Announcements
Attention: The information provided in this forum is intended for educational purposes only, and is not a substitute for individual professional advice, diagnosis, or treatment.
Includes Expert Content
ok, so I had an affair,,, what now???
_hurtHeart posted:
ok, so a few years ago, feeling lonely, resentful, and depressed, I had an affair with a man. It is still going on. YES, we are in love. Yes, we are both married, and yes, we both have children! We both want to divorce our spouses, BUT do not want to hurt anyone, even the spouses. I know it seems stupid, to even post this, but i need someone to talk to. I would divorce, and am still thinking of it: not to be with the other man, but because i have been out of love with spouse for about 10 years. I know that i could be happier all alone. anyone else been there? scared of the future, afraid to hurt others, ...
3 Replies |Watch This Discussion | Report This| Share this:ok, so I had an affair,,, what now???ok, so a few years ago, feeling lonely, resentful, and depressed, I had an affair with a man. It is still going on. YES, we are in love. Yes, we are both married, and yes, we both have children! We both want to divorce our spouses, BUT do not want to hurt anyone, even the spouses. I know it seems stupid, to even post this, but i need someone to talk to. I would divorce, and am still thinking of it: not to be with the other man, but because i have been out of love with spouse for about 10 years. I know that i could be happier all alone. anyone else been there? scared of the future, afraid to hurt others, ...
Leslie Becker-Phelps, PhD responded:
This is a very difficult situation and, unfortunately, there is no way not to hurt anyone -- including yourself. But, if you are that unhappy, then there is a good chance that your husband might be, too.
As for your fear of the future, that's certainly understandable. All you can do is make the best plans possible, and then take the dive and have faith in yourself.
Also, I'm wondering whether the fear of hurting him and fear of the future are all of what's held you back from divorcing up until now; or whether there is something else?
In answer to your question, "what now?", I suggest that you think through whether you would be willing to try to work it out (I'm guessing not, but I want to at least put this question out there.). Then talk with your husband about how you feel and what you want to do about it (e.g. divorce, go to couple therapy).
Good luck with finding your way through to happier times.
As for your fear of the future, that's certainly understandable. All you can do is make the best plans possible, and then take the dive and have faith in yourself.
Also, I'm wondering whether the fear of hurting him and fear of the future are all of what's held you back from divorcing up until now; or whether there is something else?
In answer to your question, "what now?", I suggest that you think through whether you would be willing to try to work it out (I'm guessing not, but I want to at least put this question out there.). Then talk with your husband about how you feel and what you want to do about it (e.g. divorce, go to couple therapy).
Good luck with finding your way through to happier times.
Report This| Share this:ok, so I had an affair,,, what now???This is a very difficult situation and, unfortunately, there is no way not to hurt anyone -- including yourself. But, if you are that unhappy, then there is a good chance that your husband might be, too. <br /><br />As for your fear of the future, that's certainly understandable. All you can do is make the best plans possible, and then take the dive and have faith in yourself. <br />Also, I'm wondering whether the fear of hurting him and fear of the future are all of what's held you back from divorcing up until now; or whether there is something else?<br /><br />In answer to your question, "what now?", I suggest that you think through whether you would be willing to try to work it out (I'm guessing not, but I want to at least put this question out there.). Then talk with your husband about how you feel and what you want to do about it (e.g. divorce, go to couple therapy). <br /><br />Good luck with finding your way through to happier times.
DfromSpencer responded:
I realize that this is late, but, its a shame you had to have an affair. That was/is not very nice to do to someone you are married to. You should have talked to your husband first, and then separated, or got a divorce BEFORE you cheated. I know first hand, just how much that hurts. My heart was crushed. My trust in women went to zero. That is one hurt NO ONE should ever have to feel.
I am only saying this, because you have done what my ex has done, and i want you to understand how that hurts. And you say you dont want to hurt anyone? You already have! Now be honest with your husband.
You say you fear the future? Why? If you had no fear to have an affair, why should you fear the future? Are you afraid to be alone? I thought you said you were in love with this other cheater? You both need to get divorced and marry each other.
There, your problem is solved!
Sorry if i sound bitter, but that is one wound that will never heal. At least give your husband the chance to heal.
I am only saying this, because you have done what my ex has done, and i want you to understand how that hurts. And you say you dont want to hurt anyone? You already have! Now be honest with your husband.
You say you fear the future? Why? If you had no fear to have an affair, why should you fear the future? Are you afraid to be alone? I thought you said you were in love with this other cheater? You both need to get divorced and marry each other.
There, your problem is solved!
Sorry if i sound bitter, but that is one wound that will never heal. At least give your husband the chance to heal.
Report This| Share this:ok, so I had an affair,,, what now???I realize that this is late, but, its a shame you had to have an affair. That was/is not very nice to do to someone you are married to. You should have talked to your husband first, and then separated, or got a divorce BEFORE you cheated. I know first hand, just how much that hurts. My heart was crushed. My trust in women went to zero. That is one hurt NO ONE should ever have to feel.<br /> <br />I am only saying this, because you have done what my ex has done, and i want you to understand how that hurts. And you say you dont want to hurt anyone? You already have! Now be honest with your husband. <br /> <br />You say you fear the future? Why? If you had no fear to have an affair, why should you fear the future? Are you afraid to be alone? I thought you said you were in love with this other cheater? You both need to get divorced and marry each other.<br /> <br />There, your problem is solved!<br /> <br />Sorry if i sound bitter, but that is one wound that will never heal. At least give your husband the chance to heal.
loove23 responded:
Feeling the way u felt can cause u to do alot of things that you never wanted to, it hurts not to feel loved and it hurt to be in love and get hurt, you love this other person and want to be with him, but if you guys are afraid to hurt the other it will not work because someone will have to get hurt.....you need to make a decision base on what your heart say and base on your happiness......
Report This| Share this:ok, so I had an affair,,, what now???Feeling the way u felt can cause u to do alot of things that you never wanted to, it hurts not to feel loved and it hurt to be in love and get hurt, you love this other person and want to be with him, but if you guys are afraid to hurt the other it will not work because someone will have to get hurt.....you need to make a decision base on what your heart say and base on your happiness......
See Related Sex & Relationships Communities
Featuring Experts
Leslie Becker-Phelps, PhD, launched her counseling career at age 17, as a telephone helpline volunteer in her New Jersey hometown. She is now a well-r...More
Helpful Tips
Just a little something I read today that I thought I should share...
Discretion "Recognizing and avoiding words, actions and attitudes that could bring undesirable consequences." Here are some simple things ... More
Was this Helpful?
5
of
5 found this helpful
Related News
Related Drug Reviews
- Drug Name User Reviews
Report Problems to the
Food and Drug Administration
You are encouraged to report negative side effects of prescription drugs to the FDA. Visit the FDA MedWatch website or call 1-800-FDA-1088.
Other Relationships Information
More Related Communities
The opinions expressed in WebMD User-generated content areas like communities, reviews, ratings, or blogs are solely those of the User, who may or may not have medical or scientific training. These opinions do not represent the opinions of WebMD. User-generated content areas are not reviewed by a WebMD physician or any member of the WebMD editorial staff for accuracy, balance, objectivity, or any other reason except for compliance with our Terms and Conditions. Some of these opinions may contain information about treatments or uses of drug products that have not been approved by the U.S. Food and Drug Administration. WebMD does not endorse any specific product, service, or treatment.
Do not consider WebMD User-generated content as medical advice. Never delay or disregard seeking professional medical advice from your doctor or other qualified healthcare provider because of something you have read on WebMD. You should always speak with your doctor before you start, stop, or change any prescribed part of your care plan or treatment. WebMD understands that reading individual, real-life experiences can be a helpful resource, but it is never a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment from a qualified health care provider. If you think you may have a medical emergency, call your doctor or dial 911 immediately.
Health Solutions From Our Sponsors
About WebMD Advertise With Us Terms of Use Privacy Policy Sponsor Policy Site Map Careers Contact Us
First Aid WebMD Magazine WebMD Health Record WebMD Mobile Newsletters Dictionary Physician Directory
©2005-2013 WebMD, LLC. All rights reserved.
WebMD does not provide medical advice, diagnosis or treatment. See additional information.