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Recently Divorced, moved back in with family to get back on my feet, hesitant to start dating again
1nt3rnalc0mbu5t1on posted:
I went through a divorce a little over a year ago, in the process i relocated and am currently staying with family to help get my finances together and get back on my feet. Lately I have wanted to start dating again, but i am self conscious about living at "home". To the point where I am embarassed by the fact that after living on my own after highschool and college, that i am back under someone elses roof. Given those circumstances I find it difficult to approach women, because I hate admitting the fact that i dont have my own place. Am I making a big deal out of nothing? I plan on getting on my own as soon as i can, even if that means living with roommates in my same age group, 30ish. Any thoughts would be greatly appreciated.

3point14 responded:
hehehe I of course had to creep on your posts, sorry to be a stalker.

Don't be ashamed of where you're at in life! It's not like you squandered your money, you had a legitimate hardship and now you're recouping financially. Any woman worth your time is going to understand that.

I think you're making a big deal of nothing.
1nt3rnalc0mbu5t1on replied to 3point14's response:
I'll have my lawyer contact you about the restraining order lol...And now your going to make me unpack more of my luggage. making a big deal out of nothing is something i have found i am very good at, especially when it involves me. Thankfully, i was reading a book a few days ago and it really helped me understand many of my issues. One of which is toxic shame, i find a way to shame myself for what ever goes wrong, no matter if i had anything to do with it or not. One way or another ill find a way to burdon the blame. Stupid i know and i am an intelligent person who is very logical, but yet i cant get my mind to grasp the concept that not everything that goes wrong in life is my fault. It is something that i am starting to work on and hopefully one it day it will get thru my thick skull.

Thanks for chiming in!

Leslie Becker-Phelps, PhD responded:
Just as pi said, your situation is totally understandable. Think of it this way: if you had a friend in a similar situation, would you think less of him or be understanding? I suspect you'd understand.

On your other thread, I suggested that you might find some of my writing helpful. In line with what I'm saying here, you might want to read: See Your Imperfect Self as Precious .
3point14 replied to 1nt3rnalc0mbu5t1on's response:

Making a big deal out of nothing is kind of my area of expertise as well. It's sucky, because even at times where it would benefit me to shut up my internal dialogue, it's almost impossible. I'm glad for your sake that you're working on it, and encourage you to continue! The bigger detriment to joy is self-doubt, and once you master skills to shut up that little voice in your head, I'm sure your situation will seem less dire to you.

I feel like intelligent, logical people are the most apt to shoulder the blame in situations because it's typically easier for people like that to see every side of things. When your point of view is adaptable and you have weaker people blaming you for stuff, it's easy to think "Well, maybe I could've handled that differently". Just remind yourself (all the time, if you have to), that not every thing is under your control.

Keep up the good mental work. And as a fellow self-doubter, I'll pass on the advice my therapist gave me: write down your feelings, and what leads to them. If there is something that you're feeling that's not logical to the things leading up to it, sometimes having that little bit of remove by writing it down can really help a lot.
1nt3rnalc0mbu5t1on replied to 3point14's response:
Thanks for the advice, i do write, albeit poetry. Which can be a blessing and curse, it helps get things off of my chest. But when writing it tends to be very dark and grim. So in doing that, i tend to get myself in more of a hole. In all the years i have been writing poetry, i have really only successfully written a cheery poem about twice. But i do see the point in your exercise and it is something i will try to work into my daily routine. In regards to the intelligent/logical person, the book im reading touches on that and it says that alot of people with my type of issues, fit into that mold. And it is our logical/analytical way of thinking that doesnt help our process, because we over analyze EVERYTHING. And in some way shape or form, find a way to find it to be our fault or misdoing. I am guilty as charged for this one. it would be awesome to just turn my mind off for a week or so and just be able to enjoy the things around me with out becoming self conscious of something. I couldnt even relax on vacation at the beach.

I am so greatful for everyone's input.


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