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How open are you to love?
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Leslie Becker-Phelps, PhD posted:
I'm sure you know the expression; You need to love yourself before you can love someone else. To that, I would add; You need to think someone else can love you before you feel loved. Together, these pieces of advice suggest that being in a loving relationship is based on both your relationship with yourself and your ideas of whether someone else can really be there for you.


How has your relationship been affected by the amount you value yourself?


And, do you truly believe that you can rely on your partner for support and reassurance? How open are you to sharing your deepest thoughts and feeling; and to turning to your partner when you are upset? For more on Relationship and Coping, please visit Dr. Becker-Phels on her blog for WebMD. The Art Of Relationships.
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candykissesaresweet responded:
dont look for love from someone else. i thinki just try to be accepted by the people in my life
 
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candykissesaresweet replied to candykissesaresweet's response:
am really sorry about my answer
 
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larsstarscanary responded:
I know I'm lovable, but I keep meeting people with so much emotional baggage--They've got stuff in their heads from previous relationships that has nothing to do with me, but they attempt to put it on me anyway.

No, thanks. I'm done, and I'm happy, even though I'm no spring chicken.
 
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Leslie Becker-Phelps, PhD replied to candykissesaresweet's response:
Why are you sorry about your answer?
 
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candykissesaresweet replied to Leslie Becker-Phelps, PhD's response:
know my typing is bad and i am sure if i gave a good answer. i have so many put downs lately . i cant see more. i have such a deep hate for myself more than i did
 
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Leslie Becker-Phelps, PhD replied to candykissesaresweet's response:
I can't remember if you are in therapy. If you are not, you could really benefit from finding a therapist you feel you can work with. If you are, I hope you are sharing everything with that person.
 
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candykissesaresweet replied to Leslie Becker-Phelps, PhD's response:
am and i have been so lucky to have him. right now i am at the hospital with my son. he is 14. h e has had 7 operations and 5 trips to the hospital. he may need another one
 
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candykissesaresweet replied to candykissesaresweet's response:
hope everyone here sees this . i am grateful to you all for your help. over time. you are such a wonderful group of people
 
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1nt3rnalc0mbu5t1on responded:
I am a firm believer in that quote, probably explains why all of my relationships fail. I have a very hard time seeing the good that others see in me, i assume it exists. But they are family members, they are supposed to support me, so when they tell me that im amazing or what ever adjective you wish to use, i assume they are just blowing smoke. I believe that quote so much, that I am starting to accept the fact that it is probably better off for me to be single, mostly to avoid hurting someone again. Although it is nice to have that companionship and a partner, but when you wrap yourself up with them, you begin to miss signs or read into things to deeply and over analyze what is going on, eventually just stressing yourself out. At least that seems to be my pattern. Also having high expectations from the relationship from the start, its just unhealthy, but i do it all the time and i end up pushing good people away.

Thankfully, since my divorce, i have started to feel more numb towards relationships and love seems to be something that i hopefully will not be able to feel.
 
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dfromspencer replied to 1nt3rnalc0mbu5t1on's response:
I'm guessing Dr. Becker-Phelps has not seen your response? So, i will jump in there and say, I sure hope you will consider therapy? Being "numb" to love is not a health aspiration. Love is what we humans seek in life. Loving yourself is the first step in finding true happiness. Love is the most wonderful of emotions. Without love, where would we be? Everyone has love, love of life, love of their offspring, love of their family, etc, etc.

I really, and truely hope, for your sake, that you dont give up on yourself. You deserve love as much as anyone. Seek, and you shall find. Or, dont seek, and love will find you.

One more thing, many of us have bad relationships. Don't let that spoil your chance for true happiness. So you got a divorce, big deal! So did I. I refuse to let one or several bad relationships spoil my chance to find that one special person. Right now, i am seeing someone that i feel nothing for. I must tell her that today. I am not looking foreward to that, but that is just the way it is. I will not give up my search! I hope you don't either.

Love is all around us! Good luck, Dennis
 
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rohvannyn replied to candykissesaresweet's response:
Candykissesaresweet, I'm responding to this before I read the other answers on purpose. I think you are right that you shouldn't look for love from anyone else. You should be strong in yourself so you aren't crippled when you don't have it. But, when you find it, you should treat love as the most precious gift you ever could get, hold it close to your heart, and cherish the person who gives you that gift, and give it back in full measure. Love openheartedly! I'm trying to keep those same lessons in mind for myself.
 
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rohvannyn responded:
Thanks for the blog post that accompanies this discussion. I think I'm going to share it with my spouse because there are elements in it that we both need to remember. Better yet, I'll try to internalize the advice contained within it and use that information to better our relationship. It occurs to me that my periodic lack of desire for love or closeness could be related to an idea that I'm not worthy of it, or perhaps a desire not to be disappointed.
 
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Leslie Becker-Phelps, PhD replied to 1nt3rnalc0mbu5t1on's response:
I have to agree with DfromSpencer; but then, deep down, I think you also agree. What I hear when I read this post is that you desperately want/need love but are afraid of getting hurt; so you are trying to numb yourself to being hurt, not really to love (I suspect that if there were a way to feel love and not risk feeling hurts, you'd grab it in a heartbeat!). But you also say that you want to "avoid hurting someone again." Without more information, I don't understand how you've hurt someone else in addition to you feeling hurt.

In any case, here's that problem with your understandable approach: Numbing yourself to love hurts, too! The hurt may not feel as sharp at first, but over time it goes just as deep and is more insidious. If this struggle continues and overwhelms you, I hope you try getting therapy.
 
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dfromspencer responded:
I value myself, and that goes for everyone else. I feel we must value each other even if we don't love the other. We value our friendships, don't we? If we love someone, we should value them, and give value to them.

If you truely love someone, you would absolutely trust them. Rely on them. Share with them everything about you, and who you are. There should be nothing you cannot tell the person you love, without fear of reprisal.

Love is the most important of all emotions. Without love, life would suck! As humans, we need to give love, and recieve love. Its a fact of life! Love is all around us. Enjoy it! Embrace it! Life is too short!

I had to tell this lady i was dating that there was just nothing there today. I know how much that hurts, and i feel terrible for doing that. I have not had a girlfriend for a very long time. I will not lead anyone on just for the sake of sex. I have not had sex in about 19 years now. I feel i must be in love with her before we have sex. Its a pact i made with myself so many years ago. One that i have agonizingly kept. I felt so strongly about this, not having sex just to have sex. Without love, sex is meaningless to me. I know i am a wierdo, but that is how i felt then, and that is how i feel now.

I hope i find that special person to share the rest of my life with! My hope is that everyone finds that special someone! Good luck, and good love! Dennis


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