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Includes Expert Content
My girlfriend of four years want toi live celibate now?
cle123 posted:
Please do no respond if you will not give a mature and honest answer. She has always been very religious going to church every sunday and reading the Bible.We met four yrs ago, I was 19 she was 18. We had our issues at first because she was a virgin and I was already sexually active in previous relationships, so we had many arguments and it was very hard but I fell in love with her and stuck it out with her. I waited for over a year (exactly 17 months to be exact, I counted) and when we had sex it was because she said she was ready and that I had proved that I love her and that she felt I am the one she will always be with. We have been having sex for the past couple years our relationship has been great!

Now, just recently she had started going to church more and more everyday and every Sunday with her granddad. She also told me about a convo with her grandpa about living the Holy way completely. So, out of nowhere, she tells me that she will live her life celibate and that she understands how tough it is for me and that it will make us better in the long run. Now, at first I flipped and said I cant live celibate, but then I supported her decision to seek the Lord. I truly am proud she is seeking a better lifestyle, but I am not ready to live celibate. We are only 21 and 22 yrs old still in college barely making a living so marriage is out of the question for both of us. She would likely say no if I asked her to marry. While I understand her reasoning, it just feels unfair to me especially after waiting so long for it, then we start having sex then its taken away? How do I lay in bed with her now without wanting? How do we enjoy things like cuddling and kissing now? I dont want to break up with her its not that easy when you love someone and been together for four years. What do I do?
tmlmtlrl responded:
How is it alright for her to be living with you and sleeping in the same bed as you? I've never understood this picking and choosing of what sins one is willing to do and not. I mean if she's going to be 'all in' then why isn't she all in?

Do you share her religious views? Go to church with her? Are you supportive? Not supportive in the sense of "I'm not against it" but actively supportive?

Do you think she is easily influenced in her life? It sounds like it's possible that she tends to do what others around her tell her she should do?? Do you want to marry her?
1nt3rnalc0mbu5t1on responded:
Clearly, she hasnt read the bible all that closely, once you are married you are supposed to procreate. What religion is she? I can understand about wanting to save her self for marriage, but seems like thats already game over. Is she against all sex? or just intercourse. I can understand your frustration. You have spent a lot of time with her and you clearly do love her, most guys would have cut and run after that conversation. I dont know what your relgious views are, if any at all. But many churches offer free counciling, see if she would want to talk to her paster/preist/rabbi...etc. with you. That way its non threatening and you are playing on her turf. Get his thoughts on the matter, maybe after she hears it from a man in the cloth, that its ok to have relations. She may relax a bit. Also, how is your relationship with her Grandfather? an outside shot is he may have some disdain towards you and he doesnt want her to be with, but it could be true. So he figures if she stops having sex you will be like most guys and leave, but you seem like a good guy by sticking around. I hope you can get this all sorted out and you make it.
cle123 replied to tmlmtlrl's response:
Thats the thing, I share her religious views its just my faith is not as strong as hers. Just as her faith may not be as strong as a pastor. I read the Bible/ scriptures sent to my phone, I also am making it a point to get back into church because I want to grow closer to God also. All of this was before the celibacy btw, so im not just wanting this as a result. However, celibacy is just not something im ready for. It sounds so selfish of me, and I know it does seem as if I love her i should just deal. I will have tough decisions to make, but I got on here to receive some help because I am lost and confused. Everything just confuses me, one minute I feel good and supportive of her honoring God, then the next minute I am depressed. Thinking of sex between us in the past only makes it worse for me, such as flashbacks. I asked for oral sex to help me thru but she states that ALL sexual activity is cut off including handjobs. i just dont know what to do, most people tell me to have an mature sit down and explain best I can how we should find other people because of how conflicting our lifestyles will be. As I mentioned, I LOVE her, will continue to support, will go to church and become more spiritual myself, but am not ready for celibacy. Some have suggested that I take that route, but its just so hard. The thought of someone else having my woman, and me having to start all over and rebuild trust, its just heartbreaking. I dont know, guess its a life decision I will have to make and deal with....
fcl replied to cle123's response:
I'm sorry but I think she's being totally unrealistic. Stopping ALL sexual content until marriage when there is no wedding on the horizon is torture. I suggest that you try separating for a couple of months to make it easier for you to live without the sex. It's hard to deal with something like this when the person of your desire is in front of you all the time and doubly hard when you've already experienced the joys of sex with her.

It is totally unfair that she should dictate what the conditions are without ANY offer of compromise whatsoever.
There's nothing inherently dirty about sex, but if you try real hard and use your imagination you can overcome that.
rhondamay replied to cle123's response:
It is hard for me to comment without appearing to be attacking her obedience to her religion. But I agree with FCL that her unilateral shutdown of sexual relations is punitive and unrealistic and resembles some kind of power trip. If you can live with this you are way tougher than I am. I am sorry but I don't see a happy ending with this.

Good luck,

Leslie Becker-Phelps, PhD replied to cle123's response:
It is a heartbreaking situation, but I don't see how you have a choice for it not to be. I wonder; if you marry, will she be okay with sexual activity - even if it's not just for procreation? And, if not, would you be okay with this?

You can, of course, choose to remain with her, according to her rules. But clearly this isn't working for you now. Maybe it will with time. Have you tried talking with your pastor? Could this help? Of course, in the end, only you can decide whether you are willing to keep trying. (I do suggest, though, that you consider not lying in bed with her- that is asking for emotional trouble.)

If you decide that it's not a path you want, the advice you've been given makes sense to me - that you part ways as a couple so that you can find someone else to share your life and love with. Doing this would be extremely hard, especially as you would still be caring so deeply for her, but it might free you for a life that fits better for you.

I'm not advising you - nor is it for anyone else to tell you - what to do. That decision needs to come from your heart. But I do wish you well as you struggle with this very difficult situation.
dfromspencer responded:
What is your relationship with her Grandfather like? It seems to me, that she has decided this after spending time with him? My question would be WHY???

Good luck with the celibacy thing, Dennis

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