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Long distance--how long is too long?
Hamlette posted:
I've been in a long distance relationship for the past 5 years. I've talked to my guy since I was 16 and he was 17 but we didn't meet or end up in a relationship until I was 20 and he was 21. Being that we live in two different states, I know that one of us will have to move eventually and, right now, my income is enough to support the two of us. My guy says he wants to move and get a job closer to me but the things he does contradict that. His hobby is professional wrestling and although I've supported him, it can be a problem with our relationship progressing. For example, on his last visit, he said that he wanted to see me a day sooner (which at the time I thought was sweet) but it was actually so that he could wrestle and said he would be willing to pay for an earlier ticket to switch flights, even though he did not pay for his ticket at all and has not paid for nearly a year. He ended up not switching flights because the fee was too high but I know that if the fee was less than $200.00 that he would have spent the money he doesn't have to leave me to wrestle. Last week, I told him how I feel about things the best I could--which is rare because I'm guarded quite a bit--and although he talked with me at that time, the next day he talked to me as if I didn't say anything, that nothing sank in. I told him that I would wait another 2 years for this to turn into anything but I think it fell on deaf ears. In hind sight, I was not as blunt as that desciption but he knows what I mean by now since this is not the first time I've brought up the topic. I've been slowly losing hope and I'm barely holding on to the idea that we will be together for much longer at this point. I am not an ultimatum type of person and, in reality, I know that he likes his life the way it is but it's difficult to say for sure since he says he wants to be with me while his actions say otherwise.

How long is "too long" for a long distance realtionship? Is there something I/we should be doing to help figure out if we will be together like the average couple or if we should part ways?
fcl responded:
Drop this guy and find yourself someone who lives near you. He filled a void in youir life when you needed one because he was a 'virtual' bf - are you a very shy person? I'm staggered that you considered this to be a "relationship" for four whole years before meeting him.

LTRs only work if there is an end to the LTR in sight. Indefinite things don't work. You can't hang about forever. This guy might have women all over the place and you may be only one of them.

You're only 21 - why on earth are you waiting for someone who really isn't interested in moving closer nor making time for you? He's using you. Why waste your energy on him when there are others nearer home who are willing to have a normal relationship with you?

End this waste-of-time craziness now. While you're waiting for him to make a move you're frittering away some of the best years of your life!
There's nothing inherently dirty about sex, but if you try real hard and use your imagination you can overcome that.
Hamlette replied to fcl's response:
Hi, sorry for the confusion..

We have been in a relationship since 20 but I am now 25. Our intention was never to meet or be in a relationship, it just happened over time. I am a slightly shy person but I'm not needy enough to want waste my time in a relationship that I didn't think could go anywhere. I've only bee in two relationships in my life for that reason. If someone doesn't seem worth my time, I don't start anything.

Thanks for your insight.
Leslie Becker-Phelps, PhD responded:
I suggest that you pay attention to your feelings right now. Be direct with him about whatever makes you uncomfortable. If he is not taking your feelings into account and working with you on things that matter to you, then you need to really think about whether you want that kind of relationship. You don't need to wait any set amount of time to figure this out -- you can do it now.

Also, talking to him about your concerns and what's not working for you is not about trying to control him -- it's about trying to be in a relationship that works for you. So, I would not think of this as an ultimatum; it's just the way things are.
Kloudnine responded:
I agree with FCL, drop this guy! Honestly, what is this man doing for you that you are still hanging on to this "relationship"? You live in two different states, which right there would be enough for me to call it quits since we would never see each other, and speaking of never seeing each other, how do you know whatis going on in his daily life? You can't possibly carry on a long distance relationship for five years without knowing where it is going. I would have ended it a long time ago... because after a few years if there was no commitment, I would have cut my losses and moved on. I think he has proven to you that you are not a priority, and you are also young enough to pick up the pieces and move along. Don't settle for less than you deserve. Good Luck!
Hamlette replied to Kloudnine's response:
Having seen your and the other user's response, I don't think this was an appropriate place to talk about my problem. The fact that "relationship" (with air quotes) and calling what I'm in fake seems to be the general opinion probably means I should have posted in a place where other people who understand long distance relationships can respond. I mean no disrespect at all; it's just difficult to convey the idea that these relationships can have the same care and love as a conventional one. I thought people who were in long distance 'ships were crazy until I ended up in one.

Thanks for your response! My guy and I have been talking about this so hopefully things work out.
Hamlette replied to Leslie Becker-Phelps, PhD's response:
Thank you for your response. I have been more direct and it seems to make a difference.
Kloudnine replied to Hamlette's response:
I meant no disrespect at all, but I know you deserve better. I am not calling what you have fake by any means, or saying that your feelings are not valid...and you do not need to justify yourself, or your situation to me. I am just suggesting that you think about things and ask yourself if this is what you really want, and are you willing to wait. I have been in a long distance relationship before, and I's not easy. You are only 25 years old, and you have a long life ahead of you...there is a whole world out there waiting for you, so don't limit yourself. Take care and good luck in whatever it is that you decide to do. I wish the best for you : )
fcl replied to Hamlette's response:
I'm sorry but four years without ever meeting the guy is not a relationship in my eyes, hence the quote marks. However, I did not call your relationship fake. No disrespect was intended.

Despite what you may think I actually do have experience in an LDR (we were at different ends of a continent). That is how I came to the conclusion that you need to have plans to be together for one to work. You cannot let things drift on indefinitely. Life is too short.

I hope things works out for you, I really do, but you need to make things happen.
There's nothing inherently dirty about sex, but if you try real hard and use your imagination you can overcome that.
Hamlette replied to fcl's response:
Sorry for the confusion again.. the longest we have gone wihout seeing each other is 6 months in the 5 years we've been together.

I don't want to drift either so, hopefully, a plan can work out soon. I do have a "plan b" in case things don't work out in the next two years. I don't want to bank on anything that could very weel be a long shot.

Also, I'm sorry for coming off as defensive. I appreciate the advice
Hamlette replied to Kloudnine's response:
Sorry for being defense with you, too. It's a touchy subject and I might have interpreted things the wrong way.

I've been waiting for quite some time--I started bringing this up (sort of) in year three--but I guess the question is how much longer can I wait, you know? It feels weird to put a timeline on it but my only goal in life is to have a family. Having the career I want isn't important but having a family is whereas he wants the job to get the family.. Neither way is wrong or right but, at 25, I have to start thinking about because that opprotunity will be gone before I know it.

Thanks for your replies.
Anon_150000 replied to Hamlette's response:
Hi Hamlette, if you do want to try posting this question somewhere else, you might want to try There's a forum on that site specifically for people in long distance relationships and everyone on there is very supportive and helpful Good luck to you!
Leslie Becker-Phelps, PhD replied to Hamlette's response:
Glad to hear it. If - at any point- you want to share more about how it's made a difference and ask about where you can go from there (or just ask for support), please feel free to do it.
Danitd responded:
I just want to say I was in a LDR for over 5 years. Out of those 5 years i saw the guy maybe three times before he moved to live with me. The waits between seeing each other were long and very difficult. There were many fights between us and to be honest i have no idea how i got through it. We did kinda give each other a break in there somewhere but the thing is there was not one moment i didn't want to be with him. Every single thing was worth it, the fighting, the tears. It was hard but worth it. One thing we did that really helped was tell each other about our days. Now i do not believe there is a certain limit on time. Many people have bad views on the subject but it was two years before i even met him. It was our connection. What im trying to say is that you don't have to know where you guys will go just ask yourself if he is worth you're time. If you both have that "connection" i don't think time matters. Now if you think you can do better or you don't see yourself with him in any kind of way then i think you have waited long enough. It's about how you feel about him and how he feels about you. When that's worked out time will do the rest.

Good luck to you.
Hamlette replied to Danitd's response:
Thanks for your post. The feelings are there--I don't have any doubt of that on my or his side. If he wasn't worth it to me, I wouldn't care so much to want to be with him. There really is no one else for me. We really don't argue over things but there have been tears.

Time, for me, does make a difference because I guess I don't want to get used to missing him. From past experience, the more time I go without soming, I learn not to need it and I don't want that to happen here. From my previous replies, you can see that I can get defensive. No only that, I have personal goals of starting a family around my 30s so I couldn't have a kid or two (if you take it literally) without him. I plan to check out other options, like adopting or fostering, but in either of the options time will have an effect.

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