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Is my fiance obsessed?
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An_247282 posted:
I used to have a lot of guy friends but my fiance made me get rid of them, along with any and all of my gal pals that talked to guys on a regular basis. He treats me like a princess most of the time, but once when he caught me texting some guy friends (JUST FRIENDS), he beat me and threatened to kill me if he couldnt have me to himself. He keeps telling me if i wasnt with him, he'd kill himself.. he's attempted it a couple of times but i fixed our relatioship both times. He acts like i belong to him. He once he made me drink some alcohol and i only had a couple beers but i acted wasted so he wouldnt force more down my throat. He acted like he didnt want me to remember that night, and half an hour later, i found out why. Mind you, i wasnt wasted, even though i acted it, but i was a little tipsy. He made me have sex with him. I dont hold it against him, since he was drinking too. I forgave him and myself. I love him more than anything. I love that he is always there for me. I love how i mean everything to him. And I dont want out of this relationship. But i need to know if his feelings for me are unhealthy so i can get him help..
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Anon_51595 responded:
Your instincts are right on the money.

He is abusive. If you are eventually without friends and depending on him, no one will miss you if he does kill you.

A normal person want friends. Becoming friends with your friends is normal. Isolating you from everyone who helped make you a happy person before he met you is not loving behavior.

No guy who likes you will force alcohol on you, or force you o have sex ever. Sex is about affection and joy, not just "doing it". And he should not need to be drunk, ever.

You really need to rescue yourself from this guy.

If he kills himself, its not your fault. It sounds like he may kill you, too. That will be a sad day for all your former friends, men and women.

I am sure he has a history of violence against women. You are just the latest.
 
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3point14 responded:
Do you really feel like he would've been justified in beating you and threatening suicide if you were texting a guy who wasn't "just friends"? That's nuts.It doesn't matter what the "reasons" are for abuse, an abusive person will create "reasons" to treat you exactly how they want to. Which in this case, is terribly.

Fixing your relationship isn't on just your shoulders, it's on both of yours, but because you don't see his physical and emotional abuse as something that he has to "fix", you will not be treated well by this man, ever.

He's not there for you. He's a rapist, abuser, manipulator. By allowing yourself to stay in that situation, you are consenting to being treated that way. An abuser will always make sure there's enough "good" in a relationship to keep you there. Treating you "like a princess" but attempting suicide and blaming you? That's not treating you like a princess,that's keeping you on a rollercoaster, unbalanced enough that you don't quite want to get off it. Not fair to you.

Is drinking really an excuse for rape to you? What else will be ok if he's drunk? Where are your boundaries? To what standards do you hold him?

This is an utterly toxic situation, not just because of what he's done to you, but because you find it acceptable and make excuses for him. You really should leave, but if you're unwilling to do that, at least see a therapist. Maybe they can help you have some self-worth and realize how much danger you're really in. There are also women's shelters in every community, through which you can get access through any church or crisis hotline. I hope for your sake you leave this man before he hurts you worse than what he already has. You are in danger every day that you stay.
 
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Leslie Becker-Phelps, PhD responded:
I am worried for you.

Just as you suspect (and maybe really know underneath?), his feelings and behaviors are most definitely unhealthy. And given that you say you really love him, this is a very tough and dangerous situation. You don't want to leave, but he is harming you and that harm will probably get worse over time -- that's the way these things generally work. His jealousy and need to control will increase and your ability to somehow defend or take care of yourself (like reaching out here for help) will lessen; and you will have less, or no, people in your life to help. So, PLEASE get help for him AND for you. A therapist can help you learn to pay attention to what's hurting you and how to take better care of yourself. - what do you think of what I'm suggesting?


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