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How do you cope with leaving your parents?
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Danitd posted:
To start off I'm 18, recently graduated and i have decided to leave my parents and move across the state to live with my boyfriend(5 years) and his mom. I felt as though staying where i was would get me no where. My dad did not want me to go to college and my mom would never let me do anything. I was the one cleaning the house and cooking. I felt like i was the homeowner. My mom being a little mentally unstable, could not cope with the fact that i was growing up. I tried talking to her about college and my plans for the future but i never could because all she would do was cry. It was like she could not handle the fact that i was growing up and did not need her as much as before even though she was not doing much for me at the time anyway. During the course of my senior year my boyfriend and his mom planned the trip for the summer to move. I couldn't tell my parents because if i did i knew they would never let me leave. So as the time drew near and i arrived at their house i realized i couldn't tell my parents over the phone that i would not be coming back. After realizing this i wrote them a letter. I said that my decision was nothing against them. It was time i lived my life and made some decisions for myself. I felt as though if i didn't move i would never get anywhere in life. My parents never let me get a job or let me drive. It seemed like this was my only opportunity to fulfill my plans for my life. I now have the help i need to do what i want to do. I can get a job and there are so many possibilities just waiting for me. I'd like to say that i am happy. My life at home was beyond stressful and bad on my welfare. It has left me with many issues i must face but i am now feeling relieved. The only problem is i don't know where to go from here. My parents received the letter and my mother is devastated. I want to have a good relationship with my parents but i don't know how to handle the guilt and the hurt that i have put upon myself in the interest of having a better future. I realize there comes a time when you have to put your self before others. The biggest steps in life also involve the hardest obstacles. It would be nice to have a little advice.
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darlyn05 responded:
Sometimes it may be better if a child does not inform their parents that they plan on moving out. Although most parents should be expecting this, and some probably look forward to it.

It doesn't sound as though your parents have your best interests at heart. Almost selfish on their part. If you just graduated high school I'm sure they are very concerned with choices you'll be making and what is often referred to as 'the real world' challenges along with its dangers.

Keep in touch with them, and reassure them.
 
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rohvannyn responded:
It took courage to step out on your own and I applaud you for it.

I know it's rough but hang in there. Be true to yourself. If you don't take care of yourself, then who will? It's a good idea to let them know you are doing all right so they don't send the police after you out of worry. However, my gut tells me that it would be better off limiting quick contact, like phone or email. The reason why I say this is they are having trouble letting go, and may use any difficulties you have as a way to get control over you again. Letters would help them feel connected, but must be answered thoughtfully and not in haste. They also give your folks a tangible token that you still care. Emails and phone calls are way too easy an access.

Further, I would suggest that you keep your distance at least until you are firmly established in your own routine, so you can rebuild your relationship with them from a position of strength. They will not stop loving you, but they need to learn how to stop smothering you. Don't be afraid to say no, kindly or forcefully if required. You are your own person and you deserve respect.

Best of luck to you!
 
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Danitd replied to rohvannyn's response:
You are absolutely right and thank you for the advice. It really means a lot to have some other views. My parents have accepted my decision, though my mom is still very upset. I know it will take some time to have a normal relationship with them but i think it will turn out just fine. But you are right, i space out our phone calls and i think through what i say to them. It's hard, it truly is but i know it is what is best for me.

Thanks again


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