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Questioning boundaries adult child and mother
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Marylou2323 posted:
I am 39 years old and recently had to move back in with my mother after my long term relationship ended. My current boyfriend feels I have very poor boundaries with my mother. Im wondering what people think about the latest situation. I have to go to court to fight a parking ticket. My my told me she took a 1/2 day to come with me. I didn't think anything of it as I would do the same for her. My boyfriend feels this is ridiculous and that I should tell my mother not to go. What do people think? Does this indicate poor boundaries?
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fcl responded:
If the parking ticket situation is the worst example you have to give us then no, you don't have a boundary problem. Your mother just wants to be there to support you. I suspect your bf has more of a jealousy problem ...
There's nothing inherently dirty about sex, but if you try real hard and use your imagination you can overcome that.
 
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1nt3rnalc0mbu5t1on responded:
I would have to agree with FCL, moral support at a court hearing is warrented. Also each mother/child relationship is different, maybe he isnt as close to his mother as you are. More information would be need to make a more accurate hypothesis
 
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Leslie Becker-Phelps, PhD responded:
By itself, I agree with the others who say it's not a problem. But to follow up on what FCL said - is this the worst example? are there many more examples?
 
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Marylou2323 replied to Leslie Becker-Phelps, PhD's response:
I think its become somewhat of a complicated situation. I am trying to keep some perspective. Since my mom greatly dislikes my boyfriend she may do things either subconsciously or not to spend more time with me.
Some examples of my moms behavior that my boyfriend has catergorized as "weird" are that she will sometimes pick up a shirt or a dress for me if shes out shopping and sees something I might like.
The biggest example is that I am not currently paying rent. I see this as extremely generous on my moms part. I am trying to pay down debt I accrued after my break up when I was trying to support a house on my own. I have made clear to mom that this is temporary and when the debt reaches a more manageable level I will either start paying or find my own place.
My boyfriend feels my mom manipulates me -she says its my boyfriend who is manipulative. I am really trying to keep a clear head and go with what feels right to me but, thats not always easy.
 
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HeavenlyWeather replied to Marylou2323's response:
Unless there are other examples, I don't think that you have poor boundaries with your mom.

Even if you say that your mom doesn't like your boyfriend, the little things in the examples that you've provided us with don't seem to be invading on your relationship with your boyfriend. If these are the only things she's doing to make your boyfriend feel that you have "poor boundaries" with your mom, then maybe he's jealous. She's not trying to control your life in these scenarios, she's trying to help you and be a supportive parent.
 
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fcl replied to HeavenlyWeather's response:
"She's not trying to control your life in these scenarios, she's trying to help you and be a supportive parent."


My thoughts exactly.

OP - what kind of a relationship does he have with his own mother. What was it like as he was growing up?
There's nothing inherently dirty about sex, but if you try real hard and use your imagination you can overcome that.
 
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Leslie Becker-Phelps, PhD replied to fcl's response:
Good question, FCL. I also wonder how big an issue this is in your relationship with your boyfriend; and whether he takes issue with any of your other relationships.
 
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dfromspencer responded:
Your B/F needs to get a grip. Your Mother is only being a Mother. I need say no more!

Good luck with your new relationship, Dennis
 
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CAMMSNNP responded:
Men navigate the world different than women. Perhaps your boyfriend is accusing you of not being a man.

Remember, the standard joke is that women go to the bathroom with other women, and men go alone. I would suspect that a man fighting a parking ticket would not take a support person or feel one is required. Women on the other hand always take a friend, and in this case your mother is acting as your friend.

The bigger concern here, is that your boyfriend if a similar age as you, has yet to recognize that women do things different than men. This might be a red flag for an overly controlling person, a predecessor of abuse on an emotional level. Start paying attention for other areas you may be belittled in by his comments.


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