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Unhealthy Abusive Relationship
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TMW82 posted:
[TRIGGER] My husband and I have been together for 11 years. Our relationship is unhealthy and abusive. I really have NO ONE I can talk to. At one point I confided in a co-worker who I thought I could trust but she told me that if I wasn't going to leave him that she didn't want to hear about my problems. I was devastated and haven't spoken to anyone about it since. The abuse began a year into our relationship. After dating for a year we moved to be close to his family. He took me to a strip club and suggested I work there for a couple of months. I ended up dancing for 3 years. I can't tell you how many times I broke down crying and begging him to work so that I could get a normal job. During this time was when the physical abuse started. Never any major injuries, the worst was a black eye and bloody nose. He would always apologize afterwards and say he didn't know what he would do without me and that he needed help. 2 months before I graduated college I found out I was pregnant. I quit dancing. He abused me during this time but limited himself to hitting me in the head. The physical abuse has lessened over the years but he is constantly angry and it is like walking on eggshells. The name calling is out of control. The only time he is nice to me is when he wants sex. It has gotten to the point where he doesn't even apologize. He just acts like nothing happened. If I try and bring it up he just gets angry. Recently he wanted to have sex. It was a Sunday night at 9:30 and he had been mean for about a week straight. In the past he had told me to tell him if I'm not in the mood cause he can tell and it's hard for him to get turned on when I am not into it. So I said I am not in the mood tonight, he replied "when are you ever" and yanked off my shorts. I told him if he would be nicer to me it would be easier for me to get turned on. At that point he pushed me away and lost it. He called me a whore and said he's thought I was a whore for the past 10 years. He was yelling "Who are you sleeping with?" At one point he put the covers over my head and pushed my head into the bed so that I couldn't breathe. He grabbed me around the waist and stuck his finger into my vagina through my panties twice. That was the most degrading thing I have ever had done to me. By the end of it I had 2 huge lumps on my head and a swollen bruise on my thigh. I also had broken blood vessels under my eyes which I think was from when he held my face under the covers and I couldn't breathe. 2 days later he was back to acting like nothing had happened. A week has gone by since this incident and we are both back to acting normal but I can't get it out of my head. I am dying on the inside. We have had sex twice since but I just had to pretend to be into it. I have been fantasizing about a guy I was friends with in high school. We had sex a couple of times right before going off to college but haven't been in touch since. I've looked him up online and he is doing great. He is educated and has a good career, he coaches youth sports, he loves animals and the outdoors. He's everything my husband is not. Which I know is why I am fantasizing about him. He is what I want my husband to be. The thing is, my fantasies are not all sexual. It's more that I fantasize about someone being nice and caring about me. My husband said recently that if he ever gets a job with insurance he would like to go to a therapist because he thinks he needs to be on medication but in my heart I know he will never go to a therapist unless he is forced to. I need HELP. I don't know what to do. I don't want my daughter growing up thinking this is how a relationship is supposed to be and I don't want my son to grow up and abuse women. But at the same time I want our family to stay together. But something needs to happen. I am so desperate for someone to treat me well and actually care about me. I know I have my kids love and all but I need companionship as well and I'm not getting it from my husband.
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lissmeanstrouble responded:
Im sorry but I agree with your co-worker.
Your husband has been nothing but disresepctful of you and your feelings your ENTIRE relationship from what I am hearing and you NEED to leave him, plain and simple. Therapy will not heal the years of abuse hes done to you, and there is no excuse for it, hes got you brainwashed, and I havent a clue why you would put up with being treated that way, and of course you are fantisizing about your ex, he is EVERYTHING your husband isnt.... any man who treats his wife like that, Im sorry but he is a insecure coward.
The only way your children will escape his madness is for you to leave him, dont let your mistake of marrying him be life long, if you ask me your husband doesnt even deserve a relationship with his children if he can not respect the woman who gave them to him!
 
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3point14 responded:
GET OUT GET OUT GET OUT

Why on earth do you want your family to stay together if your husband is part of it? You can still be an excellent, loving mother without getting molested, beaten and abused.

((hugs))

Your post made me cry, hun. I've been a victim of sexual/emotional/physical abuse myself and I know how scary it is, how much it hurts, the fear, the self-loathing and doubt. Nobody deserves that, least of all your children. You owe it to them to get out of there and don't look back.

If you have friends, family, stay with them. You don't have to get into the "why"s of it, just get out. Bring your kids and enough clothing and other supplies that you wouldn't have to go home for a few weeks (when your husbands rage is apt to be at its highest). If you don't have friends or family, go to a church. They'll either help you there directly, or be able to find a women's shelter where you and your children will be safe.


I am so, incredibly sorry for what you've gone through, and what you're going through. It was extremely brave of you to be this honest, and I know it was probably painful as hell. Hold on to that strength, though, and use it to get away from this situation. Nobody deserves it, your kids don't deserve this kind of relationship being how they see people connecting.

You know this isn't acceptable, and you HAVE to show your daughter especially that a woman does not let herself get treated this way. You HAVE to show your son that a man will end up alone if he treats someone this way. You have the power to get away from this, and you know he's lying when your husband says he loves you and wants to see a therapist. You know the name calling is unacceptable. Your fantasies show you know what you want in life, and it is up to you to get it for yourself. I wouldn't reccomend contacting this other man until you are divorced from your husband and have had some therapy to deal with the emotional fallout from being in a relationship like the one you've suffered in for the last decade. But you do deserve a fantasy man, even if it's not this one, a man who will love you, treasure you, respect you: love you as a sexual partner, mother, and friend.

It's up to you. Get out, find a safe place to be. Start rebuilding YOUR life for YOU and your children. Ignore this man. If he's like most abusers he'll catch the moon from the sky to win you back, make promises and plans that you know deep down in your soul he won't keep. You need to avoid contact with him, you need to get his poison out of your system.

You owe this to yourself, and the future you're capable of having. I wish you only the best of luck, and hope you're out of there soon.
 
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TMW82 responded:
Thank you both for listening. Deep down I know this is a harmful relationship and I need to leave. I'm a smart educated person so I really don't even understand myself why I stay. I have no family or friends as I moved so far away to be with him. Since I am the only one who has worked up until recently I am the one that legally owns the house and both of our vehicles. I also have 2 large breed dogs so really, I'd need him to be the one to leave as I can't expect someone to take in myself, my 2 kids and my 2 dogs. The only family I have close is his family. I am very close to his family and they know he has anger issues but no one other than his mother knows about the abuse. I do confide in his mother as we are very close and she listens but the only advice she offers is to not get on his bad side. She basically thinks I should avoid conflict with him. I know she loves me and wants me to remain family so her advice is from that view point. I feel like if I leave him I will be hurting so many people and letting so many down. My kids love him to pieces and even though they know he is mean and angry, they don't want us to get divorced (my daughter has said this). This most recent violent episode that happened last week was the first in more than a year. I had actually thought it had stopped. He gets very angry when he doesn't get sex on a regular basis and the fact that I brought up his meanness right before was what set him off. I feel like if I bring this topic up when he is in one of his better moods he will be caught blindsided because he doesn't grasp how bad and painful of a situation this is for me. Honestly, I am afraid that if I were to leave him he'd harm himself or come after me. He is the father of my children and I do care about him as a person even after all he has put me through and I wouldn't want him to harm himself. He is obviously a very emotionally unstable person. I do thank you both for "listening" and the advice given. I knew when writing my original post that the advice I would get would be to leave him so I'm not sure what I was looking for other than a "shoulder to cry on." Even though I care about him as a person, deep down I don't love him anymore as a partner. I wish I could leave, I just don't know that I will, even though to most I'm sure that sounds ridiculous given the circumstances. This is crazy but sometimes I wish I'd just catch him cheating on me or something so I would have an excuse to say it's over, which is silly because the abuse should be more than enough reason. Sorry to ramble just getting all my feelings out for the first time ever...
 
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3point14 replied to TMW82's response:
You have an "excuse" to leave. He beats you, molests you, has anger issues, is dangerous to you and your children, is an appalling example for your children, has isolated you completely, and doesn't actually "care" about you, he cares about controlling you.

This is what an abuser does. He makes you leave your family, support him, but make you feel like he's somehow supporting you. He traps you into feeling like you can't leave at all. He makes you feel like you're necessary to him. Honestly, he probably would come after you once you left...but basically what you're saying is that you'd rather LIVE WITH someone you are terrified of, rather than try to get away from it. Which makes no sense.

You're making excuses for him, just like his mother does. He doesn't get mad about sex, and wasn't mad about the comment you made. He's a sick person, and anything can set him off. You could be on your "best behavior", and it wouldn't matter, he would still have the issues he does and treat you the way he does.

You wouldn't be letting anyone down. Divorces are sad, but no happy couple divorces. No child wants their parents to divorce, but children don't understand the scope of adult relationships. How are you going to explain it to your children if this guy starts leaving bruises? How are you going to take care of your kids if this guy KILLS you?

It's OK to care about him as a person, but you're endangering yourself to continue living with him. Go to the police, get a restraining order if it'd be better that he be the one that leaves, but you absolutely need to get him out of your life.

Your unsympathetic co-worker was probably just frustrated that you make excuses for him, and don't want to leave him. An abusive relationship makes every relationship harder, and the people that care about you aren't exempt from that. Nobody wants to see you suffer. If you were a friend of mine and I had to hear about the horrors you go through and then watch you drive home to that every night, I wouldn't want to talk about it either. It's depressing, and scary. Some people would feel like an accessory to hear about it and not have you make any changes.

Intellect and education have nothing to do with abuse, and it's my opinion that smart people make better targets because their intellect allows them to make excuses for things and see "the other side" even when they shouldn't. You wouldn't be a failure to get out of a situation that's toxic for you and your children. You'd be a failure to let your children witness it and follow that example. How would you feel if your daughter was in this situation? How would you feel if you witnessed your son hitting his future wife? If you allow them to think a relationship like yours is normal, the chances are better of them emulating you.

Obviously it's your life and obviously nobody from an internet forum can make you change what you do. I just think honestly that you're killing yourself by staying, if not physically than emotionally. You're setting your children up for a painful, difficult childhood, and let's just keep our fingers crossed that he doesn't start beating them. For every day that you stay, you're telling your husband "I consent to have you treat me like this". And while that is your decision, I think you know deep down that it's the wrong one.
 
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Chris_WebMD_Staff responded:
Hiya and I'm sorry you are going through this very difficult time. Please know that hurting yourself is never the answer.
You really need to call the authorities on him.
I'm not a professional but I do know you need to call the police and call for help for yourself.
Here is a list of Crisis Assistant numbers for you to keep near. Your post was very hard to read, you deserve better and so do your children.
Please reach out for help.
Chrissy~

Life is too short, so kiss slowly, laugh insanely, love truly and forgive quickly.
Author Unknown
 
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tmlmtlrl replied to TMW82's response:
I honestly can't put the energy into a long or proper response but I had to say this: don't you dare ever repeat to your daughter that you stayed with him because she didn't want you two to divorce when she was a child. That is a cop out of your own. She should never be responsible for what you are choosing.

And it's really not likely you'd leave him if he cheated on you. I know you'd like to tell yourself that you have that as a limit, but you know your limits have already been crossed and he could do whatever he wants to you.

I really feel sorry for you and your children. I hope you decide to leave before the children are grown and resent you for not protecting them.
 
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Leslie Becker-Phelps, PhD responded:
After reading this, I suggest that rather than seeking out a therapist as I suggested in another thread, you contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline . They can help you find a center near you that can assist you. They will understand your dilemma, give you a shoulder to cry on, provide you with helpful information, and even provide a shelter if you need one. PLEASE CONTACT THEM. You do not have to be alone in figuring this all out yourself; and as much as we care here, we can't help the way domestic violence agencies can.

I could say more about how horrible your situation is, but I think it's all been said by others who have responded. Please do what you need to to keep yourself and daughter safe - and alive.
 
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Anon_128523 responded:
On July 9th I came home from a funeral and haven't been able to go to sleep at night without crying because of it. The funeral was for my co-worker's daughter, granddaughter ( and grandson (4). His daughter was married for 13 years to her husband who abused her for 11 of the 13 years or their marriage. This last year he also started abusing both of their children. The week before the 4th of July he started threatening to kill his wife because he just couldn't handle her anymore, he kept saying he hated her.On the 4th of July his wife and children went to her parents (my co-workers) for a bbq because the husband had to work. When they got home from the bbq the husband was there acting as sweet as can be. Once he got them all inside he shot his wife 3 times in the head in front of his 2 young children. He then turned the gun on both of them. Before he killed himself he got on facebook and let everyone know what he had done, then he shot himself.

This isn't to upset you, it is to make you realize that waiting doesn't make things get better or go away. Staying for your kids isn't always what is best for them. When he starts beating them will you finally do something to protect them? You have to take responsibility for your children and what they are exposed to. Take the dogs to a shelter and leave. The house and the cars won't be much of a concern if he decides to take the path of my story above. You may think he would never do that but I am sure this woman thought the same. By the way, this wives brother was a state patrol and her mom works with battered women to help them find a safe place. She never went to either of them for help. Just imagine if she had.
 
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Anon_128523 replied to Anon_128523's response:
That face wasn't suppose to be there. It was suppose to be a number eight.
 
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Lefty2121 replied to TMW82's response:
Don't want until it's too late and you leave in a body bag!! Sorry to be so blunt but you need a wake up call!! He needs Prozac, Zoloft or heaver anti-psychotics drugs!!
 
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Lefty2121 replied to Anon_128523's response:
OMG! This is terrible! So hard to imagine this! They are in a better better now! I hope that it's not to late for the person that posted this orginal thread!
 
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SOFISTICATED40SUMTHIN responded:
as a mother I couldnt see myself staying with someone b/c of divorce or what anyone has to say. I left my husband after 16 yrs because he got into drugs and I had a daughter and a son. I REFUSED to have my daughter think this is how we deserve to be treated or to tolerate things that are unhealthy.and my son? theres no way, I was going to have him think that thats how a man is suppose to react to things in life or even treat anyone anyway thats negative!!!
yes, i wanted my kids to grow up with a mom & dad but c'mon, this isnt tv, this is real life and we have to deal with it the right way, the only ppl that matter are your kids!!! They will NEVER appreciate you for staying with someone so negative and believe me when I tell you, those kids are going to treat you in the same manner as your husband because you are showing them that this is how its suppose to be.
Dont let it be too late honey, run with your kids. Have faith in God, he'll help you through this. Dont die in this mans hands, where will your kids end up????
 
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kisha252 replied to SOFISTICATED40SUMTHIN's response:
I FELL SO BAD U HAVE TO GET AWAY MY DAD BEAT MY MOM FOR YEARS AND I HAVE FORGAVE HIS OLD TALE BUT I HATE HIM FOR IT MY MOTHER HAS BEEN DEAD FOR FIVE YRS AND HURTS LIKE YESTERDAY U HAVE TO LEAVE .... IM PRAYING FOR ILL SEND U MY NUM AND WE CAN PRAY TOGEATHER THERE IS HELP OUT THERE PLZ GO GET IT
 
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NOTSUROK replied to kisha252's response:
I AM SORRY YOUR GOING THROUGH THIS.. I STAY WITH MY EX FOR YEARS THINKING HE WILL CHANGED. HE NEVER DID CHANGED. I FINALLY GAVE UP. MY GIRLS SAW THERE DAD HITTING ON ME..AS THEY GREW UP THEY WERE MAD AT ME FOR PUTTING THEM THROUGH THAT ABUSVIE .. TILL THIS DAY MY GIRLS DISRESPECT ME MY YOUNGEST ONE HAS A BF WHO IS SO DISRESPECTFUL SHE GET TREATED LIKE CRAP.. I TELL HER SHE DESERVE BETTER.. HOW THEY WERE RAISE BY A ABUSIVE LIFE THEY DO IT.. YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO LEAVE NOW WITH YOUR KIDS LISTEN WHAT EVERY ONE HAS TO SAY. IT WILL HURT YOU WHEN YOU MAKE THAT MOVE, BUT IN THE LONG RUN YOU WILL BE BETTER OFF AND HAPPY.. WE CAN GIVE YOU THE ADVISE BUT ONE DAY, YOU WILL GET TIRED OF BEING SICK AN TIRED, YOUR GOING TO SAY TO YOUR SELF I AM DONE GETTING BEAT ON. PACK A BAG AHEAD OF TIME LOOK INTO SHELTERS BEFORE YOU MAKE THAT MOVE TAKE ALL YOUR IMPORTANT THINGS WITH YOU..BE STRONG WHEN YOU DO IT.. GO BACK BACK TO HIM..HE KNOW HE WON...GOOD LUCK


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