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What Do I Do
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Afraid4MyFuture posted:
Me and my fiance have been together for 5 years and for the past 3 he has not seemed to have any interest in sex. He tells me he dont know why, or if we are fighting, its because i am such a nasty angry person who fights all the time. I tell him it takes 2 to fight, and love is unconditional. You should be able to make love wether we are fighting or not. I dont expect it right then and there, but when we go 2-3 mos. there is a real problem. If i didnt know better, which I do, i would swear he was cheating. I know he's not. I have tried to get him to go to the doctor for low t testing, but i think he feels less of a man or something. Any one have some help for a sexually frustrated and loyal fiance?
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3point14 responded:
The problem here is communication. You either need to get to a point where you can figure out what his physical problem is, or figure out why he's not attracted to you anymore.

How often do you fight? What about? How do you two make up? Do you try to talk about sex with him when you're not in the heat of the moment or frustrated? How do you try to make him feel like more of a man when you discuss him seeing a doctor?

When do you plan on being married to him? No offense, but why are you still planning on marrying someone who for the bulk of your relationship doesn't want to have sex with you? They call it "making love" for a reason, and when your partner is refusing to show you the physical manifestation of love for so long, I can't imagine how lonely you must feel. How does he feel about it?

I wish you the best of luck.
 
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dfromspencer responded:
Your Fiance` may be suffering from low t, or maybe he has e.d.? I feel it is essential that you get him to see a Dr.! If only for his peace of mind? And yours.

He is acting the way i did, when i first started having symptoms of e.d. I started losing interest in sex. I started arguments to avoid sex. I did not, however, lose interest in my wife, just the sex part.

Convince him to see a Urologist, for both of your sakes.

Good luck, Dennis
 
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Afraid4MyFuture replied to 3point14's response:
Thank you for your input. I agree communication is an issue with us. I have asked him to see a doctor for low t testing and put it out there more for the lack of energy and interest in normal activities or hobbies rather than making it all about the sexual aspect. I don't feel that we fight as much as he does. He feels that if I disagree with him then we are fighting. We don't really make up so much as just move on and leave the issue in the past, until it comes up again, of course. He isn't much of a sharer or conversationalist. I still want to marry him because he is a wonderful man and sex isn't something I feel makes or breaks a commitment. But more love making sure wouldn't hurt it either. Lol.
 
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Leslie Becker-Phelps, PhD replied to Afraid4MyFuture's response:
"We don't really make up so much as just move on..."

That might explain a lot. Issues, tensions and distance can build when problems are not addressed. This can cause underlying anger and a lack of interest in sex. So, as you have acknowledged, communication is definitely something you need to work on.

Also, you say that he has a lack of energy and interest in normal activities or hobbies. It makes me wonder whether he is suffering from depression. He might benefit from being evaluated for this.

I wish you both well in working through this.
 
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3point14 replied to Afraid4MyFuture's response:
Honestly, he sounds depressed to me. Did anything happen three years ago that might have affected him deeply?

And I agree with Dr. Becker-Phelps, letting things go and waiting until it comes up again is a big thing to work on. Things never really go away, they just get deeper and bigger into your relationship until you start to really resent the other person. Would you two consider therapy? Sometimes having another unbiased person can help break through communication difficulties.

I didn't mean to imply that sex was a reason not to marry someone (though to me it definitely would be), but his refusal to fix it would be a huge deal to me. Have you tried to explain to him that his lack of communication is making you feel unwanted? Maybe that's why he feels like you fight more than what you feel you fight, he could be feeling distant and isn't able to communicate that. Have you told him times that you're disagreeing "I'm not fighting with you, we just have a difference of opinion"?

Best of luck, and I hope you two can get through this in a way that satisfies you both.
 
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Afraid4MyFuture replied to Leslie Becker-Phelps, PhD's response:
[TRIGGER] Dr. Phelps,
Thank you for your insight. I know for a fact he is depressed, has ADHD, and in my opinion either bipolar or BPD. I am trying to help educate him on my illness while using reverse psychology to get him to practice the same coping skills as I need to work on my own illness by expressing it as helping me. The hardest thing to pull out of him is communication. He will not discuss his feelings. He just says he isn't really thinking about anything and doesn't know how he feels about this and that, possibly to avoid hurting my feelings with his true feelings. I am not ready to give up yet. I believe that we can reach that common ground, even if I have to work a little harder at it than him. When I was first diagnosed I was in a mental health rehab facility for drinking bleach in my beer. Before that I first tried pills and all I did was sleep really well. Probably the best nights sleep I have ever had. The second cry for help was a very long, large and deep gash across my wrist. As I was on the floor of the bathroom watching the blood gush out and run down the floor he bursts in and I can't imagine what horror that must have been for him. After my stay in the hospital, I had to plainly tell him that the only way we can stay together is if we both stop doing everything we were doing - drugs, drinking, you name it. Most guys would have run for the hills, but he stayed and did as I asked for the health of us both and our relationship. Now, however, I wonder if he resents me for the ultimatum or maybe stays because he thinks I will hurt myself if he leaves. I try talking to him about these things and he responds that he stays because he cares about me and loves me. I'm just trying to take it one day at a time and focus on my health and goals. Of course, that is easier said than done. God give me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference, Amen.

Afraid4MyFuture
 
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Afraid4MyFuture replied to 3point14's response:
3point14,
It's like you're right here in my relationship. Yes, I have suggested therapy, I express that we are not fighting just disagreeing, that his lack of interest in the health of our relationship makes me feel as if we are roommates rather than a couple considering marriage. He can't stand the idea of airing our "dirty laundry" as they used to say, telling others our problems. Yet, he will throw the opinions of his sister and our friend out there during a heated discussion, which tells me he has been talking to them but he won't talk to me. Hmmm. These are all reasons why we have no date set. I say it's because I want to finish nursing school first, but it's because I have learned my lesson in my first two marriages. Communication, feeling safe and stable, the ability to look into your future and see the both of you together without any doubt are all extremely important needs for a happy, healthy and long lasting life together. All I can do is give it my all, and if he isn't willing to do the same then eventually we will go our seperate ways. I just have to feel as if I have done absolutely everything I could on my part before I call it quits, I don't give up easily and that way I will have no regrets wondering if I could have done this or that, ya know?

Afraid4MyFuture
 
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Afraid4MyFuture replied to Afraid4MyFuture's response:
Oh, and one more thing 3point14. I agree with you regarding the love making issue. It holds a lot of importance to me as well. The closeness and stress relief I get from those moments are a necessity and for him to be so whatever about it chaps my azz raw. I tell him it's a source of stress relief for me and that if we could do it more often I would be less crabby more often, and the closeness might help calm some of the self conciousness I feel as it would show an interest in me as a lover and partner instead of the roommate feeling I so often feel. Communication for me is not a problem, I am eager to improve our relationship. I just don't know how to get him to open up, talk and accept that he has work to do as well.
 
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3point14 replied to Afraid4MyFuture's response:
Why do you think he thinks you would hurt yourself if he left? Have you moved on past your suicidal ideations? I hate to be cold, but like...you don't owe him for sticking by you that whole time. I mean, it's great that he did and I know you feel like you owe him a lot, but you've brought yourself away from that using your own inner strength. Just because someone is great for you at one point in your life doesn't mean you owe them the rest of your life.

I understand his aversion to therapy, I used to be very anti-therapy myself. But do you think if you just told him straight forwardly "If we do not see a counselor, I will end this relationship" that he would go see one? Is he as dedicated to this relationship as you are? I hate to say it, but you've done a LOT to make it work and you've been the catalyst of any and all good change (according to your posts) and he's just gone along with it. That doesn't make him a bad guy, but do you want to be with someone who you can't really communicate with, doesn't want to fix it, and doesn't make you feel loved and cherished for the rest of your life? Again, I understand how he feels about it, but at the same time, his feelings about therapy should be secondary to his wanting to stay with you. He should want to better himself and this relationship so you can BOTH be happy and healthy.

I was pleased when you said communication wasn't a problem for you, but if it's a problem for him, it's a problem in your relationship. You can't dance with someone who doesn't want to, no matter how good of a dancer you are: you can't have an open relationship with someone who refuses to be open. I know it's frustrating that he won't get with the program, but that's his choice. He's choosing not to improve your sexual and emotional relationship.

I guess my last bit of advice is the advice I give all my friends. When women talk about giving their "all" in a relationship, I get pissed. If you give your all to a relationship, what do you have left that's just yours? And pragmatically, I don't think men find it attractive when you just take what they give you. I think most men like a woman who will assert herself, and even if it means ending up alone, I think you'd respect yourself more for having the ability to walk away from something that, while it isn't terrible, just isn't working for you. You deserve a relationship that makes you HAPPY, not just is functional, ya know?

Best of luck.
 
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Leslie Becker-Phelps, PhD replied to Afraid4MyFuture's response:
Wow, you've been through a lot. I give you a lot on credit to keep yourself moving on a positive path. Also, you clearly have had some mental health treatment in the past, but are you in therapy now? Your issues (alone and with him) run deep and are clearly complicated; so I think therapy might be your best bet to work this all through. I hope you find your way to a place when you are not afraid for your future; and are even happy.


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