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Marriage Help
kristy122482 posted:

My husband and I have been married for almost a year and our sex life has taken a turn for the worst, We hardly do it anymore, unless we are on vacation. I don't know what to do. I find him physically attractive but have no interest in having sex with him. I have been on birth control since I was 16 and I'm wondering if that plays a factor in my low libido? It's not healthy that we aren't having sex. I am 29 and he is 30... we have no kids. We should be doing it twice a week. His self esteem has turned and I can tell that this is really bothering him. He doesn't even want to go on vacation for our one year anniversary because he said this year is not worth celebrating. It's been pretty crappy. I'm thinking about getting off the pill NOW and see if that will make a difference. When I get home from work, i'm exhausted and usually am in bed by 9:30/10:00. I need to get myself out of this rut and pay more attention to him and be more physical. Any help would be great

gd9900 responded:
Kristy - I am so sorry for what you are going through. I don't have an answer for you, but I can empathize.

My ex and I went through something very similar. I was exhausted from my career, taking care of my (not his) two kids, and a household day after day. My libido was low...I am a little older than you, but I went to the Dr's and got a full medical check-up to look for anything that could be causing it. I also went to psycho-therapy for two years. I did what I could, but the fact is it was a problem we weren't able to resolve for a period of time. Part of the issue down the road was depression on both our parts, and not finding common ground. Ultimately, it led to a great deal of resentment on his end. My libido did pick up eventually, but by that time he had checked out of the marriage and it led to us divorcing.

Don't get me wrong, we had some other minor issues - we could have worked out. For him, the lack of intimacy was the killer of our relationship. I can't say I blame him.

My only suggestion would be to change things up. Maybe you make time in the morning before work or a quickie at lunchtime or something like that. See if that works better for the two of you. I wish you lots of luck!
kristy122482 replied to gd9900's response:
Thanks. We have been arguing a lot lately and that's probably one of the reasons why I have no desire to have sex with him. How can I be physical with him if I'm upset? He doesn't seem to get it. He said that we need to fix our issues before we can bring kids into this world. Every married couple has problems... especially in the beginning. He's always comparing our marriage to others. I told him to stop doing that... you don't know what goes on in closed doors.

Last night he cooked me dinner because I cleaned the entire apartment... that's a start!
Leslie Becker-Phelps, PhD replied to kristy122482's response:
Kristy: I hope you gave him lots of kudos for cooking! And I hope that helps turn things around. You might want to each make a conscious effort each day to do something caring for each other (no matter how small).

As for addressing your problem, I have a lot of questions. Maybe something in them will be helpful. Here it goes:

I'm wondering what he means by "we need to fix our issues." Did the two of you talk this out? Did he say it was just all about sex? Are there other relationship issues underlying the arguments -- and perhaps your low libido? (things that maybe you having been dismissing as not a big deal, but are really more important than you've been acknowledging)

I'm not sure how long the problem has been going on, but is it related somehow to getting married? Has something changed in your relationship since then? Does being married mean something to you (or him) that is affecting your relationship? Could this be related to feelings about the possibility of having children?

You also said that you are really tired after work. How long has this been going on? Has something changed at work that's tiring you out so much? (In other words, is there something on the work front that's causing this problem?)

Are you having other struggles outside your marriage? Maybe this is just a symptom of a larger problem.

I know that I've thrown a lot out there, but does any of it resonate?

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