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how to know when you are ready to leave your marriage
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An_246700 posted:
I have been with my husband for 9 years total we recently got married last December. I have found myself before our wedding and still to this day , feeling that I am not as in love with him as I use to be. I do love him, but I feel that I love him as a best friend, not as a husband. We have been together for a long time and broke up a few times before we got married. I started dating him when I was 17. I am not sure if I am feeling this way because I have never been single or if we are growing apart. Does anyone have any advise for me .
thank you
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Kloudnine responded:
Does he know that you are feeling, and have felt this way for some time now? If you felt this way before you got married, then may I ask why did you go through with the wedding? How is your relationship otherwise (overall)? I am asking because there wasn't much information provided in your post, and I guess it would be nice to get a better understanding of your relationship in general and why you are feeling the way you do before offering any advice.
 
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phoenix0551 replied to Kloudnine's response:
I have expressed my feelings and concerns about this before and after we got married. I was so excited to finally be engaged to him( i know sounds stupid) that I didn't really take the time to think and when I did and really started to listen to myself , and tried to talk to my sister and friends they said I was just having cold feet. I talked to him and seriously sat down and told him that I felt like he was a roommate more than my soon to be husband. He acknowledged it and promised to work on it together, and go back to having a "date night" and it would work for a while then it would go back to the same thing. Our relationship has been good we get along well enough and laugh and have fun , but we are generally with our friends so it almost feels at times we need our friends to keep us together. or they are a part of our relationship if that makes sense.
 
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Leslie Becker-Phelps, PhD replied to phoenix0551's response:
When you say the date nights would work for a while, do you mean that you felt more like a couple than friends?? If so, maybe you need to be doing more of that? Or, is there something that pulls you back from doing more of it?
 
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Kloudnine replied to phoenix0551's response:
It's good that you expressed your feelings to him, and that you both talked about it, but it sounds to me that things weren't taken too seriously if it just went back to being the same old thing only after trying for a while. It takes continuous effort, and not just a few date nights, or a few weeks of trying something different to work on your relationship, and most definitely takes effort and commitment on both parts.

As far as the engagement thing, that didn't sound stupid. I think some are just caught up in the idea of being engaged or getting married, that sometimes we tend to look past, and also forget, about the problems and issues in the relationship. After the excitement has died down, you realize that there are issues that need to be addressed, and getting engaged/married are not going to solve them.

If you don't mind me asking, how is your sex life? Is there still a physical attraction there?

I guess you need to ask yourself if this is what you want and if it is worth it to you to work on this marriage/relationship, and is he also willing to do the same, and actually stick to his promises by working on it continuously and not giving up after a while.
 
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rohvannyn responded:
I wonder if part of this is because you passed the "honeymoon phase" long ago and your relationship is just changing normally with time? At the same time, I can understand what it's like to feel that "just friends" feeling when you are trying to be a couple. Could it help, perhaps, to agree to take up a new interest together, to keep things fresh and interesting, and make it so you have more in common?
 
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phoenix0551 replied to Leslie Becker-Phelps, PhD's response:
We would make plans for our dinner night and we would go out but yes it would feel like we were more like very close friends. When we would continue 'date night" for awhile( really focusing on us) . I think the thing that would pull us or me back is I would get tired of every time we would go out we would most often be joined by friends. But when it came to just us, I guess I feel like I am living with my best friend.
 
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phoenix0551 replied to Kloudnine's response:
We did /have tried to do date nights at least once a week. But nothing ever came of it ( it would feel like I was with my best friend not my husband)

Our sex life has decreased significantly. We use to have sex as often as we could, but now we are down to maybe once every couple weeks and that is after I am asking him for it. I am attracted to him, but I am beginning to wonder if it is a familiarization attraction not the passion/attraction that we use to have.
 
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phoenix0551 replied to rohvannyn's response:
That's the thing we do a lot of stuff together , we spend as much time as we can together. But when we do I just feel like i'm doing things with my friend. (we have tried new things like we started camping and hiking.)
 
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fcl responded:
I think you need to take along hard look at what marriage means to you and what you expect from it. Do you see it as something temporary to let go of once the spark is gone or do you feel it is something that you should work on to make it last? Ask yourself why you got married, what was your motivation? What kind of changes did you foresee? How did you visualize your life once you were married? What do you need from your marriage?

Now ask yourself how your life would change if you left your marriage. What would your hopes be?

I know I'm asking a lot of questions

It's good that your husband is aware of how you feel and is willing to "work on it" but this kind of thing will only get better if you both work on it. Rather than go out for dinner on your date night, how about making the date about sex? Or dinner and sex? Experiment. Bring the fun back into the bedroom ...

Try this - go and buy a couple of "his and hers" books (the "making love to a man" and "making love to a woman" type of thing, there must be hundreds of them). You take the one about making love to a woman (no, not a typo). You read it and highlight all the things in it that you would like to try. Your husband, meanwhile, is doing the same with the "making love to a man" book). Then you exchange books. You get to choose something from the things he highlighted in his book on the first date (but you don't tell him what it will be in advance). On the next date, he gets to pick what he wants to do to you from the things that you highlighted.

Sometimes the spark is still there and only needs a little fanning ...
There's nothing inherently dirty about sex, but if you try real hard and use your imagination you can overcome that.
 
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phoenix0551 replied to fcl's response:
Thank you for your help.
 
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dfromspencer responded:
What made you fall in love with him in the first place? Go back to the beginning, and concentrate on what made you fall in love. Perhaps you may have forgotten why you fell in love with him?

I too, went through that very same feeling after i was married. It passed after i thought about why i fell in love with her. Try that, i hope it helps.

Dennis
 
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Leslie Becker-Phelps, PhD responded:
Feeling as you do can be really hard -- and make you just want to throw in the towel. But, I'm wondering if any of these replies are helping you to rethink where you are in your relationship -- and how much hope you have. Also, given that there was a time when you felt in love (there was, right?), I'm wondering if you think any of these suggestions might be helpful - even if they might take some time and effort to work.

I'm also wondering where your husband is with all of this now. Is he worried about your marriage and actively wanting to work on this with you? (If not, I'd see that as a sign of a deeper problem)
 
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phoenix0551 replied to dfromspencer's response:
honestly i don't remember why we fell in love in the first place . we were friends first then it just went from there . but lately I feel more like friends again then anything else.
 
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phoenix0551 replied to Leslie Becker-Phelps, PhD's response:
I have openly spoke of my feelings with him and he has acknowledged my feelings and is trying. but my feelings haven't changed.


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