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alone,no sex life, resentful towards my husband
lonesomedove87 posted:
Im a 26 year old who has been married almost 2 years. I was a virgin when I got married. My husband is 5 yrs older and was also a virgin. I was a virgin due to a strict religious upbringing that (in my teen years) I realized was smart and made perfect sense for me.I remained a virgin because it seemed logical to me and I believed in my heart it was best (for me). I have no regrets regarding that choice. My husband said he was raised with a upbringing where he just "remembers" it being told that it was wrong to have sex before marriage, so he waited. I personally think theres more to it for him.
Moving on from this main point..Im so unhappy. My husband became a sheriff deputy immediately after our wedding. He was thrown into the night shift first thing (as most rookies are). He was thrown into training and intense workouts. I know it was hard on him. Hes in great shape and we both have a love for being healthy and working out daily (though hes stopped due to work). Over a year later...hes still on night shift. He sleeps all day. Even on the days hes already had a full night/days rest. I know the schedule is hard,, but even when he has weekends off, he sleeps all day. Im alone. I feel like I had hopes of a best friend. A partner to grow with. To bond with.To enjoy time with. Its vanished before Ive even had a chance to hold it.
Our honeymoon we didnt have sex the first week. Matter of fact, the first night, I laid in bed wondering if he would grab me or try and sexily touch me. Nadda. Nothing. He slept. (on HIS side). Once we tried, he couldnt perform. He was wearing condoms and said it was ruining it for him. He tried without and I used foam. He still couldnt keep "it".
Since this first week of our marriage, our sex life has been virtually nonexistent. Its rare to have sex once every month. Its rare (when we do) that he stays hard and that it doesnt either end with him going limp in me after 1 1/2 minutes or him finishing in 4. Ive never had a orgasm with him. I've never felt truly wanted and true passion...when we were dating, it was so different. He was agressive and passionate and took charge (with kissing and just being affectionate). I never expected my married life to be this way.
I want out. I feel ashamed and embarressed. I hate that he has this job. Im jealous of it. Even though Im proud of what hes accomplished, I hate him for choosing this over us. I just feel like Im at my breaking point. I dont feel loved, wanted, appreciated or even that he cares. Ive spoken to him but he gets defensive. I try to communicate effectively with loving, genuine concern. But...no good. Never turns out. Help. I just dont know what to do.
Moving on from this main point..Im so unhappy. My husband became a sheriff deputy immediately after our wedding. He was thrown into the night shift first thing (as most rookies are). He was thrown into training and intense workouts. I know it was hard on him. Hes in great shape and we both have a love for being healthy and working out daily (though hes stopped due to work). Over a year later...hes still on night shift. He sleeps all day. Even on the days hes already had a full night/days rest. I know the schedule is hard,, but even when he has weekends off, he sleeps all day. Im alone. I feel like I had hopes of a best friend. A partner to grow with. To bond with.To enjoy time with. Its vanished before Ive even had a chance to hold it.
Our honeymoon we didnt have sex the first week. Matter of fact, the first night, I laid in bed wondering if he would grab me or try and sexily touch me. Nadda. Nothing. He slept. (on HIS side). Once we tried, he couldnt perform. He was wearing condoms and said it was ruining it for him. He tried without and I used foam. He still couldnt keep "it".
Since this first week of our marriage, our sex life has been virtually nonexistent. Its rare to have sex once every month. Its rare (when we do) that he stays hard and that it doesnt either end with him going limp in me after 1 1/2 minutes or him finishing in 4. Ive never had a orgasm with him. I've never felt truly wanted and true passion...when we were dating, it was so different. He was agressive and passionate and took charge (with kissing and just being affectionate). I never expected my married life to be this way.
I want out. I feel ashamed and embarressed. I hate that he has this job. Im jealous of it. Even though Im proud of what hes accomplished, I hate him for choosing this over us. I just feel like Im at my breaking point. I dont feel loved, wanted, appreciated or even that he cares. Ive spoken to him but he gets defensive. I try to communicate effectively with loving, genuine concern. But...no good. Never turns out. Help. I just dont know what to do.
11 Replies |Watch This Discussion | Report This| Share this:alone,no sex life, resentful towards my husbandIm a 26 year old who has been married almost 2 years. I was a virgin when I got married. My husband is 5 yrs older and was also a virgin. I was a virgin due to a strict religious upbringing that (in my teen years) I realized was smart and made perfect sense for me.I remained a virgin because it seemed logical to me and I believed in my heart it was best (for me). I have no regrets regarding that choice. My husband said he was raised with a upbringing where he just "remembers" it being told that it was wrong to have sex before marriage, so he waited. I personally think theres more to it for him. <br /><br />Moving on from this main point..Im so unhappy. My husband became a sheriff deputy immediately after our wedding. He was thrown into the night shift first thing (as most rookies are). He was thrown into training and intense workouts. I know it was hard on him. Hes in great shape and we both have a love for being healthy and working out daily (though hes stopped due to work). Over a year later...hes still on night shift. He sleeps all day. Even on the days hes already had a full night/days rest. I know the schedule is hard,, but even when he has weekends off, he sleeps all day. Im alone. I feel like I had hopes of a best friend. A partner to grow with. To bond with.To enjoy time with. Its vanished before Ive even had a chance to hold it. <br /><br />Our honeymoon we didnt have sex the first week. Matter of fact, the first night, I laid in bed wondering if he would grab me or try and sexily touch me. Nadda. Nothing. He slept. (on HIS side). Once we tried, he couldnt perform. He was wearing condoms and said it was ruining it for him. He tried without and I used foam. He still couldnt keep "it". <br /><br />Since this first week of our marriage, our sex life has been virtually nonexistent. Its rare to have sex once every month. Its rare (when we do) that he stays hard and that it doesnt either end with him going limp in me after 1 1/2 minutes or him finishing in 4. Ive never had a orgasm with him. I've never felt truly wanted and true passion...when we were dating, it was so different. He was agressive and passionate and took charge (with kissing and just being affectionate). I never expected my married life to be this way.<br /><br /> I want out. I feel ashamed and embarressed. I hate that he has this job. Im jealous of it. Even though Im proud of what hes accomplished, I hate him for choosing this over us. I just feel like Im at my breaking point. I dont feel loved, wanted, appreciated or even that he cares. Ive spoken to him but he gets defensive. I try to communicate effectively with loving, genuine concern. But...no good. Never turns out. Help. I just dont know what to do.
Leslie Becker-Phelps, PhD responded:
Have you communicated just how desperate you are feeling? ... that you love him, but need him to work with you to save your marriage?
Also, have you asked him about how happy or unhappy he is in the marriage? Inviting him to share his unhappiness could be a way to get him to open up.
If you have unsuccessfully done this (and tried at least a few times), then you might try proposing couple therapy. If he won't go for that, you could try going to individual therapy to see if a therapist can help you find something else you can do.
Also, have you asked him about how happy or unhappy he is in the marriage? Inviting him to share his unhappiness could be a way to get him to open up.
If you have unsuccessfully done this (and tried at least a few times), then you might try proposing couple therapy. If he won't go for that, you could try going to individual therapy to see if a therapist can help you find something else you can do.
Report This| Share this:alone,no sex life, resentful towards my husbandHave you communicated just how desperate you are feeling? ... that you love him, but need him to work with you to save your marriage? <br /><br />Also, have you asked him about how happy or unhappy he is in the marriage? Inviting him to share his unhappiness could be a way to get him to open up.<br /><br />If you have unsuccessfully done this (and tried at least a few times), then you might try proposing couple therapy. If he won't go for that, you could try going to individual therapy to see if a therapist can help you find something else you can do.
happimomi replied to Leslie Becker-Phelps, PhD's response:
the only info that i can offer, is counseling and DO NOT GET PREGNANT!!!
Report This| Share this:alone,no sex life, resentful towards my husbandthe only info that i can offer, is counseling and DO NOT GET PREGNANT!!!
sa_guitarplayer responded:
Lonesomedove,
My advice would be... Don't give up yet.
"We" (men) sometimes let stress, machismo, and traumatic events get the better of us. -- and it changes things inside.
My "traumatic event" happened over 13 years ago and I'm just now starting to deal with it.
Since he's still active at his job, it's going to be hard for him to let his guard down long enough to get through to him. (to some men, it's a sign of weakness.) And, I'm willing to bet, if he asks for "help" from the force, his career will suffer. He's in a catch-22. Find a confidential counselor, possibly use your insurance instead of his so his record stays clean.
No matter what his problem is, if you love him, give him your support, he'll need it. If you don't want to stay with him or can't, let him know that too in a humane/caring way.
Peace and I hope all works out.
My advice would be... Don't give up yet.
"We" (men) sometimes let stress, machismo, and traumatic events get the better of us. -- and it changes things inside.
My "traumatic event" happened over 13 years ago and I'm just now starting to deal with it.
Since he's still active at his job, it's going to be hard for him to let his guard down long enough to get through to him. (to some men, it's a sign of weakness.) And, I'm willing to bet, if he asks for "help" from the force, his career will suffer. He's in a catch-22. Find a confidential counselor, possibly use your insurance instead of his so his record stays clean.
No matter what his problem is, if you love him, give him your support, he'll need it. If you don't want to stay with him or can't, let him know that too in a humane/caring way.
Peace and I hope all works out.
Report This| Share this:alone,no sex life, resentful towards my husbandLonesomedove,<br />My advice would be... Don't give up yet.<br />"We" (men) sometimes let stress, machismo, and traumatic events get the better of us. -- and it changes things inside.<br />My "traumatic event" happened over 13 years ago and I'm just now starting to deal with it.<br /><br />Since he's still active at his job, it's going to be hard for him to let his guard down long enough to get through to him. (to some men, it's a sign of weakness.) And, I'm willing to bet, if he asks for "help" from the force, his career will suffer. He's in a catch-22. Find a confidential counselor, possibly use your insurance instead of his so his record stays clean.<br /><br />No matter what his problem is, if you love him, give him your support, he'll need it. If you don't want to stay with him or can't, let him know that too in a humane/caring way.<br /><br />Peace and I hope all works out.
lonesomedove87 replied to Leslie Becker-Phelps, PhD's response:
I have. I have also suggested therapy. He shuts down and immediately gets defensive to these suggestions. I feel afraid to do individual therapy...only because I feel like it will be the same situation. Me trying to work on things to better US and him continuing on in his actions.
I've bought several books about marriage and effective communication..learning about how to express yourself with proper expressions to lessen the impact or lessen the chance they'll become defensive. Ive asked to sit and read these with him. He falls asleep normally. When Ive asked him about being happy. He responds with,"yes. I just wish you weren't always nit picking". ???
I've bought several books about marriage and effective communication..learning about how to express yourself with proper expressions to lessen the impact or lessen the chance they'll become defensive. Ive asked to sit and read these with him. He falls asleep normally. When Ive asked him about being happy. He responds with,"yes. I just wish you weren't always nit picking". ???
Report This| Share this:alone,no sex life, resentful towards my husbandI have. I have also suggested therapy. He shuts down and immediately gets defensive to these suggestions. I feel afraid to do individual therapy...only because I feel like it will be the same situation. Me trying to work on things to better US and him continuing on in his actions.<br /><br />I've bought several books about marriage and effective communication..learning about how to express yourself with proper expressions to lessen the impact or lessen the chance they'll become defensive. Ive asked to sit and read these with him. He falls asleep normally. When Ive asked him about being happy. He responds with,"yes. I just wish you weren't always nit picking". ???
lonesomedove87 replied to happimomi's response:
Not in my plans. I would be a wreck if I added a baby to this life... that's not a happy environment to bring a life into. I'm on birth control.Though, I do wonder if thats adding to my emotional state.
Report This| Share this:alone,no sex life, resentful towards my husbandNot in my plans. I would be a wreck if I added a baby to this life... that's not a happy environment to bring a life into. I'm on birth control.Though, I do wonder if thats adding to my emotional state.
lonesomedove87 replied to sa_guitarplayer's response:
I can respect and understand the fact that big things happen to each of us. Molding us into the person we are. Issues and hangups included.
I'm a person who thrives on deep communication. I form a connection from it. My husband seems to avoid this (since being married). Do you have any insight as to why he doesnt care about sex? I cant fathom it. I've asked him to go get checked up to be sure his hormone levels are where they should be...he shrugs his shoulders and blows it off each time. I know its hard for a guy to do, Im willling to go with him.
I guess Im just hoping for a miracle at this point. I dont believe in divorce. But..now..at this point...if nothing changes. Im just stuck in between a rock and a hard place which I dont believe I can stay in forever.
I'm a person who thrives on deep communication. I form a connection from it. My husband seems to avoid this (since being married). Do you have any insight as to why he doesnt care about sex? I cant fathom it. I've asked him to go get checked up to be sure his hormone levels are where they should be...he shrugs his shoulders and blows it off each time. I know its hard for a guy to do, Im willling to go with him.
I guess Im just hoping for a miracle at this point. I dont believe in divorce. But..now..at this point...if nothing changes. Im just stuck in between a rock and a hard place which I dont believe I can stay in forever.
Report This| Share this:alone,no sex life, resentful towards my husbandI can respect and understand the fact that big things happen to each of us. Molding us into the person we are. Issues and hangups included. <br /><br />I'm a person who thrives on deep communication. I form a connection from it. My husband seems to avoid this (since being married). Do you have any insight as to why he doesnt care about sex? I cant fathom it. I've asked him to go get checked up to be sure his hormone levels are where they should be...he shrugs his shoulders and blows it off each time. I know its hard for a guy to do, Im willling to go with him. <br /><br />I guess Im just hoping for a miracle at this point. I dont believe in divorce. But..now..at this point...if nothing changes. Im just stuck in between a rock and a hard place which I dont believe I can stay in forever.
You say you're afraid to go to individual therapy because it will mean that you are the one working on the relationship again. That could be true- but you might learn something that gets him more involved and connected and working with you - which has to happen if the relationship is going to work. But individual therapy can also help you figure out what is right for YOU. Just something to think about.
Report This| Share this:alone,no sex life, resentful towards my husbandYou say you're afraid to go to individual therapy because it will mean that you are the one working on the relationship again. That could be true- but you might learn something that gets him more involved and connected and working with you - which has to happen if the relationship is going to work. But individual therapy can also help you figure out what is right for YOU. Just something to think about.
sa_guitarplayer replied to Leslie Becker-Phelps, PhD's response:
Great advice Dr. BP...!!
While it's hard for me to admit, here goes....
I asked my wife to attend counseling with me... she refused (this was a little over 3 weeks ago). When she refused, I was both confused, upset and a little hurt.
Yet I have continued individual therapy, and believe me.. it HELPS a great deal.
Fair warning however, there will be times when you wonder "why does it seem I am the ONLY one working on our relationship?".... -- try to push through that. and try to keep in mind, in the end, you are really working on YOU. -- which is 100% important and 100% worth it. (i keep telling myself that!!!)
While it's hard for me to admit, here goes....
I asked my wife to attend counseling with me... she refused (this was a little over 3 weeks ago). When she refused, I was both confused, upset and a little hurt.
Yet I have continued individual therapy, and believe me.. it HELPS a great deal.
Fair warning however, there will be times when you wonder "why does it seem I am the ONLY one working on our relationship?".... -- try to push through that. and try to keep in mind, in the end, you are really working on YOU. -- which is 100% important and 100% worth it. (i keep telling myself that!!!)
Report This| Share this:alone,no sex life, resentful towards my husbandGreat advice Dr. BP...!!<br />While it's hard for me to admit, here goes....<br />I asked my wife to attend counseling with me... she refused (this was a little over 3 weeks ago). When she refused, I was both confused, upset and a little hurt.<br /><br />Yet I have continued individual therapy, and believe me.. it HELPS a great deal.<br />Fair warning however, there will be times when you wonder "why does it seem I am the ONLY one working on our relationship?".... -- try to push through that. and try to keep in mind, in the end, you are really working on YOU. -- which is 100% important and 100% worth it. (i keep telling myself that!!!) <img src="http://img.webmd.com/community/images/smile.gif" align="top" border="0">
Thanks for chiming in with this, sa_guitarplayer!
Report This| Share this:alone,no sex life, resentful towards my husbandThanks for chiming in with this, sa_guitarplayer!
MiriRose responded:
Hi lonesomedove87, I'm so sorry you are dealing with loneliness and lack of intimacy in your marriage. You've shared very openly, and I understand that this must be a very difficult time for you. I agree with the previous posts that mention seeking therapy. If you're looking for a good therapist referral, you might want to check out the info available on Focus on the Family's website . I work at Focus, and we hear from a lot of women that are experiencing similar struggles in their sexual relationship with their husband. You may want to read an article series about this issue here . I pray that this information is helpful to you, and that things will begin to improve in your marriage. God bless you!
Report This| Share this:alone,no sex life, resentful towards my husbandHi lonesomedove87, I'm so sorry you are dealing with loneliness and lack of intimacy in your marriage. You've shared very openly, and I understand that this must be a very difficult time for you. I agree with the previous posts that mention seeking therapy. If you're looking for a good therapist referral, you might want to check out the info available on Focus on the Family's <a rel="nofollow" href="http://referrals-loc.custhelp.com/cgi-bin/referrals_loc.cfg/php/loc/enduser/loc.php?p=1157699">website</a> . I work at Focus, and we hear from a lot of women that are experiencing similar struggles in their sexual relationship with their husband. You may want to read an article series about this issue <a rel="nofollow" href="http://www.focusonthefamily.com/marriage/sex_and_intimacy/when-your-husband-isnt-interested-in-sex.aspx?p=1157699">here</a> . I pray that this information is helpful to you, and that things will begin to improve in your marriage. God bless you!
Thanks MiriRose, that article was helpful! I have the same problem and it's been two years since my husband and I have been intimate. It's nice to know we are not alone, it is hard to cope with and hard not to feel resentful and lonely, and like less of a wife and a woman....
Report This| Share this:alone,no sex life, resentful towards my husbandThanks MiriRose, that article was helpful! I have the same problem and it's been two years since my husband and I have been intimate. It's nice to know we are not alone, it is hard to cope with and hard not to feel resentful and lonely, and like less of a wife and a woman....
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