Relationships and Coping Community

BINGO! Yes, I have all of them and have done from the very start many years ago. I suppose it was for that reason that I knew he was the right one for me very quickly.

Thank you for that information.

Hi Dr. Phelps! I really need advice. I have been married to my husband almost 2 years and i felt i hit the jackot. Damian is my husbands name and he is so charming, and sweet. When we first started talking he told me everything about him; even the bad things that happend in his life. For example, he was molested by a male family member when he was just a child, yet i find most people;especially men don't share that information so early. My husband also told me he was exposed to sex at an early age; his father had a naked woman in there home and told Damian to touch her; my mouth hit the floor. I wasn't sure what to think about that. But to fast forward, i am 6 months pregnant; it was unexpected; yet we are both excited about our new arrival. I came across some disturbing discoveries, My husband likes being on chat sites, especially singles. He likes porn sites, but what man doesn' t thats not the main issue. I confronted him about it after i came across some txt's he made to a couple of women, first he got made for the simple reason i went thru his phone and ipod etc. I felt that something was wrong and i knew he wasn't going to be honest with me. I told him to delete the contacts, he claim he did. Now a few months later he is doing the same thing, i did threaten to leave him if i ever come across these contacts or any new ones. I'm so close to having our baby, i don't know what to do. He give me this lame excuse he's thinks he is going thru a mid life crisis; and that may be at our age, he is 35. The crushing thing is he knows what i been thru in past relationships, if he want to run around , why ask me to marry you. I can't say i caught him physicaly wiht another woman, but he was damn near close to it, and his response to that " oh its just words. What should i do, because he turned sown counseling.

I'm not sure if i've found Mr. right or not-yet. I've been dating my boyfriend for almost 7 mnths and stuff keeps getting in the way with him seeing me. He promised he would come and see me this weekend but his car broke down 3 wks ago. he told me that he was going to take the train to come anc see me but last nite he told me, that he can't bacause one, dsn't have the money, and second-feel like he keeps making excuses. one more thing, your significant other should want to come to your faily members wedding because they love you and want to spend time with you..right? He said hes coming for me and my family, when in reality he should be coming for "US". what do u think I should do?

Mendezward- You are in a really tough situation. His issues clearly go way back; and will likely require focused effort through therapy to get past them. And it doesn't sound, from your description, that he has the intent to deal with this in a serious way in or out of therapy. It also sounds like you think he is just going to continue his current behavior. So, the question becomes how important it is for you to have him stop it. Are you at the point where you are willing to walk away? Or, to give him an ultimatum to go to therapy with you or you will leave? The other options I can think of are for you to ignore this (not, in my opinion, a good option) or for the two of you to have an ongoing dialogue about this -- honestly, I don't imagine it going well, but you might want to try it.

It's too easy for people on the outside to tell you what to do - but you are the one who has to live with the consequences. So, I believe you need to think long and hard about your options. Discuss them with friends or here. Whatever road you choose will not be easy, but it can really help to believe you are doing the right thing or the best that you can given your circumstance.

I think you need to pay attention to your gut instinct. Talk with him about your concerns and see how he responds. If he gets defensive rather than responds with understanding, think about whether this is the kind of relationship you want. I find it less concerning that he goes to a family wedding for you rather than for "us" because ultimately he is saying that he is doing it for "us" (making you happy makes him happy) - but talk with him about your feelings related to this, too. A really important part of relationships is being able to share your thoughts and emotions and to feel understood and cared about. Good luck.

Thank You Dr. Phelps! I will approach him again about this, and rate his reaction. If he blows up again it is a for sure sign, but i have to show him i mean business. So it can go either way. Will let you know what happens.

Good luck!

Thanks for your advice! I've told him how I feel about how things are going and how i feel things are going with us, as well. To be honest, when I've told him how i felt about things in the past; he would get defensive. Also, he makes me happy in so many other ways. For example, hes not forcing the issue of intimacy between us..one because he loves me and two cause he doesn't me to do anything that I'm not ready for. Besides that, he interupt me when I'm talking to him and I find that not only that its big-he is being controlled by his mom. It's really affecting our relationship and plus she hates me too. Lastly, I think I have gone well beyond for him (texting him,calling, driving to see him..way too much. Please tell me what to do because in my other relationships I've had to be the one to end it.I've told him that the only way that I will end things will be is that he -is Not the "one" for me . i mite be thinking about this the whole wknd of my brothers wedding, and hes coming.

I encourage you to continue talking with him -- this should be an ongoing dialogue, not a one or two-time conversation. Let us know how things unfold. Also, I hope you enjoy your brother's wedding!

dear dr. becker-phelps:
I love reading your articles, and particularly resonated with this one. I have been in a long distance relationship with a man for a year and a half, where we have developed a deep connection, care, respect, and love for each other. I did not expect this when I first met him, nor ever thought I would develop the feelings I have. Everything you stated (believe your partner is a good person, trust, etc.) that is all there for me! He always appreciates everything I do, cares for me, respects me, makes me laugh, is there for me when i need his support, and many more things... I feel true intimacy w/him and I truly think he is the one for me. The only thing is he is not physically there for me all the time. He was bi-coastal and recently permanently switched across the country for work. When he broke the news, I clarified if we were over and he said no. I feel he won't ask me to move because he thinks it is for a woman to move when she has her career, friends, family, and life going for her and to leave it would be leaving all her hard work & life would be unfair to her. This talk was months ago (about another couple we know) and I'm afraid to approach it directly concerning me about moving there. I think if I made the move on my terms "for me, my desire" that he would be happy. but recently i became afraid... of bringing up my plan to move in a year, afraid if it doesn't work out, afraid of time and my biological clock/the possibility of children if it doesnt work out, and afraid of moving from the life I find pretty good (especially financially during this rough economic time). however, when i think of life without him-- then moving would be a great, worth it all life compared to a pretty good life and staying put here.
I realized this is the only thing i cannot bring myself to talk about w/ him and i'm wondering if these thoughts are normal and/or if moving is a bad idea. can more time only solidify my questions? but if i want to have a family, then i have to stand up for what i want in life so that i can move forward w/a like-minded man? i am a very easy going and understanding woman. the last thing i want is to sound like is neurotic woman giving him an ultimatum. but i kind of need to know his grand plan in order to make mine. i don't know what to do about all of this. please shed some thoughts.

Your thoughts and concerns are absolutely understandable! This is a big decision that you need to think carefully about. Rather than think about talking with him as presenting an ultimatum, consider the conversation as a way of opening your heart to him. Share your thoughts, feelings, questions, and concerns as a way of sharing yourself and of connecting with him. This will hopefully help the two of you connect and deepen your relationship around an extremely important topic; as well as work together on addressing it. Good luck and please let us know how it goes.

After being in an abusive relationship, it took me a long time to actually date someone else. The person I am with now I've dated before and now we are back together. We always been great together but reading this article confirmed that I am with the right person. He's a good person, I trust him & he trusts me, I feel loved & accepted, I can talk to him about ANYTHING and he supports my interests 100%.

QB

QB- Thanks for sharing this; and putting a smile on my face. I'm truly happy for you. Be well.

Dear Dr,
I've just found out my husband of 30 years had been having an affair with a woman half his age. They have known each other for 4 yrs through emails, text and phone conversations. He even had the gall to speak with her right infront of me and pretended to be having a business conversation. Apparently he had hired her to be his personal assistant and had been accompanying him on business trips. He had been using one of our joint business accounts to fund his relationship by cash withdrawals. He even opened a credit card under my name, forged my signature, for her to use for shopping. I only found out about it because the collection agency came after me! Recently I discovered credit card statements, hotel receipts, naked sexually explicit photos of his love interest on his computer, etc. I confronted him with it and of course at first denied it. When it finally was evident to him that I had too much information to deny it's existence, he admitted but with little remorse. The tears came later but I am not sure it was really remorse or that it was just from the fact that he finally broke it off according to him. After much painful discussion through several weeks, we agreed to give our marriage a chance to survive, agreeing to change some of our behaviors that may have contributed to this occurence. I am having a difficult time. I have trusted this man with my life for this long. My world is turned upside down. I need some guidance since I don't quite know what to feel. Please help.