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Lost?!?!?!?!?!
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An_245935 posted:
Hello all.... I am a 28 year old female and my SO is a 25 year old male. Back in april I gave birth to our first child (a little girl) the light of both of our lives. And recently im feeling like we have just been moving further and further apart in our relationship. I work all day and he watches our daughter then i come home from work and he goes up to our room mates room and plays video games for hours on end or he disappears with his friends for hours. I think what i am getting to is this..... We havent really been intimate since i had her. So 3 months we have had sex a total of maybe 8 times give or take a few. I know that he has an intrest in sex because i have located porn on his computer numerous times. I understand that i work all day and he watches her all day but there has to be a time that we can set aside to be intimate with each other. I feel like we are just two people living in the same house sort of like roommates. And we have been together for 7 years and yes he has cheated on me twice before. I know it might be slightly my fault since after the baby i havent had the best body image and i do make the comments but that shouldnt be enough to ruin our sex life. Since the 7 years we have been together we have never had this problem ever. How can i turn this around to get us back to where we were? Any advice will be greatly appreciated
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dfromspencer responded:
First, i dont know why you would stay with someone who has cheated on you twice? You have, so i will try and help. Have you tried romantic things? Candle light dinner, dressing sexy, talking dirty to him?

Second, you need to get rid of the roommate. If he is spending all his time with that guy, you will never have intimate time. Also, tell your s/o that you like and support his having friends, but that you two are a couple, and that you would appreciate more quality time with him. Especially since you have to work all day to support his ass.

Third, as far as body immage goes, tell him to have a baby, and see how his body does? If that boy loved you, nothing would come between you. Not his friends, or porn, nothing!

Lastly, if i was in your position, i would give him the ultimate ultimatum. More us time, or i am leaving you. If he is a man, he will give you more of himself, and not be so selfish.

Good luck to you, Dennis
 
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Kloudnine responded:
Hi there...First of all, don't EVER blame yourself, or your body image on anything!! That is your first mistake. Second, I would never stay with a man that feels the need to cheat on me, twice mind you, but that's just me. And lastly, to completely disregard you and your daughter, to play video games with the roommate, sounds like this "boy" has a lot of growing up to do, and needs to get his priorities straight. He needs to appreciate what he has in front of him, before it's too late, and you also need to think about the situation you're in before time passes you by my friend, and you start to think back on the life you could have had.

I am not trying to tell you what to do, and most certainly am not trying to be rude by any means, but I have been there before, and look back on the situation and wish I had gotten out sooner, a lot sooner than I did. You deserve all the happiness that life has in store for you, and I would hate to see you put in the effort and time that this man does not seem to want to put back into you, or hasn't put back into you. But, if you really want to try, and I can understand that you have already put in 7 years of your life, then you need to tell him how you feel, sit down and talk, and go from there. That's where I would start. You need to get together, alone, and really lay it all out there, till there is nothing more to say. Communication is the key, and from the sounds of it, there doesn't seem to be a very good foundation in the relationship when it comes to that aspect. People drift apart, and sometimes at that point, it's time to move on, but like I said, if you are willing to put in that effort, then that is what you should do. I wish you and your lil one the best of luck. You deserve a life full of love and happiness. Take Care!
 
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Krissypoo4405 replied to dfromspencer's response:
Unfortunately for me he isnt the romantic type. We are complete opposites I love romance he doesnt. I have tried to knock his socks off but it doesnt seem to work in all honesty i really think that the flame has totally burned out. Everything i try to do never seems to work and i am feeling like i havent done enough to keep what we had alive. Im thinking that maybe me working all day then being so tired when i come home at night is to blame for how we are ending up. I dont want to think that way but it just seems since i started working it seems to have gotten worse and i cant get him out of thsi funk that he is in. I dont know if he is depressed or something else but i just dont know what to do.
 
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dfromspencer replied to Krissypoo4405's response:
Well, if thats the case, then you need to start thinking of yourself, and the little one. Perhaps its time to move on? Start anew. You have a job, but do you have a support system? Family, friends you can turn to for help, just till you get on you own two feet? if not, try D.H.S., or a church, or even a womens shelter. There is help out there, i suggest you use it.

You keep saying that YOU have'nt tried hard enough. That is total B.S.!!! From everything you have said, that is all you have done, try. Is this relationship worth all that effort? And, why should you be the only one trying? It takes two to tango, and if he don't want to dance, go find another partner, and dance happily for the rest of your life. You sound miserable to me, and you should be happy.

It sounds like you have a little boy for a S/O? If he truely cared for you, and the baby, he would make YOU happy, not the other way around. As long as you allow him to play with his friends, he will not grow up! He will never become a responsible adult. You have a baby to raise, you dont need to raise a boyfriend.

I sincerely hope you stop beating yourself up over this. You deserve to be happy too! Think about this very seriously. Will you ever be happy with this boy? Truely happy? If not, then you need to make yourself happy.

You could try talking him into couples therapy? From what you have said, i doubt he will go. Good luck to you and the little one, Dennis

P.S. Your happiness matters! Not just his.
 
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Kloudnine replied to Krissypoo4405's response:
As far as the romance goes, and the connection, you need to figure out how to connect with him..on all levels, and vice versa. I read a great book not too long ago that really gave me some good insight..it was called 'The Five Love Languages". It is a truly wonderful book, and like I said, gives some great insight on how to find your love language, as well as your partners. I think this would be a great book for you, and your partner, since you are having troubles relating to one another. I really couldn't believe how much I got out of this book, and what an eye opener it was for me. It truly did make a lot of sense, and I was able to make some personal changes because of it.

As it always comes down to people recommending, the only other option would be to go to couples therapy. Sometimes it's nice to get a third party perspective, and especially from someone that doesn't know you, your situation, and cannot point fingers or judge. It sounds to me like you are really giving this relationship everything you have, and that's really all you can do...but is he also trying just as hard as you are to make this work?
 
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Leslie Becker-Phelps, PhD responded:
There are few things I say that are definitive; but this I can tell you: Your problem is NOT your body or working. You have a new baby and that brings many changes. Many, many couples have a problem with this transition. But you do need to fix it now because it's a problem that could stay with you through the duration of your relationship (however long that might be).

Have you talked directly to him about it? Asked him how he feels about your whole life now (including the change in responsibilities, your working, your body, sex, etc)? If you haven't had this discussion, it has to happen. Really listen to what he has to say; and share honestly about what you are going through. If you have had this discussion, how has it gone?
 
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An_245935 replied to Leslie Becker-Phelps, PhD's response:
To answer your question yes i have tried to talk to him about all the changes that have happened in our relationship since the baby was born. but all it seems to do is make him angry and want to leave alot sooner. I feel like i am at a stand still and cant move forward at any point i never thought it was going to be like this at all and i never wated it to be this way. I am getting closer to my breaking point and i dont want it to be that way. I wanted the best for my daughter and not to grow up the same way i did but it seems that i am going to have to do something soon otherwise she is going to catch on to all the negativity in the household and i dont want that to happen.
 
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An_246339 replied to An_245935's response:
Sounds like you just need to cut your losses and move on. Sorry to say it, but I think it is the best option for you at this point. You and your daughter deserve better than what little this boy is offering you, and yes, he is exactly that..a boy. I don't know how you can sit here and blame yourself for things that are going wrong, or went wrong in the relationship, when it seems that he is the root of the problem. You are giving all you can, and giving the best years of your life at that, and for what? Ask yourself..what are you getting out of this? What is he giving you? Are you truly happy with your life as it is right now? You have that power and ability to change things and create a better life for yourself, and I hope that someday you realize that you are worth it. Sounds like this "boy" is not willing to put in any effort at all, and why should you continue to waste your time and effort on someone like that?

If you decide to stay, your daughter will also grow up watching this, and thinking that this is normal, and of course it's not. She will think it is acceptable for a man to treat a woman like this, and will also think that it is acceptable to allow herself to be treated that way by a man. It's just not a healthy environment for her to grow up in...mentally. I have a friend that is currently debating leaving her husband, and the only reason she said she is contemplating staying is for the kids, and I think that is the absolute worst reason to stay. Why put yourself and the kids through that?!
 
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Leslie Becker-Phelps, PhD replied to An_245935's response:
I'm sorry to hear that it's going so badly despite your efforts. The only other thing I can think of is couple therapy, but even that would require him to want to work on things -- which most definitely does not seem to be the case now. If (when?) you get to your breaking point, he might all of a sudden become remorseful and want to work things out. If this happens, I strongly advise couple therapy at that time, It can help ensure that changes really do happen and are maintained -- otherwise, after you've agreed to stay, he might just slip back to the way things are now.

Good luck; and please continue to let us know how you are doing.


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