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My boyfriend is thining about getting a female roomate
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Anon_238319 posted:
My boyfriend of 3 years is looking for a roomate to share expenses and help with his older dog while he is at work some. He is actually considering a female roomate. He asked me my opinion and I said I did not think it is a good idea at all, because I feel it could lead to issues. Not sure why he asked my opinion because apparently he is planning on it anyway. I feel he would not tolerate this behavior from me if I wanted to move in a roomate that was a man, regardless of my reasons. I love this man and do not want to stop seeing him. But I feel like him moving in a female into his home, shows disrespect for our relationship. He says he loves me. If that is the case why does he do this that hurts me. He said he did not realize it would bother me so much, but I told him many times, that I did not think it was a good idea.
Now I am stressed because I feel it is going to cause us trouble. In fact it is already an issue and no one has even moved in yet.
I have put so much in this relationship with him and do not want to break it over principle. Even though he says he loves me and wants to be with me, is this his way of trying to get me to break it off with him. Does he really want OUT of our relationship, and the easy way out is doing things to cause me to not want to be with him?
Is it just me or would the majority of any person have trouble dealing with their boyfriend or girlfriend sharing their home with the opposite sex?
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Leslie Becker-Phelps, PhD responded:
Clearly he did not get or refused to hear your message -- which is definitely a communication problem.

On the surface, while it's insensitive for him to do this, it does not seem like a clear message that he wants out. Not knowing what went into his decision (so I can't comment fully on that), I'm wondering if there are other problems in your relationship. Do you have reason not to trust him? (e.g. Has he lied or cheated before (in your relationship or with previous girlfriends? Or, have you been lied to or cheated on by someone else before?) If not, what makes you think that he will cheat on you or that he is trying to end your relationship with this? If the problem is that you just think it's a bad idea in general with no specific cause for concern in this situation, then you might want to just let this play out -- try to give him the benefit of the doubt, but return to it if you see signs of a problem occurring.
 
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fcl responded:
Could this be his way of telling you that he'd like YOU to move in with him?

PS - he's fooling himself if he thinks that anyone is going to pay for the privilege of watching his dog while he is at work
There's nothing inherently dirty about sex, but if you try real hard and use your imagination you can overcome that.
 
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darlyn05 responded:
In 2004 I was in need of a roommate to help with the cost of living. The only ones in the same situation were of the opposite sex(male) and my fiance put a kabosh to that. Not acceptable, and my fiance lived 3 hrs away from me. I understood his reasoning after thinking more of his concerns and values as we discussed things further.

For me, I feel that if there is not an opposite sex roommate situation already at hand when the relationship begins that after one begins it is not acceptable.
 
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TIMZTICKING replied to Leslie Becker-Phelps, PhD's response:
No reason not to trust him. It's not about cheating. Clearly anyone can cheat at any point without moving some one into their home. I trust him there. It's the fact that we are already in a relationship and I think it is disrespectful to me and our relationship to consider it. Plus if the shoe were on the other foot he would not stand for it. To me what is good for him and whats good for me is 2 different things. In fact I have asked others to see if it's me being unreasonable, and they say "no" that they would not tolerate it either. And my men friends totally said absolutely not would they allow it out of their girlfriend. And when my 2 teenage sons get wind of this, OMG! I can hear them now.
And what do you mean by just play it out. Not sure I have a choice, but to just play it out. Give him the benefit of the doubt about what "thinking it is ok to disrespect me and our relationship". ?


His reasoning behind his decision is the fact fact that some of the women that have contacted him he deems as better candidates and he feels a women will be step up to the plate and take care of his dog while he is not there than a man would. Plus keep his house clean for him. Where most men would not. And I do not disagree there, when have man ever been better at stepping up to the plate with household duties and cleaning up after kids and animals then women?
 
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TIMZTICKING replied to fcl's response:
Yes he has asked me to move in with him. But his house is not big enough for me and my 2 teenage sons. I have a very larger and nicer home, I have asked him to move in with me but he will not.

And no he is not fooling himself in thinking that there are "stupid" or desperate women out there that would pay him to rent a room in his house plus take care of his dog. They will probably even clean up after him too and vacumn and scrub baths etc. Some women will do anything regardless of how degrading. Because he has applications, they are willing participants. Two even came over to look at the house etc. No there are women that would do it.

I know sounds crazy right. I would not do it.
 
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TIMZTICKING replied to TIMZTICKING's response:
I meant I would not do it for a stanger man, I have told him I would help him out with the dog when is at work. I offered that.
 
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TIMZTICKING replied to Leslie Becker-Phelps, PhD's response:
No communication problem, he heard my opinion very clearly, he just chooses to disregard my feelings in this matter. He says I am making an issue, where are are none.
 
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dfromspencer responded:
Hi, at first, i wanted to go with what FCL said about moving in with him, but not after reading all of your responses. I think he is being a jerk. I would never ask my girlfriend if i could move a strange female into my home while we were going together! That is just rude, crude, and wrong! I dont know about you, but i would tell him the moment a female moves into your house, is the moment we are through! I know for a fact, if i did this to my girlfriend, we would not be together any more. Sure, i've only been dating her for a month, but i know that would hurt her. It would kill me if she did that.

I know you love him, so, put your foot down, no female room mates! Tell him to take his dog to the doggie day care. That way, he will be assured someone will take good care of his dog.

One thing you said bothers me badly, why won't he move in with you? If your house is the bigger one, he should be all for that. If not, does he really love you, or just playing at it? I just find that really strange.

Good luck to you, Dennis
 
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fcl replied to dfromspencer's response:
I agree. If moving in with you is a logical move why is he not making it.

Now that you've given more information I can only say that I would not want to have anything to do with someone who is deliberately intending on using his roommate as a maid. How degrading. What did his last slave die of? Honestly, I wouldn't want to imagine what domestic life would be like with someone like that...
There's nothing inherently dirty about sex, but if you try real hard and use your imagination you can overcome that.
 
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TIMZTICKING replied to dfromspencer's response:
Glad to know I am not the crazy one.
Thankfully I got the courage to put my foot down and he ditched the idea of the female roommate. Then he went and has his dog put to sleep because it really was time. After I stayed with the dog all evening, caring for him while he was at work.
My home is very accomadating for all 4 of us. I think he fears my teenage sons. My husband died 4 years ago and it has been very hard for us. And following in the shadow of a dead man is very difficult because everyone holds the man who died on a pedestal. I also realize the commitment level of living with teenagers. I mean I have trouble sometimes and often wish I did not even live with these teenagers. Cause it is hard. So with that being said even though I asked him to move in with us because I love him and feel he is the right man for my family, I do have my doubts if he has reached the level of commitment necessary for this to be successful.
If it was just the 2 of us, but it is not.
Lori
 
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TIMZTICKING replied to fcl's response:
Well you know what, there were in my eyes women that came and checked it out. Even though I agree with you "degrading" but they found the situation acceptable. He was up font about the issues with his dog and the women did not seem to mind. Men that came said they couldnt deal with that and did not want to room. Of course the other cleaning etc was just him thinking that women do better about cleaning around a house then men room mates and he is probably right there. But you know what. I need someone at my house to weed eat and cut trees stuff like that, but I ain't moving a male room mate in that is a stranger or otherwise just to help out with the yard and stuff I can not manage on my own.
 
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TIMZTICKING replied to dfromspencer's response:
Dennis, Also I want to add. I am not an ultimatum type person. Because I have learned after many years, sometimes principal does not get you where you want to be. I give my opinion when he asks and usually think it is best for him to make his own decision. I use to give ultamatums in my younger days, sometimes it got me where I wanted to be and sometimes it did not.
Lori
 
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TIMZTICKING replied to TIMZTICKING's response:
And I did not really give him an ultimatum. He did come to the decision on his own after days of stressful conversation and some hard decision making.
 
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dfromspencer replied to TIMZTICKING's response:
Very good! I am glad that situation has been resolved. Best of luck in the future, Dennis


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