and made the best of it. We have had some health issues and problems with family members (his mother) but always kept a united front and I have always felt so secure and so blessed. Trust has never been an issue. Yes my spouse makes me feel safe and is a calming influence. I can talk to him about anything with no hesitation and I do. I feel we are very close and the closness is very reassuring.
 
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lostlove2011 replied to rhondamay's response:
always wanted a cuddly husband, but i ended up with a distant, cold natured, non affectionate type.. one of the main resaons we are having trouble now... if i ever, ever get another husband, he will want to cuddle, touch, nad never not touch me in some way.. i could NEVER get enough affection!!
 
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Leslie Becker-Phelps, PhD replied to rhondamay's response:
PLEASE continue to share on this board. You most definitely have something valuable to add. By sharing the experience that you just wrote about, you shared a different and positive perspective - and that's valuable. You may find that there are struggles that you and your husband have navigated well (every couple has some difficulties at times) that others are struggling with now; and sharing how you got through it can also be very helpful. And, you have current or future, and by sharing them here, others can be there for you, too.
 
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darlyn05 replied to rhondamay's response:
Ditto - what Dr Becker-Phelps wrote.


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