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Great guy, ten years older
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Anon_24521 posted:
Im 24, Im single with no children, and my good friends husband set me up on a blind date with his friend.
I 've never accepted a blind date before ha ha...

I 've had a history of bad relationships in my past, and have been single for over 2 years now. I am actually really happy being single.... But still open to the right person if and when he comes along.
How can you be sure your not letting a good one go?

I am afraid of being hurt, and all the drama that can happen when relationships go bad. I have become kind of accustomed to dating a guy whenever I want to, and then leaving him alone with out any strings attached... It seemed to be what they wanted, and I had begun to not care much anymore.
But before I always have believed in long lasting relationships and staying faithful. So if I decided I like some one I dont think it should be hard for me to make the switch back to monogamy.

So I 've met a man who I really like. I just met him very recently, but I don't recall ever enjoying spending that much time with some one right away. He is such a nice sweet guy, he has been welding for ten years, and is a pro MMA fighter, so if I might add, I really like his body. He has a truck and his own place too. I have always settled for less then a girl deserves, but he took me out and made me feel like a princess. We did way fun things together I have always enjoyed like fishing and hiking and making camp fire, BBQ, movies.... it was a good time.
He is 34, which is ten years older then me, and he has a 11 year old son and a 10 year old daughter.
This is huge in my opionion. I think hes perfect but I dont know that Im cut out for step-kids, what if they don't like me? I never liked girls my dad brought home...
I know were not married yet, but he seems to be dreaming about it already... I told him I am afraid of being in another relationship that I really liked him and I want to take it slow. He said he understands, but he kept saying things which indicated he wants me to go steady with him anyways. For example " I can reverse my vasectomy for you." And that he can't wait for his son to meet me. Thats good to know, but I dont really wanna even go there yet.... He wanted to reassure me, however, that I am the only girl he plans on sleeping with and that all he wants is me.

I'm really confused... some people are telling me he is too old for me, some people are saying hes perfect for me. I like him, but I dont like how fast he is moving.... what should I do?

My dad told me not to bring my "problems" to the house. I live in a duplex basement below him, and all my date did was go outside to put the fishing pole in his truck and my dad thinks hes a problem? Im assuming he thinks he appeared too old? I DONT know! my dad says he has some things to say I will not like, so I have been avoiding him, because... duh... I dont wanna hear it obviously... My dad didnt even ask me who he was, just exchanged some rude words with me in the stair well, and went back upstairs.
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Kloudnine responded:
Hi there...I myself have had my share of bad relationships, and trust me, I know how you feel. I have been single for a long time, got used to being single and actually enjoyed the "Me" time. I really focused on what was right for me, and really went through a lot of self improvement. I just recently met a great man, and my single days are over, and I am proud to say that I am the happiest that I have been in a very long time.

You can't worry about "letting a good one go" because you will be letting yourself settle for something that is not right for you, and you will end up not being happy when there is someone out there that is right for you, and when you meet that person, you will know.

Dating someone who has children is not an easy thing, although it has it's rewards as well. You have to learn to share your time, as it's not just you and him, it's all of you. That is a huge step for one, and it's something that you really need to think about and decide if it's something you are willing and ready to accept. It is always hard meeting the kids for the first time, but kids are a great judge of character too. Just don't try too hard, and be yourself if you do decide to pursue this and meet the kids.

As far as your dad goes, you are his daughter and he is just trying to look out for you, and as a parent, I can understand that. Sometimes it is not always what we want to hear, but they believe it is in our best interest. Maybe you should sit down and talk with your dad, and get his perspective on things, and also share yours. It can be a positive thing, don't go into it with a negative outlook. Try and see it from all perspectives.

As far as how you are feeling, you need to do what you feel is right. I would also suggest that you tell this man everything that you are feeling, and that you feel things are moving a little too fast. He needs to know before things go further, and before his feelings get any stronger, especially if you have any doubts whatsoever. Because of things you have been through, you are just throwing caution to the wind, and you want to take things slow, that is understandable, and there is nothing wrong with it. There is no need to rush, as you are young and have nothing but time. If you are not feeling this guy, and everything that is happening, this is probably not right for you. Don't settle, and listen you your instincts as they are never wrong. By the way, how long have you been seeing him?

Best Wishes!
Take Care : )
 
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3point14 responded:
Honestly, the whole reversing vasectomy thing would really really creep me out. You met him very recently, you're not exclusive, and he's already talking about marriage and you're worried about being a step-mom?

It sounds like you like a lot about him, but your gut is telling you he's moving too fast and you're unsure if he's someone you want to be with. When you meet someone you REALLY want to be with, I don't think there's necessarily so much doubt. Anxiety can still be there, and nervousness, but it honestly sounds like you're not too crazy about him and just like the way he treats you.

When you hav bad history with relationships, you become really easily impressed with decent treatment. You deserve decent treatment from anyone you date, everyone you date. Maybe this guy is a good first step in the right direction, but his quickness, age, and possible issues with having kids would make me turn in the opposite direction and RUN.
 
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Leslie Becker-Phelps, PhD responded:
I understand how this can all be so confusing and a bit anxiety-provoking. But, remember, you don't need to have all the answers right now. If you face the situation fully, it will all unfold in a way that makes sense. What I mean by facing the situation is to pay attention to your thoughts and feelings, talk with this man, listen to your father, and even talk more with trusted friends (ones who can truly listen to you and not just put their opinions on you). See if this guy is able to pull back after you tell him that this is all a bit too fast. When you are ready to meet his children, just see how it goes. Take your time.

As for the age thing, there are plenty of people who date someone who is 10 or more years older. The question is whether you fit together as people, not chronological age. That said, when you get much older, this could mean that there will be some years of him slowing down and having physical (age-related) difficulties before you - though this is a long time off.

Good luck with this- and please let us know how it goes.
 
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Anon_24521 responded:
ID really like to be with him Im just confused about how I feel cause its not what I expected.
I think he is genuinely just rediculously excited hes met me.
 
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missnya75 responded:
If you are even asking about stepkids it means you are not ready for them. Enjoy your time with him, my advise is you are too young for those step kids at that age. I will tell you I have kids that are 13yrs and they drive me crazy with attitudes and rudeness. I discipline them big time and I am on them. If a step mom does that it is war with them, their mom even their dad will take their sides. I do not think you are ready for that bull. Stay single a good guy will come, please never rush into marriage because it can suck. Good luck though, think 10 times before committing.
 
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Anon_24521 replied to missnya75's response:
Thanks for the advice Missnya but I have to say I do not agree with you at all.
I plan to be pretty.... laissez-faire with his kids. (hands off)
They have a mom. I dont need to fill her shoes. I just need to be supportive of their daddy and hope they will respect me some day ;D
Yeah me and this man are going to be together for a long time Ive decided.
 
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tlkittycat1968 replied to Anon_24521's response:
You and he need to decide what type of role you'll be playing for his kids. A friend of mine was dating a man with kids and when they both realized it was getting serious (they ended up getting married), he told his kids to treat whatever she said as if he said it. Mind you, his kids were younger than your guy's kids but there was no doubt where she stood with his kids.

You can't be completely hands-off with his kids if you're going to spend any amount of time around them.
 
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Anon_24521 replied to tlkittycat1968's response:
We talked about that last night as a matter of fact.
I am going to meet his son this Friday, he has full custody of him. His daughter goes with her mom, (two different moms)and her mom doesnt let him see her much... she seems to have her own ideas.
But he is way excited for me to meet his son, and I am excited too.
My boyfriend told me that his son is a really good kid, very respectful, and he will be happy as long as we take him fishing. He said he sent him a picture of me cause his son wanted to know if I was cute, and that his son says I look nice and he is happy for him. So his son sounds like he is open to the idea of me and his dad being together, and my boyfriend told me that his son will listen to me, but that he behaves so well I shouldn't have to get after him.
And he talked to me about saving money to get his vasectomy reversed, and that he is going to go back to his old job so he can make enough to buy us a house.
Im pretty happy I found a man who really wants to spend his life with me.
 
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3point14 replied to Anon_24521's response:
So a week ago you were nervous that he was moving too fast and a week later you're glad you found someone to spend the rest of your lives together?

Make sure you're allowing your concerns and fears to be heard. Make sure you don't bind yourself permanently to this man before you get to know him better. Make sure you don't get too wrapped up in the romance of it to watch out for yourself.

Best of luck!
 
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Anon_475 replied to Anon_24521's response:
You are being incredibly naive about stepchildren. It isn't about replacing their mom. It's about being their stepmom. Repect isn't something that just happens, you have to earn it. You won't earn it by sitting on the sidelines and not participating in family life. You are going to be involved with them as a family if you decide to stay with their father. I suggest you go to some parenting classes now, before you actually need them. For everyone's sake. Your expectations are just far too unrealistic.

IMO, this is moving too fast. He's talking about reversing his vasectomy? He's talking about buying a house? I'd want to know what the hurry was... Why did he get divorced, by the way?
 
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Anon_24521 replied to Anon_475's response:
Its incredibly easy to draw assumptions about a person over the internet and believe they are completely clueless or naive. And its also incredibly easy to guage a relationship you werent there to experience, and throw words into some ones mouth running away with your own ideas that have manifested from your imagination.
If you fall in love with some body you do what you have to do to make it work.
I guess if I am being naive and unrealistic Ill learn my lesson.

I made this post cause I was uptight, and felt uneasy about pursuing an older man because of all the bull Id get in return for it, but Ive pretty much decided I don't care to hear it.
I think that 3point14 has a good point, and I am trying my best to keep a clear head, but I feel that you will never know unless you give it a chance.
I wont be returning to hear anymore of your unwanted input. Thanks and have a nice day.
 
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Anon_475 replied to Anon_24521's response:
Not my imagination at all. You clearly said

I plan to be pretty.... laissez-faire with his kids. (hands off)
They have a mom. I dont need to fill her shoes. I just need to be supportive of their daddy and hope they will respect me some day


Seeing as he has full custody of his son I don't see how you can be "hands off". That is why I suggested parenting classes - to help you, not to insult you. Have you spoken to anyone IRL who has been in the situation of being single and marrying a man with children? If not, then I encourage you to do so. Again, I am only trying to help.
 
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Anon_24521 replied to Anon_24521's response:
I have a great amount of children in my life from ages 0-18
Sure, I admit I do a little better with toddlers, but no one is a professional parent, you learn as you go.
Im sorry Im just a bit offended, you make it sound as if Im completely incompetent when it comes to children just because I dont have any.
And they are HIS kids, if he wants me around them, so be it, its HIS choice. I am letting him call the shots with his kids, if he wants me to be more invovled I will be, if he wants me to back off, I will. And if something his child does is getting to me, Im sure I could let him know, and hed handle it.
I just know that when I was growing up, I hated all of my dads girlfriends no matter what they did, just cause I didnt want to share him at all.
Now that I am grown up I feel very selfish and bad for being such an awful child to his girlfriends.
So that being said, as a new person in his childrens life, I dont want to push myself onto them, I want them to get used to me and accept me on their own.
This is a definitely going to be a challenge for me, but I feel that I am up for it.


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